Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

Another day, Another battle.. the same fucking One. this is what My life has came to.. my entire life is fucking poison to everyone around me.. maybe i should stop having hopes and dreams of returning to what for me passes for a normal life... and just go live like a fucking hermit... or better yet.. I've had the abyss staring into me for so long it's still staring back.. just fade away.... I'm Done with the burning Out, Sick of fighting and always losing, yet every fucking time that I do, I always get back up stronger and Continue fighting, the fire, the phoniex, But somehow everytime i get back up from being knocked down just a little stronger I end up feeling weaker and even more sicker of fighting, but i will not let anyone else be affected because of me and my life.. i will choose to walk away, that is the story of my life... Wherever I may roam, it's better not to make attachments and fight my battles alone... it's something that I have had to do my entire lif...

I have nothing to fear any more from these people but the safety and security of people I care about, they have destroyed my life, i have lived as a nomad most of my life raising stakes and moving on has never been an issue for me... the fact is that one of the people here took a risk and took me in when no one else would and even members of my own family were not helping because of the internal family politics and my adversarial personality.. I will fight for my friends and family regardless.. and right now the lines are very fucking blurred... these fucking cocksuckers took my little boy away from me and destroyed my life and my true core family of two, i will not let them do it to anyone else i care about, i will fight them with all my knowledge, education and power. I am fucking scared right now, but i am pretty sure legally they are just as scared of me... at least this time they fucking came to my front door instead of the slow knife to the back, No escape, No surrender... With m...

I am very impressed by my experiences with everyone that helped today, it was fucking awesome and the people I have in my life for the most part i am grateful to have as helpers and it was very cool to Do the things I did and have everyone helping today, a Minor thing was missing and I really hope that in the future I get the chance to experience things like this with him... because goddamn it was fucking cool.. and it's something taken away just a little bit...but he would have enjoyed himself, I was impressed by how well it came together and i cannot wait for the next big show...All told today and yesterday had to be one the most fucking fun things I have done in a long fucking while... and to be honest... this is all due to my son, i would not be where i am right now in my life if i hadn't have made some hard choices last year.. but it worked out for the best... and it will continue to be... things like today dull the pain but he is not forgotten, and I wanted him there with...

Today was awesome and much better than expected, i had some pretty neat experiences and I have some serious sales and managed to keep my life going exactly where I want it.. sometimes people you count on aren't around, which shouldn't surprise me because there has been a pattern to that, but sometimes you find better friends as a result, and it's not that i am angry it's just that I'm frustrated by people not keeping their word... I kept mine and he had an awesome time and hopefully next year someone that i am even closer to will get to experience that experience, it fucking sucks that i am not allowed currently to share these types of experiences with him, but next year.. hopefully that will change till then time to focus and keep remembering who i am, what i am capable of, and who exactly I can be. Current Mood: Happy Keep your dreams alive. Understand to achieve anything requires faith and belief in yourself, vision, hard work, determination, and dedication. ...

Things were not as frustrating as I expected and good planning saw to that, tommorow and sunday should be decent but planning and being ready played a large part in what could have been an absolute clusterfuck... make no mistake tommorow is my show and my show alone... and i am very grateful for the help but it is on me whether or not this weekend is a success so i am very much hoping that i have an awesome weekend and move a lot of things and move everything i can... i am very happy to be where i am and have the sister that i do that does go out of her way to help... freinds... take em or leave em but i had a blast tonight and will continue to do all weekend. Current Mood: Focused. What we see depends mainly on what we look for.

I am fucking frustrated, today is not coming together the way I planned and last minute decisions by more than one person makes me wonder why the hell I try and haven't packed up and said fuck everything and gone back to Windsor...or elsewhere. I am sick of fighting to keep food on my table and in my stomach when almost everything i have has been taken away from em and the one good thing that hasn't always becomes an issue and an battle.. fuck it... next time i have a big show I'll do things solo and without asking for help. i don't like supposed fucking friends that are supposed to show up and then bail at the last minute...when they are the ones that want to go more than I do... I don't like having a ton of stuff in my basement packed up and prepared for something only to get told well maybe they're will be enough room...I have had to plan this out for weeks... this is not some little bullshit show.. this is THE show.. it's very frustrating to have things ...

I am sick of fighting battles, and I am sick of doing the right fucking thing and having it blow up in my fucking face. i might as well move back to Windsor and forgot that i ever had a fucking life outside of fucking drinking alcohol and partying with my friends and busking... because it almost fucking seems like that is all i fucking have left. My life is a shitstorm and it's not fucking fair. I am losing my fucking mind again over something that i have been trained to do... what the fucking hell.... maybe i need to seriously consider walking away and letting her win, if not i'll just end up homeless and fucking destitute the longer I stay in Hamilton... i'd rather be poor and drunk in Windsor than homeless and creating chaos in other peoples lives here. I am sick of fighting this never ending battle and never fucking getting ahead.... I am finally getting ahead in my own battle and then this kind of fucking shit happens... it's never going to stop, these people want ...