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Lost...

All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not wither,
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.

I don't know where my life is going anymore... things that used to make so much sense to me and feel fucking real to me are starting to fucking fade away. I'm not sure the next step anymore, too many questions remain, and it seems like for everything that i fight for, everything else fades away, it's like every battle won precedes a dozen more to fight, and it's not the fact I'm fucking tired of fighting, and i always know what I'm fighting for.. but sometimes i question everything around me, and what the hell counts anymore, it's frustrating being just on this side of forty and what are my accomplishments... there is only one that really matters, and it's so frustrating to see the next step or to know the last step... trust me I am taking a seriously look around on my life and who I am and i don't like what's going on, more than that I'm frustrated by certain circumstances that never should have been my own, i was made for better than this..... not that some of my choices haven't sucked, but there is no reason that I should constantly feel the way i do, walking away seems so much fucking easier, but that's just not the way i operate... i fight for the things I love and the people i care about, I look upon the last five years and don't see a whole lot that matters, and that fucking frustrates me... just like everything else in my life.. maybe it's time to let things fade away.... maybe it's time one of these days for me to fade away... if i can't have the non material things that make me happy, and it's a struggle just to survive, why the hell do i keep trying? it's not about what's here... it's about what is not... it's always going to be about what you've taken away, almost five years, and I'm Still here, still Standing, Still fighting for him, against you, No matter the fucking cost... I just can't help but feeling a little Lost.. but that has nothing to do with you, at least when it comes to you and our son, I have one direction... Go... the only problem there is the constant wait.. you could end this in a second if you chose to, but you don't... that's what dominates my thoughts, but for a little while i had something else, another distraction, but like all good distractions they fade away and all i am left with are the bones and the memories... and myself... and I don't know what direction i am headed in anymore.. I guess the answer is the same as it has always been... South... I'll see you, All of you in Hell, at least there I'll be treated like a conquering king for all my sins, I'm going to there for all the right reasons... unlike others those that lack souls..... my only true sin is fighting to the post of oblivion... because there is nothing left...

Current Mood: Lost.
Current Music: Animal I Have Become, Three Days Grace

I realise now that I wanted to disappear. To get so lost that nobody ever found me. To go so far away that I'd never be able to make my way home again. But I have no idea why.

Remember your name. Do not lose hope ---what you seek will be found.

I guess I can go anywhere I want. If only I knew where to go.

Some things were better lost than found.

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