First, I am not a living emotional crutch you can contact any time you feel down and sad for my unconditional love and support. There is a price. One some day you will have to acknowledge that you will hav to pay or I will walk away completely once agian.
The fact that I know you’re manipulating things to your own agenda. That’s fine. One day you will decide the consequences of you’re actions and decide exactly what you are going to do. Every day since that moment in 2003 you are in control. I’ve accepted that fact that you control the narrative of whether or not I am in your and his life. The only difference is I control whether or not I bother with you and your bullshit. You contact me, I will always respond you know that, you know why. But when you don’t I don’t fight, I don’t chase. I go radio silent for a reason.
I have my own life and my own responsibilities. I’m having fun and I don’t want for anything. I’m done trying to move the chess pieces to reclaim my queen. You know what sits secure in the bedroom. It’s in my gym bag and it will stay there till you decide otherwise. I tried to reclaim my queen for two decades. I am glad we are at peace and not at war. But it doesn’t mean I have to be communicative.
Respect counts for everything. It doesn’t matter how much pretty talk and promises you give me, as long as u don’t feel I can respect you or that you respect our relationship as his parents and partners, we will never be agian.
It’s the same with the trust level, you have never earned my trust, and once I would have died for you, another time I would have been the bullet. Now while my natural inclination is to be defensive when it comes to you and him, I need to fucking remember that I’ve got to cover my six first, as you can’t be trusted.
And that’s our biggest fucking problem, is you betrayed that trust in a way once where it broke the 3 of us, to a way it can never be fixed agian. Until that actual day I think I trust you completely agian, a day I don’t believe will ever come.
No trust, no relationship. That’s my condition.
You think you are in control? Control is an illusion. And I’m not someone or something that can be controlled. If you haven’t noticed I am a force of nature.
And that nature is Chaos.
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