Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

There is always a storm. There is always rain. Some experience it. Some live through it. And others are made from it. The most important gift you can give your children is the importance of standing up to injustice. Children will remember moments spent with you. However, it isn't togetherness that creates humane parents and righteous kids. It is the example of integrity that a parent sets and the on going lessons they teach about compassion toward others throughout their lives. A good father or mother teaches their children that cruelty is not something you cause or ignore, rather it is the moment you suit up for war. There is simply no emotion for you anymore, only apathy, only a want to have the process over with no more stalling and no more games. I am aware that given our relationship that will not likely come to pass. But it's not about you and I it never has been, at least one of remembers that fact. My sole drive and the whole reason this needs to end is the welfar

Battle doesn't need a purpose; the battle is its own purpose. You don't ask why a plague spreads or a field burns. Don't ask why I fight. Nothing tortures your enemies more than seeing you walk with a smile of confidence on your face. I don't need to fight and risk myself just to prove that I am more stronger. All I need is to show my smile that surely will irritate them. Five fucking years, I count them everyday, I know exactly what you have done to me cunt. I know the things that you have fucking taken away. I know what have you done to the both of us and how your actions have affected all of those I truly care about. Because of you, you have damned my child to never having a normal life, because of you I don't know if the damage that has been done can ever be repaired. I know what the cost is, and it's not my fragile psyche that will need repairing, that is a curse you and only you have given our son. I'll die a martyr if it means that little boy k

The man who shouts wins battles; the quiet man wins the war. You don't go into battle because you're sure of victory. You go into battle because it's the right thing to do. The man that I was and the man I am now are two completely diffrent people. The only things that haven't changed are my ethics, my ideals and the love I have for my son, not to mention the never ending battle. Hell has no illusions for me when I die because for the last five years I have lived in purgatory. That's what you have truly fucking taken from me, is time, not bring able to watch him grow up is hell, the worst nightmare I have ever had is the one I live and breathe every fucking day, it rots a mans soul. I hope it was worthwhile for you... Yet somehow I am a broken shell of a man that still finds the willpower to stand a fight, even when I have had more than enough reason to abandon hope all ye that enter here. No, that's my style, I might lose the war, I might lose everything,

Some of us are born to live and to fight. Others are born to fight for their right to live. When those two collide, there’s hell to pay. Why is it that I can work in my field without an issue hypothetically yet I am supposedly not allowed to be around my children? There is an agenda at work to attempt to silence me because I have spoken out on more than one occasion in multiple media formats. I'm no stranger to other people and their agendas. Everyone has them, even me. The difference is I'm not continuing to maliciously destroy anyone life to prove a point, I am concerned that this was a last stab at me from a disgruntled employee of the government because of what's coming.... I'm also concerned about this following me the rest of my fucking life... I am miserable and at war, but it is a war I need to fight, forty years and I am defined by only one thing, who and what my circumstances were when I was fucking eight years old, the system moulded me, made me what I am..

Don't be afraid of your fears. They're not there to scare you. They're there to let you know that something is worth it. There are three things all wise men fear: the sea in storm, a night with no moon, and the anger of a gentle man. I don't like being a prisoner, and I like being caged even less. I live the way I have always lived, by my wits. Even when the name of the game is survival. There was a time when I wanted material things and a time when I didn't. Now I'm just merely frustrated and wondering the next step in my life, I fucking hate roadblocks. I've always moved forward in my life and never backed down from anything or anyone, this bullshit of just waiting plays upon the mind. It was one thing when I had distractions to play upon the mind and made some of the pain a little less immediate, but the last few years will only be remembered as a monument to my child, nothing more, a glass shelf of things that could have been and what's left, a f

Choosing battle is one thing, and quitting battle is cowardice and I can't imagine doing that Thus it is that in war the victorious strategist only seeks battle after the victory has been won, whereas he who is destined to defeat first fights and afterwards looks for victory. It's time for another chapter in the War against the System, It's never going to be About Just my relationship with my ex wife, even tho she has caused it.... As long as I am, who I am is always going to be The opposite side of the card against that fucking broken System, I've known since I was young that i would always be fighting them, It's not just about my Son anymore, I have other children that need to be protected from the System and the threat that is coming.. The Only way I really know how to defeat a fucking threat is to be a bigger fucking threat... I'm strapped and ready for the fight, and this is where both the anger and intellect come into play.... I am a physical presence

The brutalities of wolves are not for enjoyment and pleasure; they are all just for the survival. There is going to be a fucking serious reevaluation of my life in the near future because the way things stand right now I am less than fucking happy... In fact miserable is the word. If hanging on to prove a point is the only reason to do so, why the fuck am I still here? I'm sick of starving and busking for my dinner while others enjoy the fruits of my labors, decisions are going to be made.... I only have so much fucking patience for anyone, and when I get fed up look the fuck out, I don't mind using my wits for fucking survival, but it's frustrating when I have other options and questions remain why I'm not at all being productive about them. I'm fed up with everything as they stand in my life, and if it's all about choosing your battles, very soon there are going to be some battles I don't care enough about to fight, even if it hurts me personally or fina

