Skip to main content

Summer of Hell


 


Either I’m everything you blame when you’re in pain and dealing with issues that others have caused or in you’re fucking hero that’s going to save you that you fucking keep at arms length for some reason. You need to decide which one, I can’t keep hurting like this. I’ll always be here and I’ll always answer that damn phone but you scared me this morning. And as always I have no fucking answers.


I just expect more of the same on this roller coaster this summer. That’s the price of unconditionally loving you I guess. But I think that is exactly what you need. Me to always be there. Till the end. No matter how much it fucking hurts me to be the back up plan you’ll never take.


You made you’re choice a very long time ago and I continue to suffer for it, because you destroyed me and I know you regret it, and now you’re destroying yourself and you’re making me watch because I wasn’t there in the moment you needed me most.... always at arms length. My stomach and chest are twisting me apart with every phone call like this, especially the ones where I have to be concerned about you’re fucking mental health and my sons safety. I should be sleeping and instead I’m wracking my brain trying to figure us out and if I should come down to save you, if that’s what you truly want or if it would be a fools gambit and make things worse.


I’m just expecting more hurt, and I’m expecting you to be hurt more, and not by my actions. Only by you’re own. And that’s where this all started didn’t it. You’re own actions. But you’ll always blame me. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Cowabunga.

Back to the job search i go... not really anything to do right now but play turtles smash up and watch tv so i decided to wander downtown and look for a job. I am feeling really good at the moment and trying to ride this positive feeling as long as it lasts and not let anything get me down. Current Mood: Positive. Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.
Post a Comment
Read more

Fall Of Cybertron III: Where’s Poochie.

It is very easy for me to fade away and just get bored of other people and politics when games are played. I’m not even fucking blinking when someone else who I’ve done things for, constantly for months with no rewards suddenly forgets I exist. That’s real easy for me to fucking deal with. Con politics, games, asshole people that don’t pay there Fuckin promises from day one? Don’t call my number.  I stepped away from this shit once on my own. I have no fucking problem doing it again. I feel used and betrayed, but for me it was a Tuesday. I suspect jealousy and politics but I also know when to stick a fork in something when it’s done. I’ve got no interest being around anyone that doesn’t want me involved in there little cliques. I mean this thing was fun but from day one it was political. I don’t need stress and drama in my life. I can hang up my Wizard robe and move the fuck on. I did a great job of it on my own anyways. I don’t look amateur hour like the rest of them. And I no lon...
Post a Comment
Read more

Serpent's Kiss.

I pass in and out of peoples lives. sometimes i wonder why they come back. sometimes i wonder if the issue is me. i do grand things and i back up my plans and words and maybe sometimes thats too much for some. but all i have ever asked from those that i love is honesty. i don't care if things fall apart. all i need is the truth.  I'm getting to the point i don't trust fucking anyone. and being betrayed by those that are at best fairweather fucking friends when im not exactly finacally fucking stable.  there are reasons i keep my circle small and those i truly trust even closer. it takes a lot to be a part of my life and and i am seriously considering withdrawing from some of my social activities again because it seems like the last couple years they just turn to shit and all i am doing is losing money. i have stopped caring about a lot of people in the past and it can be real fuckin easy for me to walk away from agian. id rather work on the relationships both old and new th...
Post a Comment
Read more