Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

I am at a point in my life that very soon I am going to have to make some even harder decisions than I have already made, I have good options and I have lousy options at the moment my option that i have chosen is merely a placeholder to see what the next month or two will bring.. I'm no longer standing still without forward momentum but i am still going up a large hill very slowly... it's time to decide.. I know long term Hamilton No longer figures into the plan, I hate it here and it really is just about the reality that the city for me has outlived it's usefulness and created more fucking issues than i ever needed in my life...Windsor is calling me home and I have an option there... truth be told it was the one place that does feel like home.. the place i was happiest... But as much as the core of my being is defined by Windsor... the purest and most important part of my soul is currently in St. Catherines and Unless that changes it will be a very hard choice to decide to...

I am sick of waiting, this next step in my life is about to happen and maybe i can find peace but maybe the shit in my life will continue to be just as confused as ever... Either way I know that I will have stayed strong and endured.. because that's exactly what I do.. I endure... nothing has ever defeated me in the past and Nothing in this reality will ever defeat me... i am not bound by other's skewed versions of reality... i stand.. even if it means standing alone. Current Mood: Determined. It is not light that we need, but fire; it is not the gentle shower, but thunder. We need the storm, the whirlwind, and the earthquake.

Being Angry at the state of my world does not equate to me being fucking violent... my rage has a singularity and single focus.... and I ask If i was truly angry and violent why hasn't that door ever been kicked in? why i have i always played this emotional game of chess rather than using my fists for a quick solution, I have evolved past that.. I am the man I am because of all my experiences and all of my scars... you were once part of that but now you are merely something i look back at and wonder what the fuck I'm doing... I know the sins that I have committed and the ones I have not and being with you was never one of them, but it has become My demon...I wonder where i would be if i wasn't tied to your fucking bullshit reality. but as always this was never about you, you are merely the reflection, My demon showing me in the mirror how you think you can control me...But you can't control me... No one ever has.. I have a very powerful weapon or two.. My mind, and My ...

It's time to reevaulate my life and the people that I hang around, Certian people's little flaws become huge gaping chasms of darkness when you are forced even for a few days to depend on them because you need something... I have a chance for a new start and a new place.. and while it may not last long it will give me options that I do not currently have.... This is a stopgap phase until I make some ultimate decisions... but it will do.. what won't do is certian people in my life, freinds and other's that are dragging me down... I know who I am, I know underneath a dark and angry exterior their's always going to be a good person underneath... Unfourtunatley for some of my freinds I cannot say the same fucking thing. It's time to cut them loose... I can't be absorbed by their darkness's when I'm fighting off my own. Current Mood: Depressed. You block your dream when you allow your fear to grow bigger than your faith.

I am sick of waiting on making the next step.... It does not matter how much I wait and stare into the void, something has to change and soon.. I don't like sitting around and waiting for something in my life to once agian make sense.. I just wait... I have the answers but I really need someone to be asking the questions and that isn't currently happening... It has been almost 2 years, I am not sure how much long he or I can endure this burden and all this pain.. it's not about either one of us it never has been.. it's exactly what it has always been about.. Someone else. Current Mood: Depressed. I hope I can protect the one thing I can’t live without.

While I am currently In a holding pattern and have to wait on the next chess move, I am confident that whatever becomes the next reality of my life that I will be able to endure it... It's probably time for me to move on a deal with the reality of the fact that i may have to scorch my earth and walk away from a lot of things i hold dear for vindication and to clear my name.. but it's not about me... it's never been about me... i have no illusions anymore... I just want to go back to a normal fucking life instead of just waiting on the next step... I'm sick of the fighting, Sick of battles and sick of waiting... I was made strong, but i was made for better things than this... I'm sick of just waiting and waiting... it's not about me... it's about him... and the more i think about it.. i despise the fact that the knife has once again been placed in my back. Current mood: Angry. If I had believed in a God of rewards and punishments, I might have lost courage...

the Move is over and everything is done and in a storage locker and it's time to move on with my life, but i am very sad.. that was supposed to be the forever house and where i would stay and watch him grow up... of course other people's plans have interfered with that and why it isn't fair I do understand I just wish it could have happened diffrently... i guess this is a good thing tho.. good memories there but also the hell of the past two years in terms of everything that has happened, i've lost my job, lost my son and now lost the only place I have called home in many, many years... I am sad but it's a process now I just have to move on.... at least i have something stable for the next duration of my life... Current Mood: Sad. Home is a shelter from storms - all sorts of storms.