Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

I’m done pissing on dumpster fires. It was much easier to just hate you. Whatever the hell this is, it’s not what I’m willing to entertain for the rest of my life. I have other things to do and achieve in my life. I made a promise I kept it, but I’m done waiting for you and I’m done giving a damn. I’m not going to have you put the same knives into my back over and over and over agian. We are too old for this shit.  I am not a plaything to be used emotionally over and over agian. I will just walk the fuck away and not even think about it.  You’ll be the one missing me when I’m gone. I won’t even blink and I won’t give a fuck.  You seem to think I am the only priority in your fucking life and that nothing else matters. As you are well aware you are very very very fucking wrong. Just because I make you a fucking priority doesn’t mean you are the only one in my life. Far the fuck from.  I have options and things I need to attend to and I won’t be playing this game in a decade. I shouldn’t

I dream about you, I don’t have a choice. I know where we stand and how I feel about you. But the bottle of whiskey goes down easy to dull the fucking pain when I don’t want to fight. I don’t want you’re world and I don’t want you’re fights. I had my own wars and my own battles. Most of them were with you, that isn’t forgotten and never will. I am have forgiven, but you’re fucking presumptive to think that I have or ever will fucking forgiven you. I’m dumb, not naive. I can still scorch you’re earth but your doing a good enough job of that on your own. You don’t need me for that. I’m just fucking find on my own. And you’ve played your card, you’re still afraid. But not if me, you’re afraid of being alone. So instead of giving it a moment you’re going to be making bad choices. Good for you, I turned my back on that years ago. The only nightmares I allow myself to have now I control and you aren’t one of them. I don’t understand your mind games and I do t have for your misery. You reap w

I’m not going to be the one to fucking save you from the drama in your life. I’m busy trying to finding peace in my own life and you disturb that. I am willing to listen but the rules are apparently written. You may hate that I have the control and the power back. But there is a fucking reason it exists and why I have that power over you. That’s our agenda.  You’re move. I’m never gonna back down one iota. I never have. You know this better than anyone. We may be broken. But I’m used to being broken, I just made a choice for myself and my mental health. The rest is up to you. But Tick tock time is running out, and I have you to a timeline.  I’ve spent the last two decade’s wanting to fix this for reasons that have nothing to do with my emotions. But I’m done being the one, I was always happy being your fucking villain. A honest enemy is just as good as a lover. At least pretend to be one or the other.  I hate being being in limbo with you. I’m going to force and answer and I’ll just be

Some days I think that I have wasted my life. But then I look upon the things I have done and the memories that I have with my friends and my loved ones, and I know better. At some point I did start living for me instead of the memory of what could have been and my life instead of continually falling apart started to improve.  Unlike you and you’re moments of standing fucking still. You chose to have the misery that your in. And I do not. I cannot. I will always choose the wrong option if it seems like going down the dark path is simply more fun. I’m not alone and I don’t need or want for anything. But I’m not chasing what if or what could have been anymore. You always wanted better. Turns out I was better who knew? Oh wait I did. And now you have a life time of regret while I look back and not a single fuck was ever given. I didn’t give up and I did the right thing even when the logical choice would have been to give up. Then agian, I’m too bloody brave to be logical. I’d rather fight

The good old days sucked. Some days I do wax nostalgic for what once was and who we were but a lot of that is imagination and distorted memories. I think that the best parts I remember are the hopes and dreams I had when he was little and every thing else is just the little positive moments we had both together and alone when he was a toddler, because life was both more complicated and simpler. But we chose to make it that way didn’t we? That’s on us not him. I’m not looking back when it seems like I carry you now from crisis to crisis, that’s exactly what it was like every damn time we were together. At least back then we caused our own drama. Now, it’s not so much. It’s the drama of our surroundings.  I’m noticing I don’t have as much as you do. There is a major reason for that. I have chosen to take a step back and do a reevaluation of my life and what I wanted negative and positive in it. You are a negative as things currently stand. I am willing to take the weight of the world and

I know how and when you decided to change both our lives. And this has always been about control. The sad thing is you and I both know that I am the animal that can’t be controlled, and the monster that you need to take Care of you. Because In my angry arms you are safe, I’ll torch the earth to make sure you and him are safe. But I’m not sure some days you can accept that, and it is understood that you fear it. But I am the one thing that has never let you down in this life. I wish I could say the same about  you but I cannot, you broke me a long time ago, my problem is I don’t know how to stay down and/or accept defeat. I will always try and I will always fight. Being a soldier in peacetime is fucking boring there is no adventure in it. So I find other adventures….  But I miss the war; I miss having a reason to live, a reason to fight. There’s nothing left now, a tiny connection to you and him that might one day lead to more than a strand of hope. But right now that door merely leads

