It isn’t good to hold on too hard to the past. You can’t spend your whole life looking back. Not even when you can’t see what lies ahead. All you can do is keep on keeping on, and try to believe that tomorrow will be what it should be—even if it isn’t what you expected.
This toy thing is really getting me down, the sooner I can move past it the better, while people both among my freinds who are involved with the community and I trust them, and they have supported me and know the only reason I am doing this and what it truly supports. most of the people involved are untrustworthy, even some so called friends, any time I have involved someone in the whole deal with the cons minus one fucking time I have regretted it. I do not need people being hangers on and thieves because they see that I am making a little cash. They seem to forget that a lot of what I make is not take home, bills to pay, travel for delivery and trucks for the cons, it isn't just as simple as me making a grand Scott free. It's a lot more than that, the fact is I have to deal with thieves at both a personal and professional level and I can't trust anyone because of the cutthroat politics. It's hard to deal with untrustworthy people always trying to scam a deal. The sooner I am completely done with it the better. Minus one small sale the last few weeks have been completely toy free and I am a better person for it, more relaxed and happier, it's time to move back onto that stage of my life and go back to the person I am rather than hiding behind a wall of plastic so I don't have to show any real emotion to anyone.
The last stage of this fucking nonsense is at last booked and it's time to move onto the planning stages and finish the game with my head held high and as a business man. No more bullshit politics, no more thieves and best of all no more plastic junk. I want to go back to the man I was before. Do you know how nice it was to donate a bunch of the lower end crap figures I no longer care about to a worthwhile charity cause? It made me feel fucking good, the fact my soul isn't completely rotted like others in the greed from this bogus toy shit gives me great hope, but the reality is that it has always been an albatross around my neck and only here for the right reasons and those reasons are ending, at this point it's just time to end the game, it's time to become that man I used to be and keep a few things for the children I care about and the collection I used to care about but now just stands as a monument to how fucking hard I worked for it. It's really no surprise why a vintage piece made it's way to England by hand, loyalty and friendship have always had more value to me than plastic and money, those around me that have proven themselves time and time again have nothing to do with my anger at myself and the toy crap, but there are a lot of people I formerly trusted or involved myself with and those people have been excommunicated from my life, I am not a man that needs to have himself taken
advantage if and I don't abide politics or thieves, esp when one or both infringe upon my personal life, I had reason to walk away last summer. This summer, or this fall, it will be the last of the game, it will be the last time I play, I just can't see anything but an ending anymore, it's time to finish this and keep to my word instead of expecting everything to trickle out forever with it being a few dollars at a time. I'm sick if chasing random people who cancel at the last minute wasting my time, and don't get me started on the cons. When I put my mind to something and it's time to be done it's done. Or when it's time to be gone. The one good thing now is the reality of it being only me that answers to no one Else's greed and bullshit and any choices I make in regards to spending money and/or which toy shows and conventions I do are my own. For far too long I labored under someone else who was constantly ripping me off and I was not getting what I needed completely out of the equation, now the game has changed and as usual I am the only person left standing, but this time I have an albatross of bills and bunch of things that while have value other than a select few personally have no more value than the garbage I dump upon the street. As long as the vast majority remains in my Possession it remains an albatross choking it around my neck.
