Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

Turns out i've been busy dealing with everything to not notice all the small things, having to fight with the goverment to keep a fucking roof over my head after I've worked for two and a half years to support myself isn't the most interesting thing I've done in the last week but it has been the most important thing, gotta love bureaucratic nonsense and bullshit, it doesn't help that my employer is also fucking me around, I've officially been taken off the night shift because someone who was hired after i was has complained she wasn't get enough shifts, that really seems fair, but I've been expecting to be used up and thrown away for fucking months. I might get some casual call in shifts But the fact i am still waiting for my Roe three weeks after the fucking request, and the fact that i have been completely off the fucking schedule for the last month, i think the writings on the wall, of course is would be nice if there was a legitimate reason, instead

I am trying to discover reason's for being right now, as i watch the chess peices break and fall around me i wonder if i have made the right decision in choosing to stick around hamilton for as long as I did, even tho i grew up here it's very clear to me that it is no longer home and that all my old freinds here are dead and/or gon elsewhere and I am merely Choosing to live here because of employment, I have other options but am choosing to remain stagnant for the promise of things might get better, I don't see that happeneing very quickly, and any goals i may have had a month ago to improve my life have changed and died on the vine because now i'm back to merely surviving, it's sad when you think everything you've worked for your entire life just turns to shit, but i don't see any way out of the black hole I'm in, Once upon a time I had choices, now the only choices i have I don't seem to like where they will lead me and/or the alternatives. Current

Estranged 1.to remove, as from usual surroundings or associates; keep apart or away 2.to turn (a person) from an affectionate or friendly attitude to an indifferent, unfriendly, or hostile one; alienate the affections of I'm a little less pissed off today than i was yesterday after spending a night inside my own head thinking about everything, at least when i see things clearly i can somewhat understand the games you play, the biggest issue is the times you choose to play them, i'm already having a rough time with the fucking bullshit at work and of course you go and start tinkering with his little head so you can play him agianst daddy, we discussed this on the telephone, he's gonna try to play you agianst me and vice versa but you don't help things by trying to get him all emotionally confused and not explanining things to him, if I'm out of work, if i don't have moeny for a toy, if i have to or can't explain something to him all I give him is the truth no

If i hadn't suspected that you had a recreational drug use problem before you're new asshole boyfreind confirms my suspions, how far under the bar did you had to search to find him, rule one.) if your a fucking douchebag do not try to be my fucking freind, esp. when you hang out with her and have more access to my son than i do, two.) what the fuck are you smoking when you are dating a shirtless dick that's about 55 years old and looks like a cross between robert plant and cocaine dealer, I'm assuming this is exactly how you want to present yourself as a role model for our son, that's ok he knows who the better parent is anyways, karma's a bitch so i'm sorry about your foot, but you should really not be drinking and doing whatever else you were doing with the new cocaine addled boyfreind, I mean you must have really scraped the bottom of the barrel with him, of course he probaly feeds your habit, Wonder what would happen if you were asked to take a piss test

We went to see the new toy story movie today and had a good time, really good kids movie, he likes the first 2 better tho i think, and is really bugging for a puppy and or a sibling... having a conversation about having a real brother or sister today was somewhat weird because i don't think he's ever going to understand why that won't happen, wish she wouldn't put ideas in his head, it's about having fun and being good because he's a great little man, i don't feel like venting tonight because i have him i'll vent later. he's so awesome and loves me so much,I'm glad i chose to have him for fathers day, He's been misbehaving a little but par for the course cuz he's excited... it's all good. Current Mood: Happy. Simply having children does not make mothers.

Hopefully this weekend goes as planned and we get to go see toy story3 and hang out because it's father's day, little things are so important and it's times like these that can make everything that sucks in my life go away, all i wanna do this weekend is hangout with him and have a decent meal with him Sunday and maybe if we get a chance see that movie, i know he really wants to go and I've manged to save just enough money to budget for it, last call in Hess tonight will help as well... hopefully this will lighten my mood and make me less of the dark and angry person I've been all week, when i can't even stand to be me, i wonder what people around me and that care about me think. Current Mood: not feeling well, goddamn heat. Of all the things I`ve lost I miss my mind the most

