The Road Not Travelled II: Back In Control.

First, I am not a living emotional crutch you can contact any time you feel down and sad for my unconditional love and support. There is a price. One some day you will have to acknowledge that you will hav to pay or I will walk away completely once agian.

The fact that I know you’re manipulating things to your own agenda. That’s fine. One day you will decide the consequences of you’re actions and decide exactly what you are going to do. Every day since that moment in 2003 you are in control. I’ve accepted that fact that you control the narrative of whether or not I am in your and his life. The only difference is I control whether or not I bother with you and your bullshit. You contact me, I will always respond you know that, you know why. But when you don’t I don’t fight, I don’t chase. I go radio silent for a reason.

I have my own life and my own responsibilities. I’m having fun and I don’t want for anything. I’m done trying to move the chess pieces to reclaim my queen. You know what sits secure in the bedroom. It’s in my gym bag and it will stay there till you decide otherwise. I tried to reclaim my queen for two decades. I am glad we are at peace and not at war. But it doesn’t mean I have to be communicative.

Respect counts for everything. It doesn’t matter how much pretty talk and promises you give me, as long as u don’t feel I can respect you or that you respect our relationship as his parents and partners, we will never be agian.

It’s the same with the trust level, you have never earned my trust, and once I would have died for you, another time I would have been the bullet. Now while my natural inclination is to be defensive when it comes to you and him, I need to fucking remember that I’ve got to cover my six first, as you can’t be trusted.

And that’s our biggest fucking problem, is you betrayed that trust in a way once where it broke the 3 of us, to a way it can never be fixed agian. Until that actual day I think I trust you completely agian, a day I don’t believe will ever come.

No trust, no relationship. That’s my condition.

You think you are in control? Control is an illusion. And I’m not someone or something that can be controlled. If you haven’t noticed I am a force of nature.

And that nature is Chaos.

Comments

Cowabunga.

Back to the job search i go... not really anything to do right now but play turtles smash up and watch tv so i decided to wander downtown and look for a job. I am feeling really good at the moment and trying to ride this positive feeling as long as it lasts and not let anything get me down. Current Mood: Positive. Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.

Franco Un-American.

I hate everyone. I just pretend I don’t because I’m chasing this false inner peace, thats being constantly eroded by outsiders. I am happy, I was at peace. But I do see my country and more importantly my city for what it’s for and I’m getting angry again. Maybe I do need to be angry. Maybe I do need to rebel. Maybe I do need to speak out despite the fact that it can be used against me and hurt those I love. Nothing fucking new to me. This apathy has gotten me nowhere, this trying to be at peace was working but maybe I need to be angry, maybe I need to rail agianst the things that once were right have now went wrong. This isn’t a world I want my child growing up in, and he’s grown. But this isn’t the world I promised him. This is something else. This city wants to pick a fight with me? Cool, I know what busybody bitch it is. Don’t think I will tolerate any threats to those that I care for or myself. You want to fucking start a war? Maybe it’s time for me to be angry again.

Someone Like You.

I know there are aspects of me, my personality and my life that you still like. It’s why you had my child and no one else’s. But I don’t colour within the lines enough for you to settle down with. That’s been acknowledged for two fucking decades. He’s an adult. I don’t need to answer to anyone anymore in my life. I wasted years fighting you when I should have been fixing you. But those moments are over. All of our moments are over. I don’t even need to be angry. I just need to be. You and I are toxic. I’m better off without you in my life. It’s a little less toxic when I’m the only one on the boat. Only the captain goes down with the ship. I’ve always known i would die alone anyhow. No family, no friend’s, no real accomplishments to my life. I wrote that line almost 30 years ago. Self fulfilling prophecy. At least that way when I implode no one gets hurts. I was a fool to think otherwise. I’ve left too much damage in my path. I just want to be happy and at peace whatev...

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