This isn't the person I am or ever wanted to be and none of this plastic shit will ever make me happy or make up for the things I've lost, at best it has been a distraction something to provide money and the funds to continue my personal battles... It has done that, but a long time ago it stopped doing that. I think the saddest part of the entire deal of the last three years is the fact that I did have all these wonderful fucking things and my child was never able to indulge in any of them, and the reality is that now with him being older he may no longer have any interest in any if it, that I can deal with, I just hope he knows that every second of energy and every dollar I put into this toy nonsense was to provide for myself in the hopes of getting him home.... Other than that I would have closed up shop and walked away a long time ago...We will see what the future holds but I cannot see my existence with these things as it has effected my mental health and personal life on too many occasions lasting beyond September, there is no point. I need my life back and I need these things to be gone. Even some of the memories that are good from this bullshit are marred by both mine and other peoples actions. I have always maintained that I make choices and that I am responsible for my actions. I am accountable. However some people both in and out of my life are not as solid and that's why they are no longer part of my life, if I cannot trust friends who get a taste of the tiny little bit of success I had with this shit without stabbing me in the back, which has happened repeatedly by different people, some I cared about and it was unexpected and some I should have seen coming, but the point remains, the fact that people are obsessive over these little plastic
pieces of crap and I can trust customers more than I can trust greedy and self centered friends that collect is a sad fucking reality, and all the excuse for this to be the end. I hope that fucking people involved in my life realize that from day one this meaningless plastic crap that I try and hold a few items of value from for my son was all a means to an end. Especially the last 2+ years when it has had no meaning to me except to connect me to my little boy and pay legal bills. With recent revelations coming to light it makes the fact that I worked my ass off for him and to try and fix this mistake that has made us broken the one thing that has always mattered. This still stupid toy gig has been responsible for that. I've always known that one day I'll have to walk away, but as long as this thing continued to support what was really important it wasn't the time, now I am winding things down and the personal hell is once again descending what's left of my soul back into the darkest places of hell, not even these things can be a distraction. Only an annoyance. The more I think about things related to this toy crap, the more stress and pressure I put myself under, I have to remind myself that it will be ending soon and that will be by my choice not anyone Else's, I paid the bills with it, and a time a very long time ago it was actually fun, that time has long past, but I do have some good trusted friends as part of the experience and at the end of the day that's all I really want to take from this, not the anger, not the politics, not the thieves that pretended to be tight with me so they could take advantage, just the good people and the good memories. That's all I need to take away from this, maybe a little bit of a collection when it's all said and done, but I have real battles to fight, real battles to win. This is a stepping stone to that, it always has been. I have no regrets. This is yet another thing that comes down to the fact that this has provided for me and my child, towards this battle, it may not be worth it anymore, and their might be some residual guilt that some of of this things have gone missing, stolen or I have sold as a result of the last 3 years, but his things have paid for other things that were important for him as well as I can replace most of those things with better things. I feel no guilt at all doing what's right for my son. I just wish that some of the things I had for him he had a chance to enjoy, there will always be a few items left over from the original pile of stuff but it bothers me that this amazing experience over the last few years he has been deprived of. I am sad it is ending only because I have never got a chance to have him be a part of that world for a minute, that's the only thing I'm gonna fucking miss.
I am frustrated by the stress of planning these big events and while it is easier now that I am doing it for myself and the entire slice of the pie rather than someone else where I only get 20% plus the skim, and my agreed upon daily rate, but I remind myself, I am doing this alone after 2 years of being stabbed in the back, two years of often not being paid at all, it was a fun gig while it lasted but I have been in exit mode for almost a year, someone else walking away just made things harder, without the big toy shows it's just a pile of junk waiting for a little boy that's probably far too old to really enjoy them, hopefully soon they will be all gone except for a handful kept for my private collection, a few others for family and friends, and then the game will be done. Bigger and better things in my life right? When I am clearly showing disdain and annoyance with the gig even thought there are people around me that think the convention thing is cool, they're right, it was cool, there was a time I had fun with this, but the entire last year has been a fucking exit strategy and while I won't throw away money, it's time to be done, the games over, one or two last grasps at the loot and I walk away. The fact of the matter is, although I have made a little money that almost 100% went to legal fees to fight for the true battles In my life, I have lost as much as I have gained in the long run with this stupid plastic garbage, things have been stolen, things gone missing without explanation, all based on two greedy little motherfuckers I can squash like bugs psychically. It's time to recoup my losses, find a way out after the next big thing next month and call it a day,
I have revelled in the fact that I had accomplished one of my childhood dreams of running a comic book store with this collectible crap, and it was good experience for whatever comes next in my life, the fact of the matter is the more I distance myself from it the happier I am, and that's what needs to happen now. Soon. All this has been is just another stage in my life, unfortunately this was a needed one even when it turned to shit. But it will become another thing in my life that will become a memory and unlike most things in my life there won't be any nostalgia or any reason to look back. This was a job, same as the last one, the fact that it's been going a year too long is entirely on me. Fucking sad I have been doing this toy crap for longer than my actual job, the thing I actually want to do, the thing that I've been torn away from, one of the things this thing had paid for is the fact I have the option to return to the other thing, I just have to deal with the other battle first before I can focus all my energies. the days count down, there isn't much left of this empty hollow shell of this experince, this job, it's a just a matter of clearing it from my life and finishing the game, it's provided for almost 3 years, But No More.. Not anymore... I need to go back to the person i used to be, it's not as easy, it's not as lucrative, it's a lot more more politics and a a lot more stress, but at least with it It's not as hollow and as fake and I have an agenda, I decided to be that man in 1997 for a reason, the toy thing was just a lucky happenstance and I do not need it in my life anymore other than as a hobby and a happy memory. (which it isn't completely for various reasons.)
Current Mood: Determined.
I always thought it would get easier to be a person as I aged. But it just gets more and more complicated.
Concentrate on what you will do, not what you should have done.
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