It’s not supposed to be like this

It’s not supposed to be like this. Theses are you’re choices not mine, you choose to continuously hurt me and push me away. You’re not allowed to keep picking at the scab of the old wound that you self inflicted on the both of us....you will constantly betray me, that’s in you’re nature. Trust me I understand that part.

You’re actions and behaviour make it easier each time to walk away and to keep walking away, you have nothing to ground me to your life anymore. Any further involvement is a choice for the both of us.

The fact that there is a love and hate dynamic between us doesn’t mean that you don’t look in the mirror every morning and hate yourself for how everything turned out more than anything for how things turned out, that is one of the things I know. Even at our worst of hating each other, we always hated ourselves more.

The games you play and person you are sometimes being lately is not someone I have any interest being with, and even less being that person or an extension of that person and behaviour. I’ll just be me instead.

You’re so fucking oblivious to reasons that you anger me, no wonder it crumbled when we were young. You will never change, and I, I refuse to. You need me at my most intense and intimidating because at my core that’s the passionate man that fucking loves you, but he has a temper and a jealous streak a mile long, and when I’m betrayed I will remember it.

You were forgiven, not forgotten. Remember that.

Comments

The Laugh Track.

I want you in my life. Don't ever fucking confuse that for needing you in my life. Those two things are mutually exclusive to each other. I'm fine with my life and it's not my freind's and my social life that I'm jealous of. We both made our choices. My life has always been an insane carnival. You were merely an extended chapter. But if you think I'm going to sit at home being sad and depressed and shutting down because your not in my life. Your delusional. Then agian we already know this. If my life is going to be a sad comedy then I'll make it a metal massacre. I'm not sitting around waiting for anyone. The least of all you. I sacrificed enough time on the altar of what might have been. I'm just enjoying the time that we have left. This way if it go out, it's on my own terms. I always told you that my funeral pyre will be a blaze of glory.. I just never told you when. Now I'm gonna live and have adventures. Remain jealous. You know how ...

The Trees.

I am really bothered by someone hurting my tree. I’m not sure the next step but that’s a living thing. I know that there is no healing when our things are still affected negatively by people. I’m not sure what the next step is but I know this is part and parcel of the entire thing and that we can’t heal when people hurt the things we care about. I don’t have much but I do have a legacy to protect and there is a place where my son needs to feel safe, and I don’t think it will ever be that house agian. But once it was home, there are good memories there. There was love. Part of that is the peace that was our tree. I’m sick of people damaging the things I love. The world needs to be better and less selfish. I need peace in mine and her lives. Even if we are separate in our lives. She needs the peace and quiet I have in my life. Even more than I do. And only one of us has it.

Father and Son.

I dont know the next step. I don't claim to. I just know I'm working to rebuild a relationship that has been fractured for many years. That includes both of you. I am here. I will always be here, I have always been here that will never change This weekend was epic and it felt right. I don't know what will happen but i do know that I am at peace with being civil and polite with your mom. It was nice to have a little adventure as a family. It felt right. It what was missing in our lives. Thank you.

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