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The Pain Maker II: Thicker Skin



The fact of the moments you choose to open up about your true intentions and the dates is not lost upon me. You do understand my dark side and sometimes you intend to use it to your advantage. We both understand that. I am no one else’s monster. I am your monster. You created me.


And now I make the choice to defend you or destroy you. You and I both now what that decision has always been.


You made your choices, I have made mine. The difference is I was always the oncoming storm. I was strong enough to withstand anything that came my way. Now you ask me to make a decision that wil affect all of our lives and possibly make me the worst villain agian….


But I love playing the heel and the asshole. But you are asking me to go to a dark place in my mind agian. A place I stoped being a long time ago. I’m not sure I can join you there. I’m not sure I can be that big scary monster anymore. 


I’ll always be intimidating and able to run interference. But I’m not sure I’m ready to unleash the darkness inside agian. You need a man that no longe exists. He is both your demon and your protector, but he is buried deep inside me and you have not given me a reason to define whatever the hell this relationship is. Why would I unleash the hell that does affect my mental health when it’s not needed.


When you actually need my monster, the demon will be ready for you at your beck and call. But don’t ever think you can control or manipulate me, that’s just not fucking happening. 


I am good on my own and I have good freinds and no lack of things to figure out how to do in my life. 


I don’t need drama in my life, not yours not anyone else’s. And I don’t need bullshit from your past or my past coming up and bothering me… there are enough loose ends that keep creeping in that I can’t stand that I don’t need to spend any energy dealing with stuff that doesn’t matter anymore.


If I go back to the dark places and the anger and hate and stop being at peace that’s a dangerous place to be mentally. I don’t want to go back to that. Not for you, not for anyone. It’s not worth the energy. 


I had a good week. I’m not going to let you, a forgotten ghost from my past or anyone fuck up my life. I am having fun and doing shit and finally feel in control of my life.


I have no time for any two faced people in my life or people with fucking agendas.  I’m beyond that. It’s time to check out of certain relationships and friendships again because I don’t need their drama in my fucking life.


I don’t do bar politics and I don’t do places that I left 17 fucking years ago for all the right reasons. I have no regrets there. I did the right thing.


All those people downtown minus one or two in Windsor are plastic people. I don’t need bullshit that someone can’t let go ruining my good mood on a Saturday night any more than I need a bullshit midnight phone call. I’m sick of dealing with it all. One day I’ll just box myself away and be happier being alone.


I left the Windsor bar scene a very long time ago. I don’t need immature bulshit following me from that either. It’s always when I have a good day or week or whatever. Am I that fucking important in your life you have to follow what I do. I’ve already got one keeping tabs. Why the hell I have another talking shit and playing games 3 years later is a fucking joke.


Here’s something everyone needs to learn. I don’t do drama even my own…. And I don’t care.


I just want peace in my life. I don’t want war or bullshit with anyone. Just because I’m made to fight…and always will be. That won’t change.


… but I’ve had my fill 

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