There comes a fucking time in my life if I feel trapped I am going to fucking run away and say fuck it, there are things in my life that are important, and when I constantly do for others but forget my own child how the fucking hell is that fair? I honestly don't know the next step, other than I'm not big on being fucking controlled and imprisoned. Right now I'm feeling a lot of both.... Is my heart in the right places? Maybe, is my mind? I don't know anymore, it's frustrating, this last year I gladly swallowed pride on many occasions to do for others, I'm starting to feel like when push comes to shove it won't be done with me, I've resisted returning to Windsor and saying fuck it all for a decade, now I spend most of my time an hour away from Windsor and that prospect has me seriously considering walking away from everything I've known the last fucking decade and going home, fuck all this nonense and move away, to freinds who expect nothing, to a place where the only person I had to make happy was me, but I fucking sacrificed that for the chance to be a father, emotional ties are hard for me to break and I have made some, but it's sad that at this point if my life I am once agian being fucking dictated to, I can look very easily in a rear view mirror at the last person that attempted to control me, last time I checked that did not go over fucking well. I don't do well with being told what to fucking do and what decisions to make in my life, I will stand up for myself eventually and I will walk the fuck away. It's not the first time, I highly doubt it's going to be the fucking last... I'm trying to make this work, but if we are constantly hitting brick walls and fighting, I'm gonna call it a day, I have a war, a bigger battle to fight.... I know exactly where my fucking priorities are, it's frustrating when others don't.
Every frustration I have about the end of the game last summer comes from the same place, what's even more frustrating, is that I put myself into this position, by the person I am, and sometimes that person should be ignored. Sometimes it's a lot easier for me say fuck no, it's about me.... But I'm not like that, I get frustrated about money, but everyone does. How is it fair that my high end shit that I could have kept for my kid I got rid of to have something that might last a little longer? I did the same on the holidays and before that, I made a fucking choice then, just like I did recently, sometimes the choices I make people aren't going to fucking like, but I'm frustrated and I'm going to make those choices, just like when I make the choice this week to buy fucking groceries when and if the money comes in. That's my choice, that's who I am, but it shouldn't be expected or demanded when there is more available here than I have known at some points of my life, and others get paid more attention to financially and spoiled on occasion than I do. I've worked hard for this shit, harder still to get rid of it, I shouldn't have to sacrifice everything because it makes someone else comfortable.... I need to make me comfortable too, my happiness counts. I'm very frustrated at what seems to count around here and what doesn't. I have a life outside of here, it's broken and it sucks, but I do have my own thing going on, maybe soon it's time to go back to that on a more permanent basis, it's a lot less frustrating.
I have seriously lost interest in a lot of driving forces in my life in the last few years and I don't know if that's a reality that I just don't care, or if it's a result of the world around me, I don't care too much regarding my choices lately, and I'm not surprised that I am moving on, the toy thing is history, whatever is left is just trickling out and being done. I'm not sure what the next step is, but I'm not complaining that this has sustained me for the last few years, but it's been clear on a lot of levels from a lot of people that I've been taken advantage of, whatever. I make my own choices, I know when to walk away and I know when to not give a fuck. I've had an interesting run, but I don't know my future anymore. I've had bigger things to deal with the last five years, it's time to consider where I'm gonna be in a few months. It's about time for me to discover who I am going to be the rest of my life and not be an echo of who I used to be. I shouldn't be putting in as much effort as I have been, I seriously see an end to all this much sooner than expected, but when the only one putting any effort into survival at this point is me, it's frustrating. If something needs to be fucking done it shouldn't be an argument and waiting days on end to do it, I don't know what the next step is but I envision a lot if things in my life at this moment ending.
Current Mood: Depressed.
There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds.
I'll never forget how the depression and loneliness felt good and bad at the same time. Still does.
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