There is going to be a fucking serious reevaluation of my life in the near future because the way things stand right now I am less than fucking happy... In fact miserable is the word. If hanging on to prove a point is the only reason to do so, why the fuck am I still here? I'm sick of starving and busking for my dinner while others enjoy the fruits of my labors, decisions are going to be made.... I only have so much fucking patience for anyone, and when I get fed up look the fuck out, I don't mind using my wits for fucking survival, but it's frustrating when I have other options and questions remain why I'm not at all being productive about them. I'm fed up with everything as they stand in my life, and if it's all about choosing your battles, very soon there are going to be some battles I don't care enough about to fight, even if it hurts me personally or financially. I make choices for me, and me only. Whatever I choose has a motive, I don't need to constantly second guess myself and be depressed about my decisions. There is a better and more important battle to fight, and that's what I'm going to focus on, that and my fucking goals the same ones I've always had, I'm seriously feeling some scorched earth policy right now... And I have gasoline and a fucking match... I'm too old to be this fucking frustrated... Sometimes if you give someone enough rope, they show exactly who they are and hang themselves by showing their true colors... Time to show mine.... I'm a deep dark black hole of despair and I can go right back to being that any fucking time I choose....I'm not going to be angry and I'm not going to lose sleep, I'm just going to say fuck it and walk away, it's been a long time coming..... There are bigger battles to fight...more important things and people to focus on... My patience level for anyone is at an absolute zero of late, and the fact that I let myself become cornered into this situation is even more frustrating than usual. Some times the lone wolf reigns supreme without attachment, friends, family, relationships, they can all just be an anchor sweeping me into the deep under the undertow.... As usual I withstand the pressure, but I ask myself, for how much longer..... And why? the last 3 plus years have been good to me, but the last 5 haven't and the toy stuff wasn't shared with my son so it will never be looked upon fondly. When I stop caring about things so much I start to bury every emotion, look the fuck right out, because that's when I become a very dangerous man, and I'm getting to that point.its not a good place for me to be, but it's an even worse place to be for other people, especially the ones I don't look to fondly upon. These are the choices I've made and I don't regret them, just some of the things along the way, but when I'm becoming unhinged due to other people choices, it's time for me to walk away... In my mind I can be somewhere else with no judgement, no politics, no endless battle, no bullshit and no contact in minutes... Windsors only a nap away.. If I wanted to I could disappear easily into my old life and forget who I am today, not who I am or what I'm about, but of late the call of old friends loyal to me regardless what happens and the fact that I made my way out there, alone with you, without anyone as a lone wolf appeals to me, I made a choice a decade ago to make what was truly important to me the greater priority, but I know every fucking day exactly what I sacrificed in doing so, regardless of the hell, I still did the right thing, but there are always gonna be fucking days when I question the decision, but never the cause. I owe him that much, I am his fucking father, that's something that can and never will be taken away from me, no matter what other bones have been stripped from my back. Everything in my life will always lead back to that being my only priorities, even when I try to escape and place my self into an illusion of stability, the reality is my life is chaos, and all I am is an agent of that chaos, but I wield my chaotic life as a weapon, it's a sword and rifle in my hand, I summon the will from the the chaotic dark center of my heart because I have to, because I choose to, because the fire and flames don't hurt me, they never have. They define me. Without them I'm just a caged old man, Unforgiven. That will never be who I am, I choose to fight, I choose when to fight and when to walk away, and at the moment I'm torn between the battles I have to fight and the ones I don't want to because it's easier to walk away, no matter what I leave behind. Every good memory that gets chopped away, it's just like the rest of them, part of my past, easily forgotten, easily replaced. Just like me.
Pretending to care when I'm starting not to, is just as an unforgivable sin as actually just not caring, the difference is, if truly at my core I wasn't riddled with emotions that mean everything to me that pull me in every fucking alternate directions I would just say I don't give a fuck and abandon everything, but that's not the man I am, that's not the things I've attempted to build. The hurt will never go away no matter how numb I get, but there have been things and people that have occupied my mind and made them fade, both good and bad, some people I've never wanted to watch fade away, other people, their own actions will make them burn, abandonment is a big part of my life, and it's usually self inflicted so I am no fucking stranger to it, I am a lone wolf, I am of a nomadic tribe, but the one thing I will never abandon is my cub or those that I claim as my own, if the choice it is made for me, so be it... I've been down that road before, but I gotta admit, it hurts like hell. When you love someone, truly love someone you fight long and hard with every breath for them, even if it's a fucking mistake in doing so, I learned that the hard way, because when I truly had let go, it was the moment she wouldn't, so there slipped the knife in my back. I've tried for years to be hard and angry and not make emotional attachments knowing my true nature, but honestly, the die is cast... I know where this road to nowhere leads, where this private insane war I fight will end up, I know where I will always end up when everything is said and done, I will be sitting here staring at a wall or a television with a black screen without power, alone.
At least in that, there is one comforting thought, I know exactly where I stand
There are only remnants of my old life left, only scraps of my adventures of the last few years, an old tale, experienced alone. The things I have tried to keep are meaningless, of no more value than an old poster on a wall. The experience wasn't shared and more often than fucking not, I have been taken advantage of, if all I have left is the skeletons rattling around old chains upon a closet, I hold no illusions to the next turn. Sooner or later, I end up with nothing. I have been here before, and I have been broken down before, the difference is, I'm more than self aware about when it's going to happen. And if someone is going to destroy me, it will be only one mans hand, the one who self destructs. No one else gets that option, not anymore. I have at least earned that. When and if I am done, it will be by my choice, by my own fucking hand.
I'm just fucking fine taking care of myself and the things I need to to do, if things become a burden I can choose to cast them away and walk away, but usually my style is to use gasoline and a match and burn that fucking bridge asunder, that way there is no looking back. The fact I am questioning that option completely at the moment either shows how much I have been tamed by the normality I want and choose or it's the true nature of my character. It doesn't matter which one is the element of truth, it will not matter soon, things need to be confronted and dealt with, I can't live my life in a fucking bubble. I refuse to live my life afraid, I stand unafraid, willing to fuck with all comers. I may go down, but good fucking luck keeping me there. I'll get back up and fucking fight. Whoever I have to, whoever in want to, I just won't fight for the wrong reasons and sometimes that battles that mean the most are the ones no longer chosen. That's what questioning now, but true colors will always appear, my heart is pitch black with tiny little rays of light for those I care about, and my blood, it's a deep red that flows thru my veins, cut me I bleed, it lies on the ground showing me at my core, it's the color of the fire and passion in my veins. I have no problem showing exactly the kind of man I am. I also have no problem walking away if that's what it takes, if it keeps those I love safe, not knowing, as usual, that's the hell. And choices made for me instead of with me are always a bad decision, my enemies have been made with less. If and when my life goes off the rails again, this time I will be the fucking conductor. No one else.
Current Mood: Frustrated, Depressed.
Wolves never cry.
If you live among wolves you have to act like a wolf.
A man might befriend a wolf, even break a wolf, but no man could truly tame a wolf
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