It was not well to drive men into final corners; at those moments they could all develop teeth and claws.
The chess pieces are in motion, whatever this is, it has started a raging fire and I will see the embers of this fire burn everything away, I don't know The end game anymore, not anymore than i could ever foresee it, I have never had any doubts about the eventual end game, I just questioned the cost and how the hell we have gotten there.. You have me stuck in the trenches, you have Me in a place where nothing else matters, somehow this is always the situation it has always been, war never changes, but I'll use any advantage, I'll Use what i can when i can, I have a bright spot and a little bit of hope but it's always been that little bit you give you use to twist the knife further, I'm so jaded and so armored that even if it was something like that, i wouldn't believe it. it's time to think tactically and pursue the final fucking end game and see where it leads us... It's not about winning or losing, it never has been, it's about that little boys soul, and regardless of my blackness, My soul will never be stained as bloody as yours has been. This is why i have the high ground, this is why one day, possibly sooner than later there will be reckoning, there will day of judgement and it will be in his eyes and his eyes alone that it matters, you may have conditioned to hate me but i promise you one day I will not be only one that he hates... I don't fear you, i have never feared you, Only what he thinks of me... the monster you have forced me to become... this dark abyss that protects me and one day him from your influence. This game is only slowly ending but It Will end and i have no illusions to that fact. I'm prepared for the End, regardless of the final act, can you say the same? I can't say that i will ever trust you for any reason and I know that you will always be a rattlesnake ready to strike, but you take the cobra at the head, and in my own mind to inflict a lethal blow I have no problem sacrificing myself, I'm not the important one here, Something i think that you have forgotten. I won't back down and i won't be forgotten about, no matter how much you have tried to erase me from your life... I stand tall in the flames burning like a phoenix, this thing that simply will not die... and I'm not alone in my fight anymore, there are others that care and support me and they will be there regardless, no matter how far this dark angel falls. i don't care how dark a soul mine becomes, it's not stained with precious blood, Both you and I know that, that's your sin not mine. All i can do is do what i have always done and that is fight for what is left in my life that is right and good in my life and while i will acknowledge that there isn't a lot of that in my fucking life, there is some, and most of it is in him. the little goodness that remains from you i hope remains in him because as far as i concerned your soul is black and your soul will not see hell, your soul will only experience oblivion, the depths of hate that i have for you is not something that will ever go away, i've learned to fucking live with and move forward, and that's what this moment is, it's only moving forward.. soon there will be a true line in the sand, soon everything will be on the fuckin table and there will be a true ending, I have no illusions on that, And I'll stand tall, for him, only for him, no matter how battered and destroyed this old warriors soul has become.. no matter how much the darkness inside rages, there will always be that little bit of emotion that is pure, that little bit of light within my heart, the only bit that you haven't destroyed, the fact that there is hope under all the blood, all the anger, all the hate, as long as that little bit remains I know that one day i can be truly whole again, regardless of the cost. One day we will be Whole Again, you haven't taken that from Us yet. I live for the day I can lay down my sword, the day the battle ends, Sometimes that's the only thing i have left is that fact that somewhere out there there will be an ending and i will be a warrior No more, i can truly be something else. I never wanted to be this person that i am, But clearly i adapt, especially when my back has been placed against a wall... Unfortunate that's where i am at my best is when someone has backed me into a corner, I don't know how to anything but Fight, I don't know how to back down and i don't know how to fall down and be broken and surrender, All i know how to do is survive and survive in the ashes of the flames. and come back stronger than ever... I would die upon my sword if that's what it took to end this, but somehow I don't see that being the final outcome. All i know how to be is strong, All I know how to do is to stare into the eyes of Satan herself and spit in her eye. I don't fear death, i certainly don't fear you. i don't fear the end, the only thing i would or could ever fear is the disappointment in his eyes if he ever asked me "Daddy, Why didn't you fight for me.." if this book i have written over the last ten or eleven years is any indication that's one thing I will never see and a Question, that on my own reckoning day I will have answers and i can tell him that it's One thing that i always did, And i never backed down from my Duty as a father and I never would have. I'm not responsible for this, and he will know that I never gave up or ever doubted my love him for a second, I have doubted myself but never him. That's not something I am capable of....
I can and will face the ghosts of my past, and every self inflicted scar and every one that you have given me, You should know by now that i wear my scars proudly, and this one you have inflicted is only a lesson and has made me stronger. I have doubted only myself in the past but never the fight, I have tired of this endless battle, As all soldiers I tire of the war, but i never doubted the cause, or the reason and what I'm fighting for. As long as i have that, I know my cause is just and one day, there will be a victory, it may not be in court, it may not be any day soon but it will come... I have no doubts or illusions of what will happen when that reckoning day comes. this isn't about settling and old score,or any type of revenge, althought i can only say that about myself, i don't know the demons that rage inside your head. This is and always will be Only about him.
Current Mood: Determined.
Current Music: Motörhead - I Don`t Believe A Word
He who wishes to fight must first count the cost
The whole world can become the enemy when you lose what you love.
Never, never, never believe any war will be smooth and easy, or that anyone who embarks on the strange voyage can measure the tides and hurricanes he will encounter. The statesman who yields to war fever must realize that once the signal is given, he is no longer the master of policy but the slave of unforeseeable and uncontrollable events.
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