I know how and when you decided to change both our lives. And this has always been about control. The sad thing is you and I both know that I am the animal that can’t be controlled, and the monster that you need to take
Care of you. Because In my angry arms you are safe, I’ll torch the earth to make sure you and him are safe. But I’m not sure some days you can accept that, and it is understood that you fear it. But I am the one thing that has never let you down in this life.
I wish I could say the same about you but I cannot, you broke me a long time ago, my problem is I don’t know how to stay down and/or accept defeat. I will always try and I will always fight.
Being a soldier in peacetime is fucking boring there is no adventure in it. So I find other adventures….
But I miss the war; I miss having a reason to live, a reason to fight. There’s nothing left now, a tiny connection to you and him that might one day lead to more than a strand of hope.
But right now that door merely leads to emptiness.
I don’t trust you, and I don’t like being manipulated to care. It seems like you only make contact when you are surrounded by drama. I don’t need that surrounding my fragile peace. Either be in my life or don’t be, I have sat around for three years for you to be ready… I stayed single believing in you making the right decision eventually. I’m not sure that day will ever come now and I almost wonder if the sacrifices and the loneliness of my world has been worth it.
Or if it has all been games, I chose to be alone and wait for you so the moment when you wanted me back that you attempted when I was not single if it happened again would happen, but I’m not waiting forever and I am not being that constant back up choice. I am not a back up plan and I won’t ever be.
I will scorch the earth and leave any ties I have left at some point to defend my family, but you have to give me a reason to do so.
I've lived in a world of death. I tried to come home, but I never really arrived. A part of my mind and soul got lost along the way, but my heart was still here where I was born, where I would defend to the end the only family I've ever known, the only home I've ever known. All the ones I've loved are now ghosts. But I will fight to keep their memory alive forever.
Comments