Sometimes I think I won't ever feel safe until I can count my last days on one hand. Three more days to get through until I don't have to worry about life anymore.
It's fucking something for me to know that I am in a darker place than usual right now, and that the anger and the feelings of uselessness are contributing to that, the fact that more than one fucking person has contributed to the fact that I'm feeling fucking used has not escaped me either, this is one of the many reasons I decided long ago that if you weren't with me 100%, I didn't need people in my life that affect me in this manner. I'm at a point where I'm starting to seriously consider that the only important person in the equation is me, and sometimes that's where things have to end. Because that's when and where they fucking begin.... If I see a black hole that I cannot fucking escape from, I'm not just going to leave, I'm going to run. I can face the fire and flames, the issue is I no longer feel that certain aspects of the process are worth bothering with anymore, I feel awful saying that, but I'd rather be honest and not care than limp along pretending that there is something to my life that there isn't. I don't know if this will ever end, and I have no illusions that the other major battle in my life will ever see a fucking resolution but when I am seeing history repeat itself a decade later, it's time for some hard decision making skills. I'm sick of people not being there for me when I trusted them, worse I fucking hate being taken advantage of, and recently that seems to be all that I have had done to me, so yeah I do think I have a right to be angry, I have right to close ranks and stick to myself, and 100% I have a right to limit the fucking idiots I trust. Because at the end of the day, at the end of this war, no one is going to have my back save myself, why the fuck should it be any different than the rest if my life, at least that way I know exactly where I stand with people, against them, adversarial. It works better that way. I'm sick of fighting, but worse than that I'm sick of being treated like a fucking doormat, no wonder I withdraw into my own world and define myself by the things I have and once had, why this stupid plastic shit is so important to me. Because there is nothing else in my life of substance right now, at least when I look at this crap there's a tie to the person I was, I person I hardly remember in the mirror anymore. I don't know the next step, I'm just sick of looking behind me, and realizing how many knives I've had in my back yet somehow I'm still standing.
Right now I'm angry and borderline batshit insane watching a lot that means everything to me built the last year crumble, and I am afraid, old skeletons coming out of their graves once agian to fucking haunt me, and there is a fight or flee response, I don't know how to cower in fear or to play ball, my only response is to stand a fucking fight, if my war is going to be a war, then that's the fucking solution, everything is answered by a fist, I don't fucking understand the word retreat, but it fucking sucks making emotional connects and having the ghost of a fucking selfish cunt always haunting my life, it's been longer than a fuckin decade since I've had an emotional attachment to you, I've been fighting this war for 5 years, I don't understand why you attempted to fucking ruin my life in the first place, but I'll promise you this, for every moment of pain and heartbreak he you have inflicted on me, I'll return the pain upon you one thousandfold. No more games, I'm done playing, I'm done having you affecting my loved ones. I face the future with no fear, that's the man I am, that's the man I have to be, but in my darkest moments, the ones were I use anger to mask the frustration, I am afraid.
Current Mood: Angry, Depressed.
Current Music: The Unforgiven, Metallica.
I want to escape from myself. For when I do start up and stare myself seedily in the face, as happens to be my case at present, my blankness is inconceivable--indescribable--my misery amazing.
When you live with voices in your head, you are drawn inextricably to voices outside your head. Very often the voices work to confirm your worst suspicions. Or think of things you could never have imagined! There are only so many hours of the day to hate yourself
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