Your Heaven, My Hell.

I know how and when you decided to change both our lives. And this has always been about control. The sad thing is you and I both know that I am the animal that can’t be controlled, and the monster that you need to take

Care of you. Because In my angry arms you are safe, I’ll torch the earth to make sure you and him are safe. But I’m not sure some days you can accept that, and it is understood that you fear it. But I am the one thing that has never let you down in this life.

I wish I could say the same about you but I cannot, you broke me a long time ago, my problem is I don’t know how to stay down and/or accept defeat. I will always try and I will always fight.

Being a soldier in peacetime is fucking boring there is no adventure in it. So I find other adventures….

But I miss the war; I miss having a reason to live, a reason to fight. There’s nothing left now, a tiny connection to you and him that might one day lead to more than a strand of hope.

But right now that door merely leads to emptiness.

I don’t trust you, and I don’t like being manipulated to care. It seems like you only make contact when you are surrounded by drama. I don’t need that surrounding my fragile peace. Either be in my life or don’t be, I have sat around for three years for you to be ready… I stayed single believing in you making the right decision eventually. I’m not sure that day will ever come now and I almost wonder if the sacrifices and the loneliness of my world has been worth it.

Or if it has all been games, I chose to be alone and wait for you so the moment when you wanted me back that you attempted when I was not single if it happened again would happen, but I’m not waiting forever and I am not being that constant back up choice. I am not a back up plan and I won’t ever be.

I will scorch the earth and leave any ties I have left at some point to defend my family, but you have to give me a reason to do so.

I've lived in a world of death. I tried to come home, but I never really arrived. A part of my mind and soul got lost along the way, but my heart was still here where I was born, where I would defend to the end the only family I've ever known, the only home I've ever known. All the ones I've loved are now ghosts. But I will fight to keep their memory alive forever.

Comments

Cowabunga.

Back to the job search i go... not really anything to do right now but play turtles smash up and watch tv so i decided to wander downtown and look for a job. I am feeling really good at the moment and trying to ride this positive feeling as long as it lasts and not let anything get me down. Current Mood: Positive. Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.

The Remedy

I am reminded when I need someone how truly alone I am in this world. Because for as much as I am the constant and the shoulder to cry on. The same respect isn’t accorded to me, obviously. It hasn’t been in years. This is why I have never and will never need you. I don’t need anyone. Especially when I am fucking hurting over a lost freind. I hurt, I get to do that. I’m fine with that. I process and move on. I spend a couple days where I block out the world and keep going but I’m fine. I don’t accord anyone I don’t trust or respect the time of day. It’s not about who it is. I’ll willing burn a bridge im fucking standing on if it means I take you with me if I see you as my enemy. I’m on a quest for peace, anything that gets in the way of that or causes turmoil in my life can get the fuck out of my way or become ash, because I will go the fuck thru you. Affect my responsibilities in my life, I will accord the same respect you do to them, I don’t mind being a blunt instrum...

Respite on the Spitalfeilds.

I get to hurt, that’s my curse. I feel everything. And it never goes away. It doesn’t matter if it’s peace of strife. I always miss him. He’s always there buried not so deep inside. Along side that in my heart lies hope. But right now, the price is simply too high to have him in my life. I’m not good with authority or conditions. And attempting controlling me has very negative conquences. So yeah, I’ll be here waiting. I should not hurt this much. Or be this sad. But it’s a fucking pain that never goes away except when it is replaced by anger. And I’m trying to fight that emotion off because bad things happen when I’m angry. And thats my secret Cap, I’m always angry. It’s what controls the hulk inside me from taking out an entire city block. I deserved better. This wasn’t the life I was promised. This is for sure not the life I promised my son. That was taken away from me. I’m not to blame. But I’ll be damned if suffers like an adult the way I had to. I will always be here b...

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