Why is it the one person I hate and loath as much in this world that i can about someone I once loved seems to be the only person reaching out to me and being accommodating at the moment? Even tho it may be false pretenses she seems to currently be the only one that understands what I'm going threw with a lack of any income and living merely day to day the way her and I used to back in the good bad old days, i can't live like that anymore I'm no longer that young... but the fact that she understands my need to see my son on fathers day and is accommodating enough to even bring him into town speaks volumes and erases just a little of this darkness cloud that hovers over my head... Of course there's always the little quote from my little man that bother's me some, about her loving me a little bit.. i can't tell what that's all about but when she shows her rare random acts of kindness esp. when all i see in my life is anger and darkness directed at other people

I am getting sick of living my life as mere survival, it's been over ten years since i set out on some crazy mission to make a difference and even then i find myself spiraling into a black hole of nothing, I have tried to make the best choices for myself and my loved ones and stay independent but it seems that everything I do ends up with me fucked over. I can't sit and sacrifice anymore,there's nothing left to draw blood from a stone... all i feel around me is the darkness creeping in, I am to the point that i can't even afford to spend father's day with my son because of bills have taken priority, what the hell is the use of being a good person when all you get is nothing? If I went back to someone who never gave a shit and didn't care about others would I be stronger, more ahead of the game? pretty fucking sad that I had better things and never had worries like the ones that are piling up right fucking now back when i was on the streets or in jail, and dealin

I am sick of justifying doing one thing while having to sacrifice other things just so i can afford to keep my head above water, if it were truly up to me i'd just sign myself into a hostel and have the city take care of me for a few months, if i was an alcoholic drug addict that was homeless i would be treated better than an upstanding citizen who is getting fucked around by his nameless employer... it's time for a big change, if that means making a step back somewhere, maybe that's what's needed, my trust level is zero and if my life is becoming something in which every day is a struggle for survival, then it's time for something better, something diffrent, not half hour arguments with beuracracts that don't know anything more than i do and have maybe, if their lucky the same level of education i do. Current Mood: Angry. Man can live about forty days without food, about three days without water, about eight minutes without air, but only for one second without

I'm finally moving forward and out of the darkness that has recently dominated my life, i need to be doing better things with my life and keep living in reverse.. I am seriously thinking about how fucking much I hate my life here and considering other options to change what my status in life is, there is only so long i can live on skid row before i get angry and depressed, it's time to get my shit together and get things done, if it means moving on it means moving on, it's not like I owe any loyalties to anyone here, family comes first, always. Current Mood: Pissed. Beyond right and wrong, there is a field. I will meet you there.

It's another day in which it seems that I might just be sacrificing my ethics in order to survive by applying to a place I have sworn for years I would never both being involved in due to the fact of there dubious nature, Of course when it comes to surviving and being a provider you can't turn down any job in ghetto hamilton, even if it isn't the desired place of employment, right now i'm throwing anything agianst the wall and seeing what sticks.... I can't go on living like i'm nothing, there's no employemtna dn No supports right now... the only way to survive is to play my guitar and i need a healthier version of my own exsistance. Current Mood: Hungry. One of the truest tests of integrity is its blunt refusal to be compromised.

Getting a little closer to not giving a fuck, another usueless day of nothing but boredom and forgotten dreams, when i can't see the future all i have left is memories and pissed off emotions, i don't like the fact that i feel betrayed and vindicated about a great many things but i am waiting to see what the future is bringing me in terms of some hard decisions, there's not much i can do at the moment but watch the days tick down, all i have right now is time. Current Mood: Sad. You can't change the past, but you can ruin the present by worrying about the future

I am beyond bored, nothing like hanging around sychopantic hangers on all weekend and not truly doing anyhting with my life... It does not help that even tho a few months ago i couldn't see anything in my future now i don't even see tommorow, when every day is a futile chase to survive this is not how life should be, i should just up and go and disapeer find somewhere else to be, there is no point to staying stagnant, this is strike number 3, i'm kinda hoping something good comes of this but when i am making choices between rent and food what the fuck am i doing here.. and it's not like i'm doing anything but sitting around doing nothin. Current Mood: Apathetic. Life swings like a pendulum backward and forward between pain and boredom”

Nothing like arguing with a goddamn bureaucrat that has been blocking any possibilities of career advancement for the last year on Friday morning, because she made a mistake and then went and wasted my time by having me come to a meeting at 9 am, I'm a midnight shift worker 99% of the time, therefor i am nocturnal.. having me show up at that hour is a huge pain in my ass, and to show up for nothing, it shows how little the government cares about the working poor in this country when their civic servants waste the time of employed people yet just distribute hand outs to people that aren't looking for employment or popping out six thousand kids... i think I'd be better off on social assistance alone right now than trying to remain gainfully employed but of course i wasn't put together that way.. it's going to be a long summer.. some hard decisions are ahead.. i need to make a choice if I'm going to stay in Hamilton or move on.. it's been two years here.. that

