I'm starting to get really fed up by decisions and actions by those that question and second guess my actions. First off, I take care of myself, first and only and I'm getting fuckin frustrated of being expected to do more than that, If I have to I can very easily turn on someone and get real cutthroat, second, I do not like anyone attempting to control me, my decisions, my money or my thoughts. I get really annoyed when I'm second guessed or taken advantage of. I don't know what my future holds, but I'm not sure this new status quo of mine makes any sense, I'm fucking sick of sacrifice, and more than that I'm getting annoyed by the fact I am sacrificing things that actually mean something to me to make others comfortable, the only place that money should be going is towards my interests, and not fucking bullshit, way too much of it had been spent on distractions and it does have a finite ending, it shoulda have stood for something but instead I am feeling like the golden goose, a prisoner as long as I can continue to lay golden eggs, I've simply traded one master for another, the difference is the last one was on the level, if he was gonna fuck me over, he was terribly blatant about it, here I'm not sure exactly why I'm hanging around anymore even with the emotional attachements, the warming signs are going off all around me and I'm fucking ignoring them, why? Because I believe something? Because I have faith in someone character? We will see how that fucking serves me in about a month. Bottom line, right now I don't trust anyone and I'm sick of taking care of others if my own needs are ignored. I don't know what the next step is if I'm constantly being fucking frustrated and I feel like my contributions are a one way street, it is easier to be alone and only have myself and myself only to take care of. I am in the middle of making some hard decisions, ones that may come back to haunt me, but I'm trying to decide what the decisions are going to be for the rest of my life, not just for this fucking moment, so depending on the outcome of the next little while, I need to figure out who I am in this life and where I'm going to be in six months to a year, because right now I feel the last year had just been me in a holding pattern, standing fucking still, waiting for change. That's not how I operate I want to make change in my life I just fucking do it, I'm just afraid of the cost to people I do care about dearly, but sometimes I have to do what's right for me, not others. I'm completely frustrated that everything is dwindling down into nothingness and that everything I have spent the last three years+ collecting and struggling to keep is once agian gone, story of my life, I just can't have fucking nice things I guess. Don't know what the next step is, I just know I'm no longer looking behind me, and more than that I am deciding exactly where I am looking and going moving forward and who is and who is not going to be beside me for the fucking journey.
There is a true reality that this fucking toy thing is done and unlike my original wishes, I will only be left with the scraps, I'm fine with that, I can replace anything and the value of some of this shit is more than worth the sacrifice, it just bothers me that this another thing I have missed with him and the fact is, I have chosen to put it my rear view window, the longer I hold onto this crap the more I am going to be reminded of another adventure taken without him, the years I have lost, the nothingness that belongs to me, I'd rather start Agian and buy other things than be reminded of how little the last few years have fucking accomplished and how frustrated I have and always will be, sometimes I figure it's better without emotional and materialistic attachments to things, they can only drag you down, and for the record I didn't accomplish half of what I set out to do with this crap, it's lasted long enough and it's done what's needed to be fucking done, but things I wanted, the guitar, the tattoos? These are things a younger more naive man wanted, but there is no fucking reason I should not have them. I worked my ass off, it shouldn't all turn to fucking dust and frustration. This is my empire of shit and it's nothing but ashes and in the past, once it's all done it's time to move forward and forget this replacement person that I was forced to be and go back to the man I am at my core and only him, broken but still there, a warrior, standing tall, protecting that which is most precious to him, everything else is and was a means to an end. And that end, that judgement day is coming, now it's only a matter of moments anything I've had can be replaced after that. the Things important in my life are things that should not have and can never be truly taken away from me, No matter how Fucking hard you try.
Current Mood: Frustrated.
Current Music: Metallica, The Unforgiven
Starting your day with anger is like locking yourself in jail. The outside world is enjoying life, while you’re locked in your own frustration.
Sometimes having no money for a long time feels like a voice inside your head that grows louder and more obnoxious the longer you're without it.
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