Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

Are you seriously fucking kidding me? you want to move to vancouver or victoria with my son and have yours truly tag along because You're fed up with your crappy life here, I hate my life and my job but I'm strong and stubborn to enough to wait for things to get better, you agian acting like a spoiled child, you're probaly single agian and feeling old and realizing there are only two people in this world that will ever love you unconditionally regradless of your bullshit, ones a product of whatever we had and the other is his father. i think you're feeling me out to see if i'm willing to party like it's 2001 agian, here's the thing, I don't know If i love you in a way to sacrfifice everything I am agian, and there's not really any reason for me to change my life, things worked out alright in the end for me and i have some measure of peace here, of course I'd be happier in Windsor but it's because of the two of you but mostly Him i returned to

No more drinking with asshole freinds who owe me money and get stupid when loaded and want to fight everyone and everything, I need to find better coping mechanisms than staring down a bottle every time i have a night off and No little man, at least if i'm going to enjoy myself maybe i should go to a bar where no one knows me and I can relax with my thoughts rather than dealing with assholes who call themselves freinds but are really only there to take advantage of hospitality, No longer do i want to use my hard earned money to entertian these people who would never be there for me if I needed them < i really hate hamilton and am questioning why I remain here, at least in other cities I have good freinds that i have known for years and are loyal to me, what's here? memories? one good freind that i hardly see enoughof because we both have kids? there's not much compelling me to stay in hamilton, it's just a black hole and I don't see a future here... or anywhere.

When one looks back at the fact that he has spent way to much of his life insituionlized and now works for the same organization in a matter that makes it more his home and life than his actual life it's strange and yet not the easiest to understand why one would have the same feeling he had at 15 about wanting Out, Only diffrence is I am the master and commander and controller of my destiny and I am sick of being told what to do, yes I want to make change, Yes I'm not going anywhere in a hurry in terms of the job but there are many many things with my organziation and with the world in general and I should really focus my efforts so that I can deal with these things and not be so deperessed, it's not me that's affecting thse kids and their complete life in total that is anarchy i'm just there as the goddamn gatekeeper it's not like I'm going affect there lives in any way... when it becomes my time to move on I will. I am very sad to have seen this just beco

it's one of those days where I really miss something in my life i am not ready to return to but it's one of those things where I should think about putting pen to paper and laying myself bare, of course instead i'll probaly go indulge in my alcoholism instead and try and erase a memory that never should have been there, I wasn't meant to be there and If i was she was too fucked up for me to understand.. i am a replacement for something else I don't know how to feel, It's seems like my only lasting success in this world is my son and that's a product of both of us. Current Mood: Nostalgic, But i shouldn't be. What we have once enjoyed we can never lose; All that we love deeply, becomes a part of us.

Sometimes I truly despise myself for having learning disabilities and Having a stubborn will, this paper is affecting me with my sleep patterns and how I feel after coming home from work, I'm trying to better myself but Keep getting frustrated over the fact that I don't understand the simplest concepts of theatre, I should have taken something I understood rather than try and fail something i still can't grasp the concept of, It's really frustrating when I know I can do this but I can't unlock the secret in my mind of how exactly to do so. Current Mood: Frustrated. Learning disabilities cannot be cured, but they can be treated successfully and children with LD can go on to live happy, successful lives.

This course is kicking my ass and I'm trying to understand the concepts involved. An actor is something I'll never be, at least maybe tommorow I can take the time and figure out exactly where I'm going with this paper and possibly be able to turn this big ball of fuzz in my head into something productive but working on it tonight is just a waste, I don't have the energy I once did for assignments with everything else going on in my life, I wish things and times were simpler and I could spend an entire night on the net focusing on this but i don't have that kind of time anymore. at least I can spend tonight studying the notes at work. Current Mood: Frustrated, Determined. The same people who never did their homework in high school are still doing that to this very day out in the real world.

I am at a real crossroads at the job and my status as the full time night guy, It is getting clear to me that I am only on the night shift so that someone relibale and long term is on that shift, because let's face it, I'm not going anywhere in a fucking hurry.. It's pretty evident i am carrying the buttload of the workload when certian people are letting the kids do things that are obvuisly counter productive to behavior, I.E. restricted movies to children with fragile Pyches, and then blaming the staff that called them on it when one of the kids has a breakdown over watching the movie, other little things re bothering me there too... it's pretty sad that the Boss is on vacation and the supervisior is leaving which leaves me as the defacto go to guy, and I don't even give a shit...decisions are being made with no accountabilty because I'll come in on the night shift and clean everything up for the next morning. I don't feel supported at the job at all and

