I am no one's fucking savior, Jesus Christ I can't even save myself... maybe in the long run I am better off alone with only my skeletons and demons to keep me company because if it means finding myself in the same situations over and over again, then why the fuck am i here? I don't know if I want to walk away from my life right now, but I know between court and financial issues that it would be much fucking easier to pack up and fuck off to Vancouver or someone else and start over with nothing, that's how easy it would be for me to fucking fade away, because i don't need pressure in my fucking life, and I don't need to fucking deal with haunting demons except when i choose to.. but when i trust that sometime soon we will be faced with another impossible choice, I know exactly what my decision is , because it's always the same answer. I walk a way to protect those that I love both here and There... if it's going to come between between me and the life and safety of an innocent... I know exactly where I stand, And it's not here... it's always my choice and always my fucking decision, I do it with no regrets or anger.. but when it comes to everything else I'm long since willing to be anyone's savior... I do what's right... that's all I have ever done... I just get frustrated when it feels like I am being taken advantage of... and it will come to a head when it's the exact same co dependent bullshit I dealt with a decade ago... the difference between now and then is back then i had nothing to lose.... Now, I'm barely fucking rebuilding the tattered remnants of my life and everything I worked toward the last three years, the things that gave me purpose are slowly fucking fading away... they need to stand for something, they all can't go.. and things that need to be paid because they didn't come from me but from my family and my hard work they need to be answered and not just forgotten about with excuses. I need to choose my path and make decisions on my own, i used to even thru all the fire and hell see my paths clearly... all I see clearly now is the demons, the skeletons and the ghosts of my past, and that's somewhere I refuse to live in anymore.. but standing still where I am right now isn't working anymore either. i don't what's next, what's left, or what I'm going to do, but i need to fucking do something, Something has to change.. there is too much at stake for things to remain as they are.... I just don't hold any answers in the sand in my hands anymore.. 40 is approaching 40 much to soon and what do i have to show for it... a few plastic things for my child? a couple of electronics? None of that has any real substance, I have no legacy, I'm a carbon copy of the biological and I have done so much more in my life that i shouldn't fucking be where I am, I've always been better when I've been on my own, No attachments weighing me down.. No one to Sacrifice for, No one my actions could affect... it was always easier to cut ties and broom people out of my life when i wasn't a father, when i was a lot younger and had the world in front of me.. and now now all I have is the looking back and seeing sand castles made of broken glass, bleeding in my hand.. nothing i have to show for anything in this life except a lot of broken memories.... And My little Boy. That's what rips me apart... I have nothing, Nothing to show, Nothing to hold, nothing left and nothing to look forward to. just more of the same.
Another thing to those that don't like my fucking opinion and how and why i fucking voice it... when you owe me fucking money that i desperately need to fucking survive when I'm at home after i have desperately exhausted my own at the time helping you're ass out, Don't expect too much sympathy for that glass house you fucking live in when i call out my opinion opinion on the social welfare state that we live in.. I judge people accordingly, and I have worked for everything i own, i've never taken anything i didn't for fucking survial, those that play fucking games with the system and live upon on i despise, I don't give a fuck.... i see you living high on the hog but when it comes to paying the fucking bills, it's always someone else's problem, let's not fucking claim it is anything else... the twenty bucks was an insult and it still fucking stings, I'm done with you as a fucking freind, i don't need your drama and bullshit completely. when you are one of the main causes of strife in the place i call my household, i'll be fucking damned if i'm going to bother with you. and for you to be pissed off and ignoring me for a known fucking opinion i have always held.. then fuck you.... I'm not going to change... Fuck YOU. I'm done with people like that in my life. completely. I have no fucking time for people that just take from other's with no remorse for their actions and just have excuses for their pathetic lives while they are busy fucking other people over... it's one of the reason's i am fucking glad that the fucking toy thing is done. sick of it all.
Current Mood: Sad, Angry, Depressed.
Current Music: Tom Waits - Hold On
Most people think time is like a river that flows swift and sure in one direction. But I have seen the face of time, and I can tell you: they are wrong. Time is an ocean in a storm
Hate is baggage. Life's too short to be pissed off all the time. It's just not worth it.
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