The Road Not Travelled II: Back In Control.

First, I am not a living emotional crutch you can contact any time you feel down and sad for my unconditional love and support. There is a price. One some day you will have to acknowledge that you will hav to pay or I will walk away completely once agian.

The fact that I know you’re manipulating things to your own agenda. That’s fine. One day you will decide the consequences of you’re actions and decide exactly what you are going to do. Every day since that moment in 2003 you are in control. I’ve accepted that fact that you control the narrative of whether or not I am in your and his life. The only difference is I control whether or not I bother with you and your bullshit. You contact me, I will always respond you know that, you know why. But when you don’t I don’t fight, I don’t chase. I go radio silent for a reason.

I have my own life and my own responsibilities. I’m having fun and I don’t want for anything. I’m done trying to move the chess pieces to reclaim my queen. You know what sits secure in the bedroom. It’s in my gym bag and it will stay there till you decide otherwise. I tried to reclaim my queen for two decades. I am glad we are at peace and not at war. But it doesn’t mean I have to be communicative.

Respect counts for everything. It doesn’t matter how much pretty talk and promises you give me, as long as u don’t feel I can respect you or that you respect our relationship as his parents and partners, we will never be agian.

It’s the same with the trust level, you have never earned my trust, and once I would have died for you, another time I would have been the bullet. Now while my natural inclination is to be defensive when it comes to you and him, I need to fucking remember that I’ve got to cover my six first, as you can’t be trusted.

And that’s our biggest fucking problem, is you betrayed that trust in a way once where it broke the 3 of us, to a way it can never be fixed agian. Until that actual day I think I trust you completely agian, a day I don’t believe will ever come.

No trust, no relationship. That’s my condition.

You think you are in control? Control is an illusion. And I’m not someone or something that can be controlled. If you haven’t noticed I am a force of nature.

And that nature is Chaos.

Comments

Cowabunga.

Back to the job search i go... not really anything to do right now but play turtles smash up and watch tv so i decided to wander downtown and look for a job. I am feeling really good at the moment and trying to ride this positive feeling as long as it lasts and not let anything get me down. Current Mood: Positive. Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.

Bad Man.

I am not a good man, I tell people straight out that I’m not a good person. I know I’m toxic. But I embrace being the villain and being the bad guy. Being feared is better than being loved because at least that way you respect me. When it comes to someone I care about and have a responsibility to, I will always choose them over others fucking bullshit and drama. This isn’t a choice. This is my life. Period. I live it every damn day. I’m not Making any other choices. I will always choose those that I care about over people that are merely in orbit in my life and if you give me a reason to fucking doubt you? I will give u a reason to fucking fear me. I’m just fed up, my world doesn’t need complications. My peace and my piece of mind doesn’t need complications. I have enough of those I struggle against in my personal life. This is the end game, and the end times. I deserve to be fucking happy. No one is getting in the fucking way of that. Period.

The Dying False King.

I am a ghost and a spectre in a lot of peoples lives that I have touched. Some I shouldn’t be, and some I have willingly walked away for my own mental health. I’m starting to get to that point with many things in my life agian. I thought it would be easier to live a simple life and just have fun but I think it’s harder than when I worked my face off as a father. At least then my enemies didn’t pretend to be my freinds and the world wasn’t falling apart slowly. Just my world. I think I prefer whatever that was then compared to what the world is now. I have my own life and adventures and I don’t need anyone that doesn’t want or need to be in my life. I have fun with what I do and don’t let negative sources affect my life. If you’re gonna drag me down, I’ll be gone. That’s how it works. You’re not going to disturb my fucking peace. That’s what the metal shows are for. That is anger’s release. Plus to have fun.

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