One hopes the weather will be nice this weekend and i can figure things out financially without having to borrow money to pay the rent, i do not like that 100% of my income lately has gone on rent and that other things have came from sacrificing shit, of course my son always comes first but it is still frustrating to have to go to the pawn shop because i have a weekend visit with my kid... of course the fact i have a pile of movies i can sell and replace online makes things a little easier... but whatever, it's just a rough patch, i get thru this month I'll be fine. Current Mood: Hungry Experience demands that man is the only animal which devours his own kind, for I can apply no milder term to the general prey of the rich on the poor.

As i Said earlier things are improving and i did what i needed to in terms of employment, it looks like i'll be back at my regular job next month and things will be back to normal, Of course getting a huge from two of the clients that miss me the month was good and is one of the main reasons i take shit from my employer the way i do.. we will see where things lead but i am feeling a little better today, better than yesterday when all the shit hit the fan. Current Mood: Focused. When it comes to the future, there are three kinds of people: those who let it happen, those who make it happen, and those who wonder what happened.

Right now things are improving and I don't know what the hell to think, I'm half expecting to destroy a relationship i've spent a year building a year and a half of Trust, when even my employer agree's with me that it's nonsense that i've been called to court... i Just don't understand... let's institutionalize these kids more and prepare them for a life in prison and in the adult court system, To serve and protect my ass, more like to Punish and Enslave, it is going to be interesting to see where this goes, and I think the fucking nonsense surrounding it has saved my job... they can't fire me if i have to go court for them, their's a level of trust that's been forever eroded at work and i'm not sure if the fire's still there... every thing i disagree with, the politics, the high school bullshit, it's all relative.. if i find something that makes me happier i might bolt... but i don't know what to think when it comes to them a

Right now i am clearly wondering what my obligations are to my employer or soon to be ex employer, both ethically and legally, this is fucking horseshit, it's seems like they are trying to cover all their bases on this incident back in whenever before they let me go which is fucking nonsense, and if they want me to be truthful they will not like the result, if this is the reason it's seems like i'm going to be let go in the near future, as i feel the decision has already been made, why the hell would you want a bitter, angry former employee on the stand speaking truthfully about something i objected to in the first fucking place... of course in the bizzaro world of Child Welfare in Canada we let kids be abused and neglected and worry about their rights secondary... I am torn between what I know in my heart is right and what someone who has obviously no interest in maintaining me as an employee wants a positive outcome from.. i can't lie on the stand and i will not... pe

Nothing like trying to create stability in my job and taking off one of my most noticeable features off of my face to find out less than 24 hours before the interview that it's canceled? why fucking call me then if your not going to bother checking your fucking facts.... of course it doesn't fucking help that i don't have my fucking license but whatever, it's not like i give a damn... the world is an ashtray it's not about who can do the right job it's about who looks the prettiest on paper... I've stopped giving a damn about anyone but myself and my child, there's merely no reason too.. even when i want to feel something positive someone i do not know decides I'm not good enough... really starting to think about getting the fuck out of here and going to Windsor... but that's probably not going to happen. Current Mood: Depressed. We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light

Even tho i am full of positive energy right now i know how easily that emotion can change into anger and despair in terms of everything i need to achieve in my life... must stay positive and keep the positive power flowing... hopefully something comes of tomorrow's interview and I can kiss off to my current Employer, i don't need the nonsense and I am kicking myself for sacrificing time with my little one. I am starting to regret that and I am thinking that this summer I am not willing to do so....Of course The silence is telling... things will probably come to a head tomorrow when i show up in a suit, my good boots and clean shaven, I'm already having my friends harass me for going corporate, but the goatee is already gone and it's about survival nothing else...plus my son has been bugging me to shave it off for a while... Current Mood: Positive. Every one is a moon, and has a dark side which he never shows to anybody

Dinosaurs was awesome and he enjoyed himself, it was something diffrent than a movie, he is so happy when he is around me and even if i am am having personal issues he makes them all melt away and gives me positive energy... i love him so much... there is only one thing that matters in this world and it's him. Current Mood: Happy. I brought children into this dark world because it needed the light that only a child can bring.

