Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

If I can't be your true love, I want to be your worst nightmare Different fucking reasons for this year being hell, I have had a hard year and i am just seeing some light at the end of the fucking tunnel.... i know one thing for the new year, that will be a change from the last 2 years. I will no longer let my heart be used as a weapon agianst me in some misguided scheme from twenty years ago. I'm not that person anymore. I fought a battle agianst you that lasted a lifetime and when i came to peace with it, you came back into my life and made it all complicated agian. now another year is ending and we are where we always are at the end of a fucking year. The only diffrence this year is I waited a fucking year to give you your ring and I was patient and I had faith that at the end of the day, despite youre mental health one day you would come back to me... I'm not so sure of that now. it's probaly games and you using my emotions as a weapon against me... but theres a fuc

I am never coming home, ever. I walked away from this place once. I will never fucking return. The fact that it has been 17 years since you kicked me out over the holidays has not been lost on me. I tried, but this was the last attempt. I am fucking done. He's an adult. No more need for you're mind games. No more need to come home. It's not like it would have fucking worked out anyways. There is simply too much time passed, that's all it is... emotions remain but our separate worlds divide us and likely Always will.  ...as much as I wish that would change. I can't come to you, my life Doesn't reach that far... it never has. You need to come to Me, and now more than ever that's going to be the fucking case.... this was the last fucking heartbreak and silent betrayal. You're good at those. Keep it fucking up. Tear that last shreds of my black heart so I become complete void of emotion. It's easier for both of us when I don't care. The difference is

You don't love me. You love the idea of me. That man died a slow death on a cross that you crucified me on in 2011. That man is dead. I'm no longer him, I haven't been that man or that boy that you loved in a very long time.  Whoever I was, I'm not him anymore. All of that is on you. But I am at peace and you don't get to ruin that or my happiness. I tried. But now I'm done.  I made peace with the circumstances because fighting my war with you only led to even more ruin for both of us. I needed it to end so we could both be safe. Now I just want to walk away and be done completely. I tried, I tried till the last complete moment. That moment has come and gone.  I have made peace with the fact I am yours forever anyways, even if you are not mine. Because you will destroy any other relationship I have had or will ever had, I can't be with anyone else. You've made that very fucking clear. I get it.  I understand. Behind this mask there is more than just fles

I was a fool to think that anything would change by my grand chess move.  I was a fool to think anything had changed between us. Today, on both accounts. You proved me right. Current Mood: Angry, Bitter. Current Music: Christmas Dreams, Trans-Siberian orchestra  (Because that's all they fucking were. Fail.)

I will never stop trying, even if it leads me to failure. Either this is the most epic thing I will ever do or the most Insane. Either way it needs to be fucking done. I no longer have a choice. I can't do another year of maybe. I was a good father. I always made this season mean something even when the two of you didn't know a thing. This may be the last year I try to do anything on the grand scale. I know I was a good husband and a good dad. You abandoned me, I never abandoned you, you can never put that guilt on me.    Every action, everything I've done good or bad... I regret none of it. I did the right thing in the moment. Just like I'm doing now... one last chance. One last maybe. But it's time, and it's the right thing. I don't know if this weekend will amount to anything. But I'm going to fucking try. After this it might few and far between however. I'm willing to try but I'm not something you can discard or continue to destroy. Or preten

I tried kid. I truly tried. I'm still trying but you're a man now, what I and you're mother do shouldn't matter. You get to make the choice to involve me in you're life now. I just hope one day you know I never stopped fighting for you, and at times for you're mother. I'll always be here when both of you need me. I'm not going anywhere. I just wish other decisions had been made and we hadn't lost all these years. Anyways, I hope you had a good day and you're gifts are here waiting. Dad is proud you're finally a man. I love you and miss you so much. Maybe one day you'll see all this.  Happy Birthday Kid. Guess I can't call you that anymore. Happy Birthday, Son.

I'm calling you're bluff. I want to see if you love him more than you hate me. You're actions this week will prove fucking everything. Our natural order is hating each other. The time for any moment of love is long past. You're most recent actions always prove this. It's logical for you to be my enemy. It's not intelligent but emotional for you to be my soulmate. It's something you will always be, but we are damaged and better on opposing sides. One of us always has to be the fucking villain. Might as well be me for the moment because one day that will change and you're cowardice will be exposed. You betrayed me, over and over again and still I forgave you. I tried to love you when every instinct was to run, every instinct still is to hate you. My feelings for you run deep and some of them run dark. And you fucking wonder why I have abandonment issues.... here's a clue. But my abandonment issues are nothing in comparison to yours. I can look at the m

I am happy, I want you in my life... but you're presence is not needed. I may need and want you, but I will live and enjoy my life with or without you. I just want You to be happy as well, with or Without me. I think you'll be happier with me but I'm done being miserable waiting for you. I have a good life, but I think we would be better together. But my life doesn't and will never reach to you... you need to come to me. I need to be Able to trust you, and that right now is sadly absent. And you create drama out of nothing moments...  ...and I am still here waiting. Still in love with you even as I stare at the ruins of my life. I've said what I need to, now I just wait. Agian