All that is gold does not glitter, Not all those who wander are lost; The old that is strong does not wither, Deep roots are not reached by the frost. I don't know where my life is going anymore... things that used to make so much sense to me and feel fucking real to me are starting to fucking fade away. I'm not sure the next step anymore, too many questions remain, and it seems like for everything that i fight for, everything else fades away, it's like every battle won precedes a dozen more to fight, and it's not the fact I'm fucking tired of fighting, and i always know what I'm fighting for.. but sometimes i question everything around me, and what the hell counts anymore, it's frustrating being just on this side of forty and what are my accomplishments... there is only one that really matters, and it's so frustrating to see the next step or to know the last step... trust me I am taking a seriously look around on my life and who I am and i don'

A threat should never be spoken, your enemy should not be told of your intentions. Either take decisive action or refrain from it, but never threaten If there's any guy crazy enough to attack me, I'm going to show him the end of the world -- close up. I'm going to let him see the kingdom come with his own eyes. I'm going to send him straight to the southern hemisphere and let the ashes of death rain all over him and the kangaroos and the wallabies. I am not the threat here, and I will never be.. the only people that should ever feel the need to be afraid of me are those that have wronged me and wronged my loved ones, I don't care if that you are an an individual or an agency, I don't back down and i do not fear anyone... I do however expect you to fear me... I don't back down and I don't ever feel any fucking remorse... this is a war not a game and It has steeled me to my core... So when you come into my life as a threat I will fucking respond in ki

If you want to control someone, all you have to do is to make them feel afraid. One can judge the seriousness of a threat by the character and tenacity of its opposition. The ones who hate me the most are the ones who don't scare me. Do i look like someone who could ever be Intimidated or threatened? I'm the fucking threatening one, that's how that plays out, you don't come into my or my loved one's home and threaten me over something i have already proven to be innocent of, I have only one answer to that, and it is the threat of violence.. I have no question of that, you have taken the most Important person in my life away from me because of some selfish vindictive bitches nonsense and the fact that you can't deal with a fucking insane policy that anyone raised in care is damaged goods... But here's something... Yes the fucking system raised me... But guess what, The Children's Aid society of Toronto may have raised me but they also gave me a sch

To fall in the void as I fell: none of you knows what that means… I went down into the void, to the most absolute bottom conceivable, and once there I saw that the extreme limit must have been much, much farther below, very remote, and I went on falling, to reach it I'm fucking done having arguments with people that assume wrongly they are better than me. I'm at war for the safety, secruity and sanity of my child agianst a vindictive bitch and a corrupt system. How dare you fucking tools sit there are argue with me about the law and about what can and cannot be, it's even worse when some of that is coming from a so called ally. Well, as far as the fucking ally goes, I learned not to trust that a long time ago. The others? I'm at war with the system, as long as that is a part of my life I always will be, it's fuckin sad that as long as the system is in my life I will be at war with them, a war I have been fighting since I was 8 years old, fuck, for Christ sakes all

It’s not only about sadness. In truth, sadness really has little to do with it. Depression is pain in its purest form and I would do anything to be able to feel an emotion again. Any emotion at all. Pain hurts, but pain that’s so powerful that you can’t feel anything anymore, that’s when you start to feel like you’re going crazy Sometimes I think I won't ever feel safe until I can count my last days on one hand. Three more days to get through until I don't have to worry about life anymore. It's fucking something for me to know that I am in a darker place than usual right now, and that the anger and the feelings of uselessness are contributing to that, the fact that more than one fucking person has contributed to the fact that I'm feeling fucking used has not escaped me either, this is one of the many reasons I decided long ago that if you weren't with me 100%, I didn't need people in my life that affect me in this manner. I'm at a point where I'm st

Of all the money that e'er I had I've spent it in good company And all the harm that e'er I've done Alas it was to none but me I'm sick of the only real thing of value in my life is chasing bullshit people that are unreliable... same sold story i guess.. It's just frustrating to feel that i have hit a brick wall in my life and I am just sitting here waiting for the next step of my life to begin, pretty fucking sad that's all i have left other than the anger... at least i have indication of how my story is ending, very soon i will start building from the wreckage of the things that are left.. there will be a shelf of memories that he didn't get to experience, and some memories will remain exactly where they are in my mind, but some things that i once had interest are only limping along on vapor trails and fumes... and that's exactly where they should be. Decisions are going to be made, one's that not everyone are going to like...but you know

What you call 'hell' , he calls 'home'. I am no one's fucking savior, Jesus Christ I can't even save myself... maybe in the long run I am better off alone with only my skeletons and demons to keep me company because if it means finding myself in the same situations over and over again, then why the fuck am i here? I don't know if I want to walk away from my life right now, but I know between court and financial issues that it would be much fucking easier to pack up and fuck off to Vancouver or someone else and start over with nothing, that's how easy it would be for me to fucking fade away, because i don't need pressure in my fucking life, and I don't need to fucking deal with haunting demons except when i choose to.. but when i trust that sometime soon we will be faced with another impossible choice, I know exactly what my decision is , because it's always the same answer. I walk a way to protect those that I love both here and There... i