The American Nightmare.

I dream about you, I don’t have a choice. I know where we stand and how I feel about you. But the bottle of whiskey goes down easy to dull the fucking pain when I don’t want to fight. I don’t want you’re world and I don’t want you’re fights. I had my own wars and my own battles. Most of them were with you, that isn’t forgotten and never will.

I am have forgiven, but you’re fucking presumptive to think that I have or ever will fucking forgiven you. I’m dumb, not naive. I can still scorch you’re earth but your doing a good enough job of that on your own. You don’t need me for that.

I’m just fucking find on my own. And you’ve played your card, you’re still afraid. But not if me, you’re afraid of being alone. So instead of giving it a moment you’re going to be making bad choices. Good for you, I turned my back on that years ago.

The only nightmares I allow myself to have now I control and you aren’t one of them. I don’t understand your mind games and I do t have for your misery.

You reap what you sow and the drama you involve yourself in has nothing to do with me. I choose to live my life in a way that has been denied to me for decades. I don’t need or want you except in my darkest places. I’m afraid to be alone too. But I’ll never choose to be miserable also, not again.

Just don’t let anyone hurt that child agian or they will see what happens when you fuck with an American nightmare. Jesus forgives, I will not.

You’ve already let it happen once and you won’t or can’t give me full disclosure. But the way you live your life in comparison to mine gives you all the risk factors. Meanwhile you opening dark places inside me I tried to forget, but those wounds in my back are inflicted by you… I have not forgotten that. The knives are still there. I’ve got no problem taking one of them and using them to defend what I hold most dear at whatever fucking cost it has to you.

You put the knife there… I have the power to pull it out and you know it. The problem is I’d be aiming right for someone’s temple…

And I might be your Favourite victim, but the reverse still applies.

Comments

Cowabunga.

Back to the job search i go... not really anything to do right now but play turtles smash up and watch tv so i decided to wander downtown and look for a job. I am feeling really good at the moment and trying to ride this positive feeling as long as it lasts and not let anything get me down. Current Mood: Positive. Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.

The Remedy

I am reminded when I need someone how truly alone I am in this world. Because for as much as I am the constant and the shoulder to cry on. The same respect isn’t accorded to me, obviously. It hasn’t been in years. This is why I have never and will never need you. I don’t need anyone. Especially when I am fucking hurting over a lost freind. I hurt, I get to do that. I’m fine with that. I process and move on. I spend a couple days where I block out the world and keep going but I’m fine. I don’t accord anyone I don’t trust or respect the time of day. It’s not about who it is. I’ll willing burn a bridge im fucking standing on if it means I take you with me if I see you as my enemy. I’m on a quest for peace, anything that gets in the way of that or causes turmoil in my life can get the fuck out of my way or become ash, because I will go the fuck thru you. Affect my responsibilities in my life, I will accord the same respect you do to them, I don’t mind being a blunt instrum...

Respite on the Spitalfeilds.

I get to hurt, that’s my curse. I feel everything. And it never goes away. It doesn’t matter if it’s peace of strife. I always miss him. He’s always there buried not so deep inside. Along side that in my heart lies hope. But right now, the price is simply too high to have him in my life. I’m not good with authority or conditions. And attempting controlling me has very negative conquences. So yeah, I’ll be here waiting. I should not hurt this much. Or be this sad. But it’s a fucking pain that never goes away except when it is replaced by anger. And I’m trying to fight that emotion off because bad things happen when I’m angry. And thats my secret Cap, I’m always angry. It’s what controls the hulk inside me from taking out an entire city block. I deserved better. This wasn’t the life I was promised. This is for sure not the life I promised my son. That was taken away from me. I’m not to blame. But I’ll be damned if suffers like an adult the way I had to. I will always be here b...

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