It's interesting how I go thru moments in my life where I just want to distance myself from things that have came before, I have done it in the past, it's certainly something I'm attempting to do now. I'm old, frustrated and wondering what the next step is, the toy thing is done, a few dying fucking embers won't change that. The battle continues, a war that has defined us both, and will define the man he is. The question is what remains of who we used to be, in my case, I honestly feel there's not much left of who I used to be, I have an ideal of both who I am and who I used to be, but that's clouded by five fucking years of hell, a decade of fighting, and questions that remain unanswered to this day, if I'm angry and cynical there is a reason for that. This is the person you've made me, heartless, uncaring, unattached. The one thing I will never fucking be is your favourite role tho, I can play the villain, I can be the bad guy, I can be the evil one, the one role I'll never play is the victim, besides you are so much better at it than me. I don't know the next step but I do know that I've got no problem burning every fucking bridge that stands behind me. I have no ties save one, worth saving, no loyalty to memory, or to a lost soul that has been in my rear view mirror for longer than I can remeber.
I'm sick of being judged for my actions, I'm fighting a losing battle here, and while this chapter is fucking ending, no one least of all me knows how, I'm sick of being second guessed by who I care about all the time, and I'm sick of struggling, I've chosen to liquidate most of what I've owned including most of my sons belongings old and new to fucking survive, for what to be judged for not having a fuckin job? For not trying, what have I been doing the last year, looking, where was I in Toronto this week, I'm sick of being held accountable, I had a good job, I didn't fuck that up, those weren't my actions. I'm sorry that I don't live up to expectations, I've been on my own twenty plus years and I never asked for much, but I'm sick of the little things always being fucking problematic. I'm sick of always being blamed and being the fall guy and the bad guy. I'm to a point where it would be a lot easier to say fuck it and disappear, I've done so before. No I'm here standing, struggling, why? Because there's someone more important in my life other than me, but the rest of you, and this petty bullshit and arguments, they are fucking distractions, nothing more, it comes down to it, I'll take care of myself, I always have before. I am no ones victim and never will be, no am I going to be a fucking matyr for anyone's cause save my own. I'm fed up with a lot of my life and many fucking things but I'm not going to back down from important things, but it's always fucking nice to be let down by those I care about constantly, maybe this is where the asshole loner streak comes from. I'm better off alone.
I don't know the next step, but I do know that right now I have one goal and that I am not going to be fucking distracted by petty bullshit and arguments, I don't have time for that, I don't have time for a lot of things in my life, I'm not functional, I haven't been for a long time, I'm just a warrior, it's a fucking battle, that's all I have left, everything else is going thru the motions has been for years, this toy thing, the apartments, all of my relationships in my life, what the fuck do they matter when I can't feel a fucking thing other than anger and hatred in one solid direction? I'm done placating people, I answer to one person and one person alone, myself. My decisions and actions are on me. I live and die by who I am, not who I was. But Jesus fucking Christ I'm nine months away from being fucking forty, it's time to be treated like an adult of fuckin value, I've been on my own 21 fuckin years, most of alone, trying to do right by me and my son, I honestly don't have fuckin time for others bullshit and/or unrealistic expectations of me. I live in the real fucking world, some people need to come back to it.
I don't play the fucking victim, not for you, not for family, not for anyone, that's your game. Not mine. I'm not backing down or giving up even tho it has been suggested, do you know what keeps me going every endless fucking morning? The fight, the goddamn endless battle, knowing that one fucking day this will be ended. That's why I fight, that's why I stand tall, but sometimes crumbling buildings need supports and not more damage done to them internally from within. These are and always will be my choices, I don't care if some people don't like them. I'll draw the line in the sand once agian if I have to. I'm at war.
There have been pieces if both me and him sacrificed along the way for the greater good, at least that's the fucking hope, but the reality is I don't know that anymore, I just know how to fight, how to stand tall even when I'm fucking burning. I don't know who I am anymore, just this person full of rage, anger and hate. But I know exactly who I am at my core, that won't change. The one thing that keeps me going is being his father. That's the only thing, that's all I have left, that one little piece of the man I was, the only little bit left. All I've got. I make my decisions on the man I am, not the man people want me or expect to me to be. That's my reality.
I don't have time in my life for people that don't serve a purpose. I have constantly cut people out of my life because I had to, I don't fucking question it. I just do it. I don't care, when someone in my life stops being useful or betrays me or worse, is taking advantage of me and my good nature, it's time to cut the cancer out of my life forever. I don't have options. I only have solutions. I'm not a good person, I'm just someone who won't compromise my ideals. I'd rather be a noble fucking demon that is damned for his every action than to sit and accept whatever this is that is currently my life... If I am going to burn let it be in the Elysian Fields or on a field of honour, I am no thief, I am no abuser, and I will not capitulate to doing something to make my life easier for the others involved in my life. I've always chosen the hard way, sometimes at personal cost, I'm still a man that lives by my own personal fucking code of morals and ethics, I won't sacrifice that, I live outside society, I choose not to belong. But I have only grown harder and more bitter these last five years, I know who I am, I haven't changed. Only the people around me have. My sacrifices matter not at the endgame. There is only going to be one person standing then, regardless, and then I will either be standing tall remembering who stayed the course and was behind me, and forgetting who was not. Or I will be a damaged broken man who will need those that still have my back to help whatever's left of my already shattered soul. I have to be this man, there is no compromise in the face of Armageddon. I can and will stare down Satan in her place of comfort to end this. I hold no illusions about the rules of engagement and no illusions about the terms of surrender that have been negotiated. It may not lead anywhere and it might just be another bullshit gambit and mind game, but as long as there is a little bit if hope, that's the fucking thing I hold into. The only way this fucking ends is on my terms. I think you have known that for a while now. And if this last Hail Mary is just another chapter in your psychological fucking games, may heaven help you, I will fucking destroy you, with no quarter, no emotion, no surrender and no remorse. Those are your options.
As far as I'm concerned when it comes to you, you do not exist, you don't affect anything in my life save one little boy, I give you the respect being his mother accords you but past that, you don't affect my universe, my decisions or my life, I've long since moved past you... You're a ghost of another life. Best that you stayed dead and buried and forgotten in my back pages. Safer for you.
It's frustrating that I have been able to provide and be a good father to him but I have been denied that, the fact that there was an opportunity to give him a few things but it was refused, it's frustrating. This is my world. I'm trying to eliminate the extras from my life and make a little scratch and it's frustrating that at the end of the day I'll have a few things and some good memories but all of that has passed without his involvement, there is no looking back on it fondly, I'm not looking back upon it at all. I have to look forward and I have to finish this. That's where I stand right now. I don't need people or things in my life that don't fucking matter or play mental mind games, I'm aware of the stakes and the fact that it is at the end game, I'm not the bitch with my back up against the wall, I'm not the one making questionable choices at weird hours. What I am is a silent warrior, carefully planning my war game. This will end.
Current Mood: Depressed
There's a saying I like: 'One sword keeps another in the sheath.' Sometimes, the threat of violence alone is a deterrent. Sometimes, by taking a life, others can be preserved. It's the code the samurai lived by...
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