I have never claimed to know what my next step is, All i know is that i have never looked back except once which was a mistake, other than that I have always moved forward, even when i have had to fight.. now all I have left is the war, I never claimed to not know how to fight but i've long since lost the drive to want to. I honestly wonder things when I wonder what i could have done differently... A decade this July i made a choice to put my son over my education and what has that gotten me? sand fleeting from my hands... A never ending battle with a selfish woman who only cares about her best interests.....A war that's neither wanted or one that I am ever able to walk away from... I look at all the options and play all the cards.. and now they are all on the table... this is war, this is about who has the tactical advantage, this is a chess game with real world consequences and it will never be about your and mine relationships... I've long since moved on and for the first time in my life this last year i have been happy, only there is something missing, and as long as that little part of my soul is cut away from me.. I will never, ever, fucking stop fighting...no matter what you say or do.. I don't and have never feared what you could do, or your actions or words.. I only fear disappointing that child.. the one you have taken away from me for so very long, every thing else has been a willing sacrifice and easy to walk away from... I have No regrets, but i do have plenty of bitterness and anger, And i know who they should be directed at. there will be a judgement day and their will be a reckoning day and on that day I will be laid bare and will offer no excuses for never abandoning my fight, My war, My choices.. I often wonder, Will your Mother be able to say the same thing... does she realize what she's taken away from you? it's never going to be about me, It's not about my wants and needs, I've proven that, but there are things that one day we will both answer for.. I'm more than willing to account for myself and show you every scar..... can she say the same? if this battle is the thing in my life that defines me that's fine... I never want it to be the thing that defines my son, and his life.. and right now I feel that you are just a pawn in the hands of your mother and she is putting words in your mouth, Five fucking years she's taken away, More than that she's made me fight, and for what? to gain something over me, control? Something she can never have... i hope one day you do think for yourself and she exposes herself for who she is.... I'm pretty sure she already has, but until i know for sure I'll keep fighting... this is my war, and it's only being fought for one reason and one reason only. I question every thought and emotion I have because I wonder if they betray me, and sometimes i wonder if it's anger or hate that drives me, I know for certain that their are elements of both there, and I know the scar tissue that remains on all sides, the only thing I know for sure Is that this battle is fought over different ideologies, Different sides of the same angry coin.. the people who me and your mother are not the people we planned on being... but this is the world she has created for all of us.... A world I Never wanted for any of us.... It could have been Better, those are your choices Jennifer... not mine.... When that day comes I will lay every thing out In his hands... and let him decide for Himself... Something you Never Will. it's time to move on, but i will never look away from this battle, the war that I have to fight, You can't be the only guiding force in his life.... Ever.
Current Mood: Sad
Current Music: Seether feat. Amy Lee - Broken ft. Amy Lee
You want to know what I was before all this? I was nobody. Nothing.
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