Operation Mindcrime IV: Stalemate.

I don’t know what your agenda is and if there even is a fucking endgame to all this. But I know that I am starting to feel like I’m just here to be an emotional support animal. You aren’t the only thing in my life that is important. I don’t need the constant mindfuck. I’m happy and busy being alone. I truly am starting to not care and that brings its own sort of freedom.

I’m trying to play an old rusted out chess game with you, but the pawns are missing and we have established that you’re queen has emerged victorious now it’s just 32 moves to stalemate.

And that’s what you can’t stand. I stopped. I made the war end. I’m at peace. You are not. That’s my victory. And you hate that I have in some mall measure won.

That’s why the constant mindfuck. Yet lately all you trigger is apathy because all I have to give you is the fact that you are a very effective distraction but it’s getting easier and easier to separate the emotions I have for you and deal with this logically. It probably sounds cold, but a man can only be treated like he is Disposable and replaceable for so fucking long.

I fell out of love with you once, it can and will happen agian. ESP when at the end of the fucking day all you leave me is with questions and concerns.

This king is still standing. And I will never let the black queen achieve ultimate victory.

And that’s part of the mindfuck, neither won and neither of us lost. You can’t handle that you dealt me the dead man’s hand and I survived, more than that I thrived. Made something of myself agian while I danced in the fire.

That I’m not a broken man bugs you to no end. You couldn’t win. I wouldn’t let you. That’s all you want is to win on you’re terms. But I very much control the narrative now, and you know what the endgame and the prize on my end is…

But you haven’t earned it yet.

Comments

Cowabunga.

Back to the job search i go... not really anything to do right now but play turtles smash up and watch tv so i decided to wander downtown and look for a job. I am feeling really good at the moment and trying to ride this positive feeling as long as it lasts and not let anything get me down. Current Mood: Positive. Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.

Franco Un-American.

I hate everyone. I just pretend I don’t because I’m chasing this false inner peace, thats being constantly eroded by outsiders. I am happy, I was at peace. But I do see my country and more importantly my city for what it’s for and I’m getting angry again. Maybe I do need to be angry. Maybe I do need to rebel. Maybe I do need to speak out despite the fact that it can be used against me and hurt those I love. Nothing fucking new to me. This apathy has gotten me nowhere, this trying to be at peace was working but maybe I need to be angry, maybe I need to rail agianst the things that once were right have now went wrong. This isn’t a world I want my child growing up in, and he’s grown. But this isn’t the world I promised him. This is something else. This city wants to pick a fight with me? Cool, I know what busybody bitch it is. Don’t think I will tolerate any threats to those that I care for or myself. You want to fucking start a war? Maybe it’s time for me to be angry again.

Someone Like You.

I know there are aspects of me, my personality and my life that you still like. It’s why you had my child and no one else’s. But I don’t colour within the lines enough for you to settle down with. That’s been acknowledged for two fucking decades. He’s an adult. I don’t need to answer to anyone anymore in my life. I wasted years fighting you when I should have been fixing you. But those moments are over. All of our moments are over. I don’t even need to be angry. I just need to be. You and I are toxic. I’m better off without you in my life. It’s a little less toxic when I’m the only one on the boat. Only the captain goes down with the ship. I’ve always known i would die alone anyhow. No family, no friend’s, no real accomplishments to my life. I wrote that line almost 30 years ago. Self fulfilling prophecy. At least that way when I implode no one gets hurts. I was a fool to think otherwise. I’ve left too much damage in my path. I just want to be happy and at peace whatev...

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