Nothing like trying to do homework for the university course i'm taking and having an antiquated peice of junk that i can't even download a fucking lesson plan on.. I'm frustrated and it's not just the course.. behaviors at work keep getting worse and worse and there is no direction, if the kids don't have fucking rules how are we expected to enforce anything, one of these days i gotta figure something out and move on, at least at this house i have supportive staff that are capable of seeing things with clear eyes instead of being so indoctrinated to the bullshit that they are just holding on like me because it's a job, it's time to let the year finish out and have new goals for next year.... speaking of goals, i at least dealt with the big issues swimming around in my head and we will work on things and i don't think that it's as big an issue as it once was.... we spoke, we will watch for behaviors but hopefully she understands my concerns. Current

I don't know how long it took me to finally be fed up with this fucking job and the lack of everything at it, but this morning was one of the fucking worst days yet.. it's pretty sad when i feel that my co-worker's backbite and backstab but when i get a clinet doing the same thing and trying to get rid of me by using office politics and office innuendos to attack me when i'm trying to get him ready for the day.. it's tiring.. i can almost pimpoint the day I lost my passion for this job....I went away to see my freinds and came back recharged and ready to deal with the bullshit and found myself laid off... right now i'm Wishin i had stayed unemployed, i don't feel supported at all, i don't feel I'm making any kind of positive diffrence in these kids lives and I don't feel the situation is going to improve itself. Current Mood: Angry. Every time you get angry, you poison your own system

Sometimes i need to stop listening to the voices and fears in my head and deal with only what i can deal with in the moment.. of course having some back up behind when and if I have to deal with something is always handy and I have a good support circle that includes several professionals that care about us to draw from... It's nice to finally see some support at work too.. even when the kids are being the shits it's good to at least know that I'm doing my job right and trying to get them to do their expectations and having the strong support from my employers, i don't see that nearly enough from them. This has been a trying week due to my own fears and insecurities and the fact that someone is not responding to messages doesn't fucking help, i'm tryin to keep things between me and her but if she continues to ignore my messages i'm going to have to fucking develop this into an argument, but that's ok i hold a trump card... She's expecting child suppo

There comes a time when you simply stop caring and it becomes about the paycheck, I Don't need to be calling in the middle of my sleep cycle and bitched about and harrassed about things that are not in my job description and are more likely based on behaviors i am not responsible for. i leave when the kids leave i shouldn't be bitched at for forgetting to make sure the poor wittle babies didn't flush the toilet... I mean do you want me to go in their and shake it for them? I'm not gonna fucking hold their hand.. I have bigger concerns right now and if 14 and 16 year olds can't do basic behaviors like flushing and cleaning up after themselves what the fuck amI supposed to do about it? Gotta love how it's my reponsibilty tho.. agian no accountabilty here... I'm not sleeping days or night because i'm wondering what the fuck is going on with my son and meanwhile at my job I'm being treated like an indentured servant... yeah we know the last time I felt l

I hope I am just being paranoid but I am seeing signs of something not quite right at home, Destroying toys by pulling off their limbs and hiding them under the covers in the bottom of the bed concerns me greatly... I swear If I find out he is being abused I will fucking lose it. What is the point of being who i am if the other half who i chose to spend my life with only to have her slice my heart out thru my back let's this happen? Go figure, the cycle continues even if I cannot be there to prevent it.. fuck you'd have figured seeing how she knows i was Abused that she would be vigilant about it, but of course not she's too self involved.. we are merely possesions, But If my suspecions are true and It's not all just my fucking head I will annhailate her. I don't like suspicious bruises either. this shit shoudl not be happeneing in my own fucking home... It's time to take the rose coloured glasses off and look around, because something just isn't right... Th

SO anyways, the cursed dark of half of my DNA has apperantly been passed onto my son, I am not happy but I am not going to let the same mistakes made during my upbringing happen to him as long as he has two supportive and involved parents he can handle whatever the diagnosis ends up being, the doctor/school is saying one thing, I supported by a family member think it's something else, esp. when the symptoms of the something else are similar to symptons i had a as a kid and symptoms i still exhibit today... I'm very frustrated that it comes down to nature because no matter what you do to nurture them you just can't get rid of bad DNA. Current Mood: Depressed. The central struggle of parenthood is to let our hopes for our children outweigh our fears.

There is no way i could have continued to work both jobs with having to fully awake at 5 am after maybe if i'm lucky being able to sleep around 2 or 3 am... a short nap plus a daytime sleep isn't enough between the two jobs i'd be looking at 7 hours in total including naps... i don't mind my job but i'm glad i can go back to sleeping days because it's ridiculous to get up at 5 am to wake someone else at 6 that screws around for two hours and is always late.. i don't have the pateince for that kinda nonsense, but of course, absolutley no supprt from anyone because it's not his fault if he's late, it's mine. whatever. weekend off, little boy is visiting time to sleep in... Yeah I know, fat chance. Current Mood: Happy!!! Most people do not consider dawn to be an attractive experience - unless they are still up.

