I need to make a choice and very soon, I'm not going to sugar coat things and keep having the patience to bite my fucking lip when confronted by my choices and other people's fucking choices... I don't mind sacrifice when it's needed but I'm not going to be bled dry either... I've been in this exact same situation back in 00-01, and 04, Difference being back then i worked my ass off busking and working to make it work, this time i have something else i can do, but I'm sick of every dollar going elsewhere, I don't mind helping out and sacrificing but i shouldn't be bitched at for choices from over a month ago... I don't need drama in my life when i choose to be here instead of at home alone... and I'm not going to continue to be the emergency breadwinner until there's nothing left... I made a choice on several points to sacrifice my wants and needs for the good of others and then i made a choice to do for me and my son later... I'm making choices now to do the same but I'm getting sick of being this guy, I haven't been a parent really in five years and I'm having difficulties being one now with all the expectations on me and I wonder when it gets down to making sacrifices later when i need to be home for him if things are going to remembered or if I'll be left alone... I already have some clue and expectation of which one it's going to be... things are changing in my life and some hard decisions are going to be fuckin made soon.... I'm getting fed up and I can't keep sacrifice till there's nothing left... it has to fuckin stand for something... and not just be used as an income for the one I don't have, I have responsibilities elsewhere, and i don't need fucking guilt trips constantly over something i got for me and my son over a month ago... i know one of my biggest mistakes was bringing everything here, and then making it something of value instead of a bunch of junk in a storage locker, i should have been done over a fuckin year ago... instead of continuing to survive on fucking vapor trails. I've been here before, I didn't like it then, I don't like it now... and that's going to be the breaking point. it's time to be done a number of things, i just need to make the fucking choices to do so, even if i don't like the results... and I'm going to make fuckin choices for me... Just like others are making fucking choices for me... I don't mind being fucking alone.. and I don't mind being myself, some of that has been fading away lately. I don't question others choices esp, when it comes to their fucking money, why should i have to be judged for mine when i've sacrificed so fucking much to get to the point we are at now.... if you really knew me, you'd know how full of sacrifice I am , but sometimes I have to occasionally do something for myself, esp when i've been putting it aside for fucking months to take care of others. this is a lousy time of the year for me and it's not like I'm not trying but it's frustrating and I'm getting fed up. It's all about the choices we make and I'm not liking a whole lot of mine lately. this isn't full fucking circle for me, this is exactly where i used to fucking be, and i wasn't happy then, I'm not happy now... there's only so much good karma and emotion can do before i become the cold heartless, greedy asshole I know i can be... Self preservation is always going to be the number one priority. followed by my son and what I need to do for him, everything else comes after that... I'm not sorry I fucking feel that way either... this isn't the time of the fucking year to piss me off and cause me to have regrets over money... Five Fucking years this holiday, and i can't really fucking afford to give him anything if he was to come home tomorrow... thank god there are things for him for the moment until im fucking bled dry. That being said I will not allow that to fucking happen, Ever.
Current Mood: Pissed Off.
Current Music: Boulevard of Broken Dreams, Green day
When you're surrounded by all these people, it can be lonelier than when you're by yourself. You can be in a huge crowd, but if you don't feel like you can trust anyone or talk to anybody, you feel like you're really alone.
The sun stopped shining for me is all. The whole story is: I am sad. I am sad all the time and the sadness is so heavy that I can't get away from it. Not ever.
You say you're 'depressed' - all i see is resilience. You are allowed to feel messed up and inside out. It doesn't mean you're defective - it just means you're human.
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