I don’t care. That’s the biggest problem. I will put up a wall to defend myself and never let you in again. It worked years before and I focused on other things. I can do the same now. In fact I choose to. That’s the kind of animal I am. It means everything to tell you that I am at peace and that I don’t allow fucking drama to enter my life. You chose it, you are still choosing it and when I am the shelter from the storm that should tell you everything you absolutely need to know.  You stay and allow yourself to be hurt and damaged because it’s familiarity. I leave because I get bored in one situation and I need new adventures. I’m never going to live my life sitting still. But I would never stay in a moment that continued to cause me and my loved one pain either. I’m just far enough away from that reminder to be able to deal with it. I have my own issues and we will both be haunted by the ghost of what could have been and how damaged we are by it. But we’ve lived separate lives and wi

The passive aggressive 3 am bullshit, even when it is merely one message can get to me. Either you’re in my life or you are not. There is no in between. And make no fucking mistakes. I am perfectly fucking fine with you not being in my life. I have my own things to do and my own agendas.   I’m not waiting on you, and I have women half your age asking me to do cool things with them, I’m just not interested in a relationship right now because of my responsibilities and I have zero long term plans in my life right now unless they involve you. I am finally free to be me and I can do the things we only talked about doing. I fought my war. I Fought the good fight longer than I ever had any reason or need to. It’s time to be about me.

This week, I chose me. I had fun and I went with an old freind to see a band I’ve wanted to see for a very long time. I am having fun and living my life and it doesn’t stop the engine from going at 95 miles an hour constantly. I’ve always lived my life like there was no tommorow now I’m just going into another direction with it. With no fucks given. I did the right things and tried to be true to my responsibilities, now I’m doing things just for me.it’s been a year since your little stunt at black crowes. Trust me that hasn’t been forgotten, and I am angry about recent revelations. The difference is that I’m happy and I’m not letting your poison infect me for the moment. You’ll come around or you’ll fade away. Either way I’m good I’m not chasing you. That’s on you now if you truly want me and it’s not just smoke and mirrors. You made this what it us. You made me who I am accept it or don’t. 

Just because I have made peace with things doesn’t mean that I have forgotten, or forgotten the toll that your actions have caused my mental health. I know exactly who and what we are. I made peace with you for my own sanity. There was no other reason. Not at the end of the day. I was just sick of fighting’s. My whole life has been a battle. You were just another bloodied chapter in it. It does get easier to be numb and step away from you every time you come and go. I do have other things and adventures to do in my life. You’re not the only one I won’t acknowledge as part of my daily life. You are just the one that I will always answer the telephone call for and I won’t completely cut out of my life. Anyone else tries to take advantage they are gone and they are done. I don’t even fucking blink. I am at peace and anyone that is drama in my fucking life is history. I only have time for my responsibilities and those that don’t make my life more difficult. That’s all there is now.

It’s been nineteen years since you told me I was a father. And I’m still here. Regardless of anything, I am the only one you chose to have him with. And I am still his dad. I just wish our lives weren’t as complicated as they are. I wish your lives were simpler. But those were your choices not mine. I tried very hard to be good dad. I always stepped up to the plate.

The fact of the moments you choose to open up about your true intentions and the dates is not lost upon me. You do understand my dark side and sometimes you intend to use it to your advantage. We both understand that. I am no one else’s monster. I am your monster. You created me. And now I make the choice to defend you or destroy you. You and I both now what that decision has always been. You made your choices, I have made mine. The difference is I was always the oncoming storm. I was strong enough to withstand anything that came my way. Now you ask me to make a decision that wil affect all of our lives and possibly make me the worst villain agian…. But I love playing the heel and the asshole. But you are asking me to go to a dark place in my mind agian. A place I stoped being a long time ago. I’m not sure I can join you there. I’m not sure I can be that big scary monster anymore.  I’ll always be intimidating and able to run interference. But I’m not sure I’m ready to unleash the darkn

We are getting closer to the fucking truth and what you’re eventual endgame is. Don’t you think it’s a decade too late? You pushed me away when you needed me the most. And you wonder why I reject you when there is simply something more interesting happening in my life. We always end every conversation with the same questions. And my most hated enemy considers me her constant, her rock. The fact you dealt a huge hand tonight.. you showed me true Color’s. That was worth the lack of sleep. You gave up any influence in my life twenty two years ago this morning. That was your choice. Had we made it to Montreal instead I probaly would have asked you to marry me then… but you made you choice and our lives have remained shattered every second after. You’re mental mindgames finally made sense. And in the back of my mind I always knew this was the only emotional answer. Because you need a bigger monster in your life than the actual ones. The difference is that I’ve always been your monster. At y