Can't say I am happy at the way things turned out at the kiwanis program but I can't say I care either, obviously someone needed to be a sacrfical lamb and if it's going to keep the program there i'd rather quit then have them force me out because of stupidity and politics, spoke to my boss there about my concerns and the lack of respect for the program and I made a decision with him because i don't see the point of being somewhere I'm not wanted and it is affecting my health, my real full time job that i should be giving 100% to esp. when it's pissing me off and my life, the fact i was sacrificing friday nights with my son agian to work ten extra hours a week made the decision easy... he comes first.. before my carreer, before my goals, before Money before anything.... Helps i just got one of his major Xmas gifts he has asked for and a few bucks in my pocket by going to the local video game store and trading in old games we don't use for new hardware...

..And people are starting to wonder why I don't give a shit about my job anymore, I mean why should I when I am trying to get someone to do the expected routine and he is refusing and then you come in and cut my fucking balls off, no that's all right little boy please go to school late, we won't give you a consquence for being late. No wonder these kids don't fucking respect us. Management allows them to walk all over us even in the new house. And then to hear if this little thing isn't done in terms of cleaning there may not be hours for me anymore? I mean i understand to clean the place but i think the fucking dishes and the garbage baskets can wait till they go to school don't you think? I've already been laid off for no reason once this year.. you wanna take away my ours and/or fire me for not cleaning up because i'm too busy preparing breakfast and lunches for someone who's slacking off and is not taking responibility for himself? I mean who wil

I have spent the entire weekend being angry and depressed over the fact that i am working a two jobs and neither one of them is bringing happiness due to the fact that one is warehousing kids and not allowing for enough freedoom, when you have someone so concerened about the bottom line that you in effect rationing food to the kids and making staff feel responsible for said rationing, that's disgusting, I know the nutrutional food guide, i will give them good servings not what my employer says to do to save a buck... I'm not in this job to make money and when you are paying someone minimum wage you really shouldn't be expecting them to ration food and supplies to kids who are getting the worst possible kind of care. Of course this is why I don't think I'm going to see year 3 in hamilton or at that organization. It also doesn't help when politics are being played to force us out of my other employment that up until the middle of last week was aside from my son th

Todays was a fun day we went outside and played soccer because the weather was really nice.. it's nice to be able to do things without worrying about other peoples nonsense and bs. I am getting back to aplace of happiness and have to let the small stuff not affect me as much as it has. I know that i am making a diffrence in other kids lives and while it may not be the main job in which i am simply a placeholder until something/someone better comes along At least I am Getting something out of the afterschool program as much as i am giving to it. Current Mood: Happy. The rules of soccer are very simple, basically it is this: if it moves, kick it. If it doesn’t move, kick it until it does.

Public school shouldn't be a place for politics> i think i can understand now why the ex has so many problems with the people she works with and why she is so miserable, it is very clear to me that certian students, I.E. the kids not from lower class and broken homes that can afford to pay for programming get priority, and no one really cares about the others as long as they are kept quiet and out of peoples hair... there are some really deserving kids in my group but because of the actions of the others rightly or wrongly the are all painted with the same brush and my being chewed out by a prinicple is just bullshit when i haven't done anything wrong except speak to someone he asked me to speak to... of course i am now aware she's a shit disturber and i will no longer speak to her.. if she has an issue or the other person playing politics in the program that's paid for they can go to the principal because i am no longer enganging them in conversation so that my word

nothing like happy little man spending the weekend with the doggies, his cousin, his aunt and his grandparents, little bit of bad behavior when out for dinner but otherwise he has been really good all weekend and so don't want to take him home today... I want to stay forever and ever and have it just be me and him. Current Mood: Happy. If you haven't time to respond to a tug at your pants leg, your schedule is too crowded.

We are having a nice weekend and just hanging out with my sister and their dogs and he's stiitng around playing his nintendogs, you know it's funny how one can have actually have an intellegent discourse with someone and forget all the reasons they were mad at said person? of course there's always the fact that being civil is always the best policy... and the fact that he's being really the most awesomest kid he can be just haning out with doggies and playing and is so happy.. sometimes it makes you forget the rough edges... it's all about his happiness and as long as i am serving that need nothing else matters. Current Mood: Happy. While we try to teach our children all about life, Our children teach us what life is all about.

I don't need your bullshit anymore esp. on a day when when i am having problems being supported by my management team at work and i am giving a full 1/3 of my income for the last two weeks... you are even insulting when i attempt to discipline my son, when he starts putting his hands around you're neck and squeezing don't come crying to me... it's amazing we were ever together.. the only thing that makes sense is that he's the best parts of both of us.. but mostly me.. change your behaviors and grow up or soon someday he will and then he will pass you buy... i'm not part of your system of control anymore.. i may work a lot but that's to ptovide and make sure he has everything he'll need. whats your excuse for being the person you are? Current Mood: Annoyed.