You know the only reason I haven't opened up my wrists because of the way you have treated me and destroyed my life to control you're destiny is because I know it would hurt you too fucking much. I mean I stayed 45 fucking minutes down the highway so you would have a sense of security, even though it would be better for me to be thousands of fucking miles away starting a new life. I expect to live hard and die with a violent demise. You're my only hope that. Doesn't happen. But I'm pretty sure it's going to you. I'm empty without you. I always have been. I'd rather die alone than be with anyone else. I wish you could understand that. I'll always be here. It's supposed to be you, me and him against the world. Not you and I in constant battle against each other.  I stopped fighting you years ago. Now I'm fighting for you. Why don't you understand that. I'll always be here. I'll always be that constant in you're life. But I'm

Every moment brings us closer.... but it's still A battle, but I'd rather be fighting against the world with you at my side than be fighting the war with you. I'm glad we are at peace, no matter what comes. And I want a lot to. I desperately want to trust you and be happy with you, but I know my biggest issue is that it doesn't matter yet. I don't trust you. But I do know at this point I'm listening to my heart....and I am never ever fading away again. I like where we are right now.... I hope this feeling stays. And leads to better things. But I have been fooled before. But I'm starting to understand all the anger and all the resistance to the permanence. You're right, I am the constant. I'm Always going to be here. I'm always going to be the one you cling to at the end of the day. But I can't keep being here at arms length. I need to be there. I need to be with you. I can't just simply observe who and what we are. I need to come home:

it's time to decide who i want to be for the rest of my life, i dont need all these things.. im going to keep whats important and keep and do the things that are most important for me and my family. it's time to sacrifice a few thingsa because i want better in my life. thats the reality of whats important at this point. im not going to just be surrounded by all these things i never use when there is something better out there for me to have.   I'm grateful for the moment i was that guy but the reality is i'm not that guy anymore, and the reality is i never was that guy, it was just a means to an end, a way to wage war, a way to survive aginast all odds. now the tables have turned and I'm happier without all that crap. there will always be remnants of each moment of my life but at this point, it's in my rear view mirror, all the bad memories and the bad people involved in the toy crap... it's not something i want brought forward in my life. i hated a lot of

I'm trying to be patient. I'm trying to wait for you to come to me. But neither of those things are or have ever been my strong suit. I want you talking to me in every moment of my life, I want you in my arms every moment if my life. I want to know this is going to go somewhere, and it's not just a game being played. I miss you like crazy. I miss you in the in between moments now than I did the whole time you were gone. I don't have an answer for that. But I do. I'm really trying to be patient. I don't have an agenda here. Just love, where the hell thats gonna take us.... The biggest thing between us is always going to be trust, it doesn't matter how much we love each other. I need to be able to trust you agian. I can't keep going in these circles. It hurts too damn much.

I don't know what is truth or fiction with you.... and sometimes I get drawn in to you're dreamworld. I don't know if I can trust you. I want to, desperately. But it might be too far gone for that. I'm just waiting for the inevitable betrayal. We aren't children anymore. I hate this feeling of not knowing if there is an endgame here. There has to be light at the end of the tunnel.  I walked away before, because I don't want to fight. I can do it agian. I don't want to but I can. That's always an option. I do know why we fight. Sometimes it gets too close to the right feeling when one or both of us has too much emotion towards the other and instead of dealing with the sadness and drama we focus it into an argument... we've had too much of that. I'll just apologize and let you win the minor arguments now. Because I don't want to lose the major ones. Not anymore. I don't always say the right thing, and sometimes I say too much because I thin

You are missed at little things we should do as a family, movies, meals. Some more than others. I am happy. But even in all my adventures there is something missing. It's you. There's a big void that's always been there. I have a good time with my life, but there is always something missing. Something I once had. Something I am trying to get back to. But that's on you. I can't come over to you, my life doesn't reach to yours. You gotta come to me. I'm waiting. I enjoy my life and freinds without you, but there's always something missing.

I am trying to get back to the person I was when I with you, it's not just about us. I was a better person then. I was angry but I wasn't bitter. I am always going to be a warrior and a fighter but it's not the only thing that fuels me. It never was. But I appreciated the world more back then. I didn't hate it the way I do now. I need to go back to being that person. The world needs to hold Wonders for me agian. Not just anger and destruction. We've had enough of that in our lives. There is only one place I should be at this point in my life and the fact you keep coming back is evidence of that. Soulmates isn't just a word. But the clock is ticking. One more try, if we can get there. Then we will see what comes next.

