Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

I'm just sitting around trying to peice together whatever I can of a normal life... I have been dragged down this far, there's not much lower I can go.. constantly making deal with my own personal devils just to survive... but of course there is the whole thing that even as broken as down I still have options... I can survive this... Anger and Hatred is fuel... I can use it to feed my depressions and self doubts.. I know that lies at the end of the tunnel and that's the only goddamn thing that's important. the irony lies in the fact that I can go back to familiar behaviors to survive and go busking in Hess village on the last night of the summer and have a damn good time and I already have money in my pocket... it takes a lot more than you think to destroy me... I refuse to go down. Current Mood: Anger. Current Music: Within Temptation, Middle of the Night... (guess where I am at 3 am?) Hate is ravening vulture beaks descending on a place of skulls.

One thing you may not know about me is that i thrive and survive on adversity, it strengthens me because i know at the end of the day, regardless of the wreckage i will not be broken down and I can survive this... I've survived worse and done it with a smile on my face and never lost the good parts of my soul...they may be hidden and buried deep within but they are me.. my ethics, my soul, all the good things that make me me.. they are their, hidden sometimes, hidden more than most of my emotions i can't shut them off but i can hide them and show a different angrier more anti-social face to the world... but at my core i know who i am, just because i tread the darker side of the coin doesn't mean i am evil, or that I don't know what evil is... espescallay when she's staring me in the face thru closed doors and chess game manipulation of the rest of my life...I'd rather be damned and go to hell than pretend to be someone I'm not... and before I'd do anythi...

I set around every day mindlessly waiting on the next step and wondering exactly when it's going to come... my patience levels are becoming very low.. it's understandable that If i was a lesser man i would not have this much patience and their are days I wonder if the easy solve is just kicking a door in and creating an Incident, that would at least focus the attention on the problem at hand instead of all this professional apathy...i can sit in jail, it's not a problem, i'd never plead guilty because i'm innocent.... but i would sit for as long as I had to like a spinning top, just because I have No fear... I know what the truth is and where I stand... it's sad that the power of fear is so strong within you, you thought it appropriate to eliminate me from his life.. but if you knew anything about me, you would know i go down fighting.. and I will not abandon my loved ones, my goals or my ideals... No matter the fucking cost personally. Current Mood: Angry. ...

Now it's your fucking turn to be broken down and be revealed at your core. I already have.. and I showed that I have nothing to hide. I never did... can you say the same thing? It's time for you to be broken down and examined the game is afoot and there is nothing you can do about it... you trust the system to always protect you and your intrests but for once that won't be happening because it's not about your intrests... it's about the best Intrests of that child... and hopefully once everything is said and done you will be proven, it's interesting how the first person in any of this to visit my home shows up early while i am shaving..talk about being vunerable, but i was honest and i was truthful... i doubt that you will be.. it's time for you to broken down.. it's time for you to be exposed to your very core... I had to.. you're turn... i hope it's fun for you to squirm... Current Mood: Determined. Anger is a killing thing: it kills the m...

Any fucking time i get any forward movement In this battle and in my life, I get the other shoe dropping and finding out It's all for naught... how fucking long do I have to wait to be told That I didn't do this... If you fucking think I did put me in fucking jail already, you and the powers that be have already destroyed my life... I'll be a goddamn spinnign top in jail, there is nothing here for me anymore... at least in jail being inniocent will get me three squares a day and i wouldn't have to fucking worry about rent... But of course... to imprison me, it would mean I would have actually have had to fucking do something....and they haven't i'm innocent and very, very, very fucking angry. I will stand alone, I will stand angry as long as I have to.. because I am in the end the only thing Between you and Him.. and this is all this battle is about... that's all it ever has been about. Current Mood: Angry. The world needs anger. The world often continues...

This is me at my most vulnerable... this weekend I have leave all the ego aside and All of the anger and everything that has driven me and just be me, the person hurting inside and the good father that I am and come out of this as the person I need to be.. i need to show that side... I know that I am not often all that good at often showing that side of my personality but at the current Moment that's no longer a choice I have... I can be angry and vigilant on my own time but when it comes to that little boy it's time to just be the person he needs me to be.. I need to be patient and not lose myself in my anger or in my emotions, but i can't show any weakness either.. I think i'm ready.... Current Mood: Determined. When will you understand that being normal isn't necessarily a virtue? It rather denotes a lack of courage.

It is interesting How I don't let you occupy space in my mind anymore, I didn't even notice the date today until i was doing something else that referenced it.. that's how deeply I hate you, you are a Nonentity in my life, a Nothing, a never was.. I see thru you at the person I am and always will be....You are Part of my past and that's where you'll stay.. Locked in a prison of your own delusions...I don't need to remeber trivial little things like your birthday anymore they are of no consequence to my life.. Court dates yes... but i hope as you continue your death march onto forty that you are satisfied with the ruins of your life and what you've destroyed and what you've accomplished... If for nothing else.. my accomplishments stand on their own they are the one thing you could never destroy.... Just like you can never and will Never Destroy me. Current Mood: Annoyed. The pain of a lifetime—every scrape, illness, and bruise—condensed into a single m...