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War Eternal



I am at war, constantly, mostly within my own head. But I dont need fucking distractions taking away from my responsibilities either. They will always come first. One i can't even remotely abandon as I live here and that doesn't seem to be ever fucking changing in the near fucking future. I am trapped here. No matter how much I don't want to be or that I wish I could elsewhere. Belive me I have tried, and while I slammed that door completely fucking shut to the point I might as well have used the nails from pieces of the true cross to hammer that in. I still need to be availible to always be civil in some fucking fashion. I will always be there for him, his mother not so much. That took a long time to earn back and she burned it to the ground in one moment.

There is forgiveness, fuck there is even understanding, but I value my mental health and my peace enough to have that door completely shut.

I have to fight the fucking demons in my head enough that I dont need the memories of what came before tempting and manipulating me. If it comes down to it I always know how things will fucking end. I closed the door. I burned the bridge. I'm the villian, I'm the bad guy and I'll always be the one to blame. You know what, ive always been good with that.

You know why im a good man? Because i have enemies. And they manipulate and play games. I don't. If i care for you all  i do is wear my heart on my sleeve and I'm transparent.

But im strong for a reason, I dont need anyone. Ive never needed anyone. I'm fucking fine doing all my adventures on my own and chosing my own paths in life to follow. Thats where I stand currently.

I dont do mind games, I dont do passive aggressive silence bullshit when most precious blood is involved and you only message to twist the knife further.

If I needed to twist the knife I have my own brand of tactical nukes I could use agianst you, but I have been careful and chosen not to. I dont attack people who have hurt me. Not even the mother of my child. I make peace and move on.

People come crawling back to me, I never put in the effort or beg for anyone to be in my life. If you walk away, ill be already gone. 

I don't look back. 

I will always be on my own and I will always have a fucking battle to fucking fight, most of those battles will be in my own fucking head alone. 

What and who I choose to do for... my decisions alone. 

I dont ask anyone to stay the path, I know where it leads, its the road to damnation. I'm already going. Im not reaching my hand out to anyone to fucking tag along.

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