You go around with these losers and wonder why I am always defensive and guarded and never truly let you back into my life? You lost the right and the priority to that when you betrayed me in 2003 and hid that which is most precious to me that year and the following. I should hate you and never look back, but I always do and I allow that little bit of love to be more important than the logic and the anger.
But I know my fucking worth. And I know that I will be a better man than those that you wander the gutter with. Twenty two years on I shouldn’t t have to worry about who you have yourself and my son around. But of course, you’re my gutter queen. Where do you think you found me, on the streets... where you belong. One day you’ll stop slumming and realize you’re worth but for the moment I’m not letting you affect mine.
I have a good life and I’m not constantly miserable like you are, and I don’t need the security of having somewhere to land and always be there for me the way you do.
A true king stands alone.
There’s a reason I’m a warrior and you’re a fucking victim. I only need those that want to be around me and have been by my side through all the pain and Wars. I know that things are clouded and dark when it comes to you because you like to manipulate me and I am no longer sure you’re fucking endgame.
Maybe there isn’t an endgame, I just know I don’t want to mourn you, and recent behaviour has me concerned. But there is a difference between me and you, I am strong enough to self destruct constantly and let my self destructive tendencies take me to the edge constantly and I just wake up the next morning and sweat off the hangover... fuck I did six months prison time and I have no fucks... I just got out and went back to my life... and right back to most of my freinds and the girl that I should have worked harder to keep than fall into you’re fucking trap. For all my issues with her and there are many, that girl was a true queen and she deserves the happiness I couldn’t give her. That’s on you, you were a distraction and couldn’t deal with the fact I was happy with someone else.
Pretty sure it’s going to keep happening to you, you deliberately make choices to be miserable. And then expect me to be there to pick up the pieces. One day I won’t be there. And it’ll be by choice, because I will have found someone else.
The only thing I promised you was a ring, it’s a shiny piece of broken glass, I may not give it to anyone else but you don’t deserve my true heart some days and I should have loved that girl with all of my heart instead of just parts of it. I don’t miss her, not the way I do you, but that’s because it ended badly and with serious questions due to covid. But she deserved better.... so do I.
I deserve better than the both of you, and I deserve better than the fucking games you constantly play on me.
I live like a king, it’s a good life. Why do I constantly bring myself back to the gutter with someone who constantly abandons, discards and betrays me. I don’t need you. I’ve never needed you.
But it is glorifying obvious how much you need me to be there when you fall.
One day at rock bottom, all that will be there when you hit the floor, will be the flat surface of all the broken dreams in you’re life. One day this King won’t be there to play hero.
Because I’m not one, just because I’ll protect what is mine by blood. And love. And tragedy. Doesn’t mean you fully can expect it every time you let me down. I’m a knight in sour armour. I’m an asshole. I’m a king, but my empire is shit.... you can look upon all the ruins of my fiefdom, I had a promising life and you destroyed all that and sent me back to the only things I’ve known.
One of those things was you, don’t get me wrong I know the most important thing between us is control, and I’ll never surrender it to you, and that’s what will keep us apart.
Sadly, I’m alright with that.
I live large with my freinds, and I do things like stay in the queens hotel on the regular and drink 60$ in two drinks before I go to amazing fucking concerts and bar hopping. I do not need you, I only wanted you. That’s all I have ever wanted, is to have amazing adventures with you at my side. With you, with Joshua and with Michelle, I regret losing that with all of you.
But the world has passed us on. Now I just I have the adventures by myself because I’m going to live my life a quarter mile at a time and go till I fucking hit that brick wall i have always expected to. Boom gone.
But I will go out Legendary. I will go out like a fucking Crimson King.
You know why I don’t fucking fight for you and come down there and knock out all these clowns you slut around with? Because I know you, and that way has always led to prison. And although I know you romanticize my tough guy attitude and my time in jail, I’d rather not go back. Even for you, so enjoy the guys that are beneath you and beneath me.
If they hurt you I’ll be there. That’s always unconditionally available. But I don’t always believe some of the things you say anymore. You can play in the gutter. I’ll be busy being a fucking king among men. I make my choices for me with you as a consideration. I only want you happy and safe. And I don’t feel like you are right now and it’s affecting my mental health, my piece of mind, my general peace, and my personal safety.
Because if something happens to you I will come in with my armies and execute justice like a unjust king protecting what is and what should always have been only his. No fucks given.
You destroyed us. Not me. It was always you’re actions. Multiple fucking times.
You are not my future. You are simply a part of my past, and my past is fucking over.
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