I don’t trust you, and you lie to me and play games. That’s the true issue. I can be as transparent as fuck but until you are on the level with me, it’s never going to happen. That’s the truth and the last battle. You and I have been either in love with each other or at war with each other than longer than I can remember and I’m not exactly fucking sure where we stand anymore. I just know you put me thru hell and when I finally made it out of the darkness you came back and made my world an uncertainty.
The only drama I allow in my life is you. Remember that.
There are moments I don’t want to answer you. I don’t need you’re self created drama in my life especially when it’s about other fucking men. You know what’s waiting. You know what you should be doing. But I honestly doubt you will ever honour me correctly unless you truly lose everything and hit rock fucking bottom.
The same way I had to realize you meant everything and nothing to me. I will always be here. But it will likely always be a fight between the good and bad natures of both of our souls. And sometimes the darkest parts of both of us end up winning.
Sadly I’m alright with that outcome. The way you treat me and discard me is evident at this point. Yet I get a bit of daylight and I abandon all logic and return to the place that feels most comfortable. In love with you, I’m a lost fool.
Yet when things go bad, you always want me to be the shining white knight to rescue you, I’m no white knight, I’m a black knight in rusted armour. That’s what you did to me. I’m always going to be there for you, but it’s ridiculous to think that I should be fighting any of you’re self created battles.
I will. But it’s a joke. You could make better choices but you choose not to. You hang with with these dangerous men that make me look timid. Which I’m not. And you wonder why you might have been abused. And I know exactly what you are responsible for. You destroyed my entire life multiple fucking times because one of these assholes you hang off hurt my son. And I entered the black hole as a result of it. I should hate you, I should never want another moment of you’re time. How I do not
Is a mystery to me. I can’t understand how you tricked me back into being in love with you,
The worst part is I almost believe it myself that those feelings are reciprocated on some basic level, but c’mon we are both smarter than that. You only love me when you need me or you need something.
I’m the rescuer not the rescued. You always need me to catch you when you fall. But you’d never catch me, not even once.
Good thing I’ll never need you for that.
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