I choose my life right now, i choose my epic adventures. I am not going to sit around miserable feeling sorry for myself and apologizing for the things that i have lost in this life when It was never my actions that have caused them. this year I have been Sadly reminded of how fragile things can be, and one day all you will be left with is memories. thats why im trying to create as many as i can for those I love. for all of those I love. for some I just have to keep fucking trying and for others, my inner circle i just go with the flow and do the adventures that come along, thats where I am right now. Trying to enjoy my life and enhance others life so they can see there is more than just work to living. i've always lived. I've always had adventures. Money was never a hindrendrance to that. It still isn't. there are those that are memories because they couldnt handle that fact. but im going to live my life and be surrounded by those that matter. because all that truly matter

A year ago you betrayed me for probably the last time, and I have same agenda now that I did then. I am always going to standing exactly where I am, and I'm always going to be here. But I can't say it's not tinged with degrees of bitterness and anger.  Because those things? Those things are fucking constant. We could have had a better life you and I, a better life for our child too. But you made choices... choices that didn't include me. Why do you think it hurt so fucking much last year? Sometimes I hate myself for missing you as much as I do... other times I use it as fucking fuel. That being said I don't need you in my life, I want you to be in my life when you're willing to be. I have my freinds and my family and I have a good time with them and I don't want for anything in this life. No matter where I go I will always have them. I missed my son last night but I didn't think at all about you because I was happy with my buddies. That's where thing

I  don't know where we stand but I know anything I try to to do I need to be six moves ahead of you because otherwise you'll think you're in control. The secret is, when it comes to me, with one exception, you've never been in control. It occurs to me at this moment we are at the exact sAme place we were at this time last year. With me angry and hurt and cross with you, yet still planning something stupidly huge that I will follow thru with.  I don't know how to fail. I never did. I'm not about to stop now. I know what I want. What I want is you, what I want is my family back. Complete and whole. There's only one answer to that. You know what it is. You set the rules. I just changed the questions. I can deal with the silence and the mindgames, I know you'll always come back. For what it's worth you and I are the only constants left in each other's life.    That was by you're choice and you're design. Love you or hate you, at war, at peace

I am a phantom soldier fighting a long dead war, it ended long ago but the fragile peace and stability I chose to take from what was left of the ashes doesn't feel any better. It wasn't as complicated when all that I had in my black heart was anger and hate for you. It made it easier to move on in this hollow world.  Now I just feel fucking empty.

I am still standing, a decade after I should have fell and been broken. Even in silence and anger I have you're back and I will catch you when you fucking fall every fucking time.  Our biggest fucking problem is that I don't know how to back down, not to you, not to anyone. It's a strength but it makes whatever we are, whatever we were, whatever we are going to be difficult. I will always be here for you, but I will always stand my ground and I will never ever back down. We've fought a war and ended up on the other side and these emotions remain. I walk away constantly but that's a bridge too far for you to cross. I'm you're albatross in life, I'm aware of that. But I still can't come to you, you have to come to me. I am missing some of who I used to be, but some of who I used to be is an illusion and wishful thinking... but some of it was real and even tho we had to struggle, I think we were happier than we are now. I know that I was happier then

I know I'm better than you. I don't play the games you do. What you get from me is black and white, right there on the page. Mixed with a river of blood, but I haven't changed. You did. The worst part is I see my freind get happily married and I realize how easily that could have been us multiple times. But that's you're fucking choice not mine. I don't like the fact that I'm in love with you and some moments make me feel like I failed so hard... and other moments make me feel like it's not me that's too fucking blame. This weekend I had validation, I may be a drunk fuck up. But I am far from the fucking problem. I am tortured by my alcoholic dreams of you, this moment, it's not where we are supposed to be. It's never been. You've always been the only one. I still dream of you every goddamn night, there's no point in denying it now. No reason to.

I don't need anyone but the ones that has alway have my back. It's interesting to see who says they are going to be there at the end and who truly fucking proves it. I know I have issues with alcohol, I don't argue that point it's why I only get completely stupid in moderation. I had a good time and as usual I made memories that will last a fucking lifetime for someone who really matters in my life. And the biggest one wasn't even part of the weekend of drinking but it was definitely worth doing and I am hoping that the one that some days I claim to love above all others, and my son will be able to enjoy that experience soon for his 18th. We will see, I am growing colder and bitter on that front. But I don't need her vindication to have a good life, I never fucking have. I never fucking will. I enjoy my friends and my family and sometimes those lines blur. I'm just not going to be emotionally available anymore that doesn't have my back 100 percent. I kno

I want you and I love you, but at some fucking point it needs to have an ending and I need to step off this emotional rollercoaster. The subway stop it lands on or crashed into is all up to you at the moment however. But one day that may change. You know my preference for self destruction, it's almost as powerful as yours. Yet you are still standing here with and without me. That needs to change. You're reality is you hold the keys and the door to this. I have no fucking illusions that anything I do affects any of that except possibly your decisions. But I know that I control my own path and my own decisions. Always. I can't come over to you, you have to come over to me. You're just not ready yet.  I only move forward, I don't go back. I won't wait and I won't bother with anyone that doesn't want to 100% be in my fucking life, you, others... anyone. I feel bad for the argument we had on my birthday, but you just made things clearer in my mind when we