Your Heaven, My Hell.

I know how and when you decided to change both our lives. And this has always been about control. The sad thing is you and I both know that I am the animal that can’t be controlled, and the monster that you need to take

Care of you. Because In my angry arms you are safe, I’ll torch the earth to make sure you and him are safe. But I’m not sure some days you can accept that, and it is understood that you fear it. But I am the one thing that has never let you down in this life.

I wish I could say the same about you but I cannot, you broke me a long time ago, my problem is I don’t know how to stay down and/or accept defeat. I will always try and I will always fight.

Being a soldier in peacetime is fucking boring there is no adventure in it. So I find other adventures….

But I miss the war; I miss having a reason to live, a reason to fight. There’s nothing left now, a tiny connection to you and him that might one day lead to more than a strand of hope.

But right now that door merely leads to emptiness.

I don’t trust you, and I don’t like being manipulated to care. It seems like you only make contact when you are surrounded by drama. I don’t need that surrounding my fragile peace. Either be in my life or don’t be, I have sat around for three years for you to be ready… I stayed single believing in you making the right decision eventually. I’m not sure that day will ever come now and I almost wonder if the sacrifices and the loneliness of my world has been worth it.

Or if it has all been games, I chose to be alone and wait for you so the moment when you wanted me back that you attempted when I was not single if it happened again would happen, but I’m not waiting forever and I am not being that constant back up choice. I am not a back up plan and I won’t ever be.

I will scorch the earth and leave any ties I have left at some point to defend my family, but you have to give me a reason to do so.

I've lived in a world of death. I tried to come home, but I never really arrived. A part of my mind and soul got lost along the way, but my heart was still here where I was born, where I would defend to the end the only family I've ever known, the only home I've ever known. All the ones I've loved are now ghosts. But I will fight to keep their memory alive forever.

Comments

Cowabunga.

Back to the job search i go... not really anything to do right now but play turtles smash up and watch tv so i decided to wander downtown and look for a job. I am feeling really good at the moment and trying to ride this positive feeling as long as it lasts and not let anything get me down. Current Mood: Positive. Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.

Bad Man.

I am not a good man, I tell people straight out that I’m not a good person. I know I’m toxic. But I embrace being the villain and being the bad guy. Being feared is better than being loved because at least that way you respect me. When it comes to someone I care about and have a responsibility to, I will always choose them over others fucking bullshit and drama. This isn’t a choice. This is my life. Period. I live it every damn day. I’m not Making any other choices. I will always choose those that I care about over people that are merely in orbit in my life and if you give me a reason to fucking doubt you? I will give u a reason to fucking fear me. I’m just fed up, my world doesn’t need complications. My peace and my piece of mind doesn’t need complications. I have enough of those I struggle against in my personal life. This is the end game, and the end times. I deserve to be fucking happy. No one is getting in the fucking way of that. Period.

The Dying False King.

I am a ghost and a spectre in a lot of peoples lives that I have touched. Some I shouldn’t be, and some I have willingly walked away for my own mental health. I’m starting to get to that point with many things in my life agian. I thought it would be easier to live a simple life and just have fun but I think it’s harder than when I worked my face off as a father. At least then my enemies didn’t pretend to be my freinds and the world wasn’t falling apart slowly. Just my world. I think I prefer whatever that was then compared to what the world is now. I have my own life and adventures and I don’t need anyone that doesn’t want or need to be in my life. I have fun with what I do and don’t let negative sources affect my life. If you’re gonna drag me down, I’ll be gone. That’s how it works. You’re not going to disturb my fucking peace. That’s what the metal shows are for. That is anger’s release. Plus to have fun.

Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

Search This Blog