Make no mistake, I still thinking about killing myself every single day. But that’s the cowards way out and every moment I lay breathing, that’s a victory. That’s proof to you that no matter what happens I will go on. I will be here whether or not on I’m needed or wanted. Because that’s who I am.
You don’t always know the darkness that lays between these eyes. A lot of it I keep guarded from everyone.
The reason you can’t deal with me, is I am you’re white knight in your life and when push comes to shove I chose to fight you for our sons safety. And you know it. You’re behaviour still sucks. Look at this latest guy. You have people beneath you around and you wonder why the two of you got hurt again and again. But those are your choices not mine. But one day there will be a reckoning and it won’t be me. I’m already seeing signs of it.
One day I won’t be here, one day you will miss all these years we lost.
Make no mistake I am constantly re-evaluating our lives and my place in it. The fact that we still haven’t had that true conversation about the guy that you dated for years that probably abused my son yet you decided to destroy my life and career to gain an advantage with custody has not and never will be fucking forgotten. You have no idea how hard it was to forgive.
But that’s where we are now... let’s see where we go while I’m still breathing.
My world doesn’t reach to you, you gotta come to me. But I think you have to hit rock bottom or be abused first. And I think with some of your recent choices that moment isn’t too far off. You need to me to be that rock, to be that hero so you can forgive me for all your imagined sins In your mind that you think I’ve committed.
I can’t deal with constantly being discarded and being the constant you expect to rescue you with some of the mental mind games you play. You left me I never left you. Anyone else has simply never been you, there’s an empty piece of my soul that I have to you. I can’t find it with anyone else and I don’t fucking want to. But I can do you’re bi polar shit with me forever. I’d rather be alone than be undefined with you.
All I know right now is I don’t like seeing you hurt and emotional and I don’t want to be here powerless to stop it. This isn’t how things are supposed to be. But it’s you’re moves and actions that have put us in the place we are now. And then I get depressed and question everything. You’re lucky I’m not a coward because I constantly question everything in this world. Except us. You’re the one thing I know in this world that is real. Look at what we created. We are just complicated.
Let’s uncomplicate things or leave me alone.
You were my world, and then my world ended. And every time you fade away now I relive that pain. That’s not fair to me.
I don’t like being hidden. I will fuck off and fade very easily. One day permanently. It’s a miracle I haven’t destroyed you’re ring yet. And myself.
But when I feel that I’m you’re dirty little secret in you’re life it makes me feel like I’m not the only one in you’re life and that’s the same betrayal it’s always been for the last twenty years.
I walked away once I can do it agian. I sometimes wish you had never came back into my life, but then I wouldn’t know about my son. And for that, I’ll take all the pain you’re willing to dish out and always try.
Go play with you’re false kings. I’ll be fine being happy with people that truly love me. And need me in there life.
That’s means you can fuck off for the moment.
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