Familiar Taste of Poison

I don’t care. That’s the biggest problem. I will put up a wall to defend myself and never let you in again. It worked years before and I focused on other things. I can do the same now. In fact I choose to. That’s the kind of animal I am.

It means everything to tell you that I am at peace and that I don’t allow fucking drama to enter my life. You chose it, you are still choosing it and when I am the shelter from the storm that should tell you everything you absolutely need to know.

You stay and allow yourself to be hurt and damaged because it’s familiarity. I leave because I get bored in one situation and I need new adventures. I’m never going to live my life sitting still. But I would never stay in a moment that continued to cause me and my loved one pain either. I’m just far enough away from that reminder to be able to deal with it.

I have my own issues and we will both be haunted by the ghost of what could have been and how damaged we are by it. But we’ve lived separate lives and will continue to do so unless you make positive choices. I decided long ago that I no longer wanted to stare into the black hole of the abyss. That I was going to live and enjoy what was left of my life and fulfill the few goals I had a reasonable chance of attaining. That’s where we are now. I’m at peace and you’re at misery.

Status quo for most of our lives actually. It’s why neither of us have ever settled down with anyone else. I am the storm in your life and you and him are the one thing in my life that keeps me fuckin’ grounded. Every other relationship in my life good or bad the last twenty years has been dominated by that fact.

You have drama in your life and I have peace. There are reasons for that. I choose to maintain my peace. There’s nothing else left to destroy except my mental state, and I only let you and no one else affect that.

Comments

Cowabunga.

Back to the job search i go... not really anything to do right now but play turtles smash up and watch tv so i decided to wander downtown and look for a job. I am feeling really good at the moment and trying to ride this positive feeling as long as it lasts and not let anything get me down. Current Mood: Positive. Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.

Franco Un-American.

I hate everyone. I just pretend I don’t because I’m chasing this false inner peace, thats being constantly eroded by outsiders. I am happy, I was at peace. But I do see my country and more importantly my city for what it’s for and I’m getting angry again. Maybe I do need to be angry. Maybe I do need to rebel. Maybe I do need to speak out despite the fact that it can be used against me and hurt those I love. Nothing fucking new to me. This apathy has gotten me nowhere, this trying to be at peace was working but maybe I need to be angry, maybe I need to rail agianst the things that once were right have now went wrong. This isn’t a world I want my child growing up in, and he’s grown. But this isn’t the world I promised him. This is something else. This city wants to pick a fight with me? Cool, I know what busybody bitch it is. Don’t think I will tolerate any threats to those that I care for or myself. You want to fucking start a war? Maybe it’s time for me to be angry again.

Someone Like You.

I know there are aspects of me, my personality and my life that you still like. It’s why you had my child and no one else’s. But I don’t colour within the lines enough for you to settle down with. That’s been acknowledged for two fucking decades. He’s an adult. I don’t need to answer to anyone anymore in my life. I wasted years fighting you when I should have been fixing you. But those moments are over. All of our moments are over. I don’t even need to be angry. I just need to be. You and I are toxic. I’m better off without you in my life. It’s a little less toxic when I’m the only one on the boat. Only the captain goes down with the ship. I’ve always known i would die alone anyhow. No family, no friend’s, no real accomplishments to my life. I wrote that line almost 30 years ago. Self fulfilling prophecy. At least that way when I implode no one gets hurts. I was a fool to think otherwise. I’ve left too much damage in my path. I just want to be happy and at peace whatev...

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