Nothing like forgetting all the bullshit in the last few weeks and sitting around with my son and having lightsaber duels with a couple of his lightsabers... we had a lot of fun last night battling with his lightsabers and being big bad star wars people. we are going to see the dinosaurs tonight. I'm really enjoying this weekend and looking forward to seeing toy story 3 with him on father's day. hopefully something will come this month and make it easier to provide for him agian but he's happy, he's fed and he likes his new optimus prime sandals so it's all good. Current mood: Happy Children find everything in nothing; men find nothing in everything.

I still can't feel a fucking thing and I am supposed to be looking forward to a tommorow that will never come, at least i have been fucking smart enough to prepare for the enviatable and prepare paperwork and alternatives, a smart man is always prepared for armageddon in his personal life, sometime's hard choices and Hard desicions have to come naturally, it's not like I ever chose the easy way out anyways, It has to be a struggle or i am not fufflied, it has to be the way of sorrow and pain, One chooses to be alone so that he does not affect anyone else, it's a good thing that as accostumed to the revolving door of people in my life that the children I look after, or at least did, have the same mentality... you fucking wonder what in the world would cause a child to have attachment disorder, looking in the mirror at management might help. i never claimed to be anything more than a man but it's getting me that it's real fucking fucking obvious that instead of be

Nothing like wearing my blue and black suit clothes in the middle of a lightning storm immediately after a job interview. i have a good feeling about this one, because it is close to the house and exactly what i have been doing for the last year... in comparison to where I am currently working it looks a lot less fucking Mickey mouse too.... the diffrences in the interview process where phenominal, i mean it's less about about need at this job and more about the right person for the job, i don't think i'd end up feeling like a fucking programmable drone that it used up and thrown away at this job. They asked me what my long term term goal was, and that was permanence in my feild somewhere.. i already acheived my short term goal, that was working at a group home with special needs kids for the last year.... it's too bad that's ending badly.. but at least i have found alternatives and ways to protect myself should/when/if the shit totally hits the fan instead of waiti

Another day another Interview, at least today I am doing exactly what i spent last night doing and channeling my angry feelings into a positive direction looking for a job and ways to protect myself. there is a black hole in my world sucking everything in, but i'm trying to escape it buy being proactive and dealing with the nonsense with an iron steel will. no one in this fucking world or the next can break me, and that is something that will never change. As long as I have enough to survive I don't really care about luxuries or meaningless things. As long as he's happy and fed i can find my happiness from experinces instead of possesions. Current Mood: Positive. Current Music: ....And Justice for All, Metallica. To hope means to be ready at every moment for that which is not yet born, and yet not become desperate if there is no birth in our lifetime.

Boredom and Anger are a nasty combination. I want to go out and do something stupid probaly fueled by alcohol or some other addiction. I can't feel or see a fucking thing.... i have watched my dreams to be a good person and a good child and youth worker vaporized, i have held on to long to false hope about what i should expect from the world. there is too much for me to do in this world to continue to give a shit about people that don't give a shit about me. if this sounds cold or uncaring I don't give a shit, I'm not gonna be a fucking Matryr to people who no longer belive in me and want just to strip the meat from my bones and use me up and let me go.... the best thing for me right now is another job where i can tell them to go fuck themselves because i am gone... It'll hurt but when i feel they do more harm than good it's time to go.. and be gone. Current Mood: Bored, Angry Current music: Infidel, Final stage You don't seem to realize that a poor person w

Keeping the faith is getting a little easier to swallow due to the fact i have three job interviews scheduled this week and one will be working with a good freind at the cadbury plant. eating candy all shift? i couldn't complain... there are things in this world that refuse to fucking make sense and getting laid off is one of those ridiculous things that have to happen at the worst times in my life, of course one of the values of not giving a shit is the fact that I don't care... realistcally as long as my son and I are provided for and have a fucking roof over our heads, the rest of the world can kiss my ass, there's nothing i can do to slow down the marching of time so i don't even bother to fucking try... sorry if that sounds mercanry but to be honest i don't really give a shit.. there are a million reasons why I don't trust anyone outside of my little boy and My sister in this world and typical human behavior esp. employers in my feild have always proven me

So anyways, I'm in St.Catherines doing something i swore i would never do, crawlinhg back to the Satanic army trying to get a job i willingly and happily walked away from because it's the best thing for my little boy.... and the fact that I am burned out from the job i actually want to be doing... still leaves a bad taste in my mouth, but you have to do what you need to do.. i have to survive and I can't do that on Hope and dreams alone. His needs come first. Current Mood: Optimistic. You should never risk your integrity or your soul for any amount of money.