I can and will return to the darkest parts of me when even the most trusted of Friends give me reason to doubt them. I have too much in my life to doubt anything in my mind or any of my decisions in life. I followed the rabbit hole to where it led and even it if I ended up in a black hole it’s still better than the pit of Hell I fell into trying to be something I wasn’t. You don’t need me in you’re life, I don’t need you in mine. I have this weird feeling that the next 6 months who will be left standing, and the fact the that it’s the same doubts I have had for the last few years on certain individuals says it all. Just remeber I bailed on a high school freind who I had been with since I was in my teens for insulting my ex girlfriend, you think you can judge me or act like you’re better than me? Please you don’t even know me. You only know the face I choose to show you, the face I choose to show the world. It’s different in every situation and I’m used to losing people in my life, it’s been a pattern in my life since I entered care, I only have one lifelong exemption to that and that’s the blood tie, everyone else I can and will walk away from.
It’s been getting easier the last few years. I can make it a very easy decision now. I know who has my back and who sharpens the knife even a little. Once you lose my trust you’re gone... I might fake the freindship or relationship for a while but eventually you will fucking figure it out, I don’t hide when I don’t care anymore. I can and will walk away if the benefits are there, I don’t care who you are. I never did, I won’t now.
If I can and feel that trust is lost I can and will ghost you, it’s not like I haven’t done it a million times before, it’s in my fucking nature.
In the end I know I will be standing alone, I’ve always known, but I will be standing.
Nothing more than the darkness to call my freind, so I embrace the black side of every part of me. If you look into my eyes you can see the darkness, in my dead eyes the uncaring soul inside, once you are dead to me, you will never exist again, I don’t mind burning bridges, there’s plenty of gasoline.
I am going to very dark places mentally and one day it will be nothing but fucking fire in my vision and I’m just fucking fine with that, maybe you should look at the reality of my former life in Windsor and Chatham and the ashes in the ruins there. I will scorch the earth and leave nothing remaining. I won’t even be a fucking memory. But you will remeber me, and you will fucking fear me, because that’s who I am.
It’s not about anyone in particular but I’m getting sick of my freinds and loved ones that constantly let me down, the ones that cost me money even more so. Don’t pretend like you’re not aware that I have a lot less than you. Some freinds I’ll be loyal to forever. But others I don’t always consider to take my feelings into account... and I will blank you, it doesn’t matter how long we have been freinds.
I am not disposable, not by friends, not by the one I love, not by family... not by anyone. I’m just fed up.
"At first, you'll be afraid. But don't worry. You're just becoming the monster you alwayswere."
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