Vigilance is the foundation on which victories are built.
Things are changing and outcomes of decisions are Starting to be Discussed, While I am happy and Content at the moment, The fact that I am going back into the workforce at some point as I am currently Job searching and the Income that was being Derived from this stupid plastic crap is dwindling down, Some hard decisions are likely to be made and some freedoms i currently have are likely to be sacrificed for the greater good, I know that I am changing and seeing things differently after years of standing still, There are still Hard decisions that are to made and there are Cracks creating frustrations, I have spent so long taking care of myself and Only one other person, I'm not sure i know how to do this, to have a family, to be happy, to be whole, the fucking truth of the matter is that I'm not, I won't be till it's over, the only thing that i know for sure is that as soon as i make a few more bucks the Toy thing becomes something In a glass coffin a memory, one less albatross around my neck as I go on to fight the only battle that matters, but it's going to be an interesting ride over the next few months because I do not know where I will be in a few months, nor do I know who I'm Going to be, i'm not the man i was, I'm not the man I thought I wanted to be at this point in my life either, I'm just a warrior that's unsure how to fucking settle down. i Can't, i refuse to not while there's a battle to fight, A war to fuckin Win, but then I look at other things and what's happening with them and it's time to figure out what the next step is, God help me, I'm trying to fucking make this work, but the next few months are going to be the big decider...things are getting better but I'm still experiencing frustration and the truth is certain decisions have to be made for myself and not for others, and the xfactor is the little boy that I'm trying to preserve some of these fuckin toys for instead of selling everything i own, It has to stand for something, but I'd be an idiot not to look gift horses in the mouth in terms of some of the toys. i try and tell myself some of the frustration isn't about money but it always has been, this isn't new, I just have to be fucking vigilant about it. I need to remember whose always been there in my fucking life and continue on the path that is right, the one I had chosen for me, I didn't get a fuckin say in the matter, this new distraction is something i appreciate but I don't want it to become the next albatross in my life, i don't want this to become another thing like the last three years, something like my college and University years, Something that All i can Look back on with Regret... it means for than that... It has to, or what the fuck am i doing here? This is the fucking year where I make things count Or i walk away from everything I've known and things that i have fought for.. There aren't any more options Only one thing is important but i can't say anymore he's the only thing In my life that I care about, there are others that have helped fill the void, I'm not whole, But I'm a Lot less empty, but the frustrations remain... those need to be dealt with... and not all of them are external.
Current Mood: Frustrated.
Current Music: Staind, So Far Away.
I don't have to prove my worth and value to any but those I love, and that I do by being who I am, with confidence that those I love appreciate the good and accept the bad. Does anything else really matter?
Everyone dies. It is how one lives that matters.
These were the companions who justified my principles, who gave me the strength to continue against any foe, real or imagined. These were the companions who fought the helplessness, the rage, and frustration.
These were the friends who gave me my life.
Sane is boring.
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