Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

Another day, another farce, it's very clear to me we are whitewashing the issues and that it's more about covering our asses than accountability, the staff meeting left a bad taste in my mouth, when the new hire can see the problems even before his first observation shift and the game plan is as it always is, let's deal with the problems after they happen, it degrades us and makes all of us a joke, we've already lost one or two staff due to managements bullshit is it really evident that the problem is management and not the clients, not impressed that an angry client has continual access to weapons? we should be doing things to protect both the other clients and staff, but of course it's going to end up being too little to late, but then again, we can't lock these kids down to the point where they enjoy no freedoms, if we can't find a happy balance for clients maybe we need to reevaluate whats greater, the need of the client to be there or the need to make m

Its disturbing to be lied to by my boss about what he thinks e can and cant do with employment law, but its downright illegal when my boss starts talking about what he can and cant do in terms of legally enforcing things on children, you cant keep an ever present attitude of charging someone for something they did a month ago as a behavior deterrent, one its bullshit and two its not quite ethical or legal, of course given the fact that i constantly get shit on as house maid, and an answer today about the cleaning problem is that the other staff dont know what they are expected to do probaly applies to everything, my boss doesnt care, and to be quite honest due to his apathy i am starting to not care either, but i am on the other side of the spectrum, i dont give a shit as a result of his behaviors not the clients... Current Mood: Frustrated. This isn't a hospital! It's an insane asylum! And it's your fault!

Thank god i have my family and freinds to vent on and to listen to me when the world, my job and my ex are making me feel like the world is coming down on me, i don't believe in much but I do believe in them. it's very nice to know that when i am upset or pissed off i can find someone to listen to me out there or to read this blog and ask how I am doing, esp. when i get frustrating crap like having to go into work early because a client is being a crybaby about a bruise and wants to go to the hospital but after two hours of sitting at said hospital wants to come home, so guess who doesn't get to do much but wait up all night?it's nice to not feel like I'm not the only person in this world that's got issues you know. I am so thankful for my small social cirle and i wouldn't trade them, esp. the ones i am closest too for anything in this world. Current Mood: Tired. If being sane is thinking there's something wrong with being different....I'd rather be

Fucking amazing how you can be a total cunt on sunday and bitch and complain about child support on sunday and how you have bills and meanwhile i am giving you a full 1/3 of my paycheque this week and you can't be bothered to stay on the phone to give me the information, i don't expect you call tonight and i don't exp[ect the information in a hurry because it's not convenient for you, you Expect me to be at your disposal when you need something, yet when I am trying to do the right thing and drop money off to cuz let's see i'm near your bank, that would require intelligence, of course seeing how you have all but cut me out of my sons life except at assigned times i'm going to start rebelling, maybe i'll start making an appearance in st. Catherines once a week to take my son out, maybe i'll start being way more involved in his schooling (speaking of which wheres that report card?)as my court order allows me to do, maybe i'll discuss exactly what i

You know its very frustating to be constantly told to deal with issues that should never have arisen in the first place but because of lax policies and procedures they are still continuing to happen, but then agian lets threaten my job if im not the cookie cutter clone who is going to take it on myself to create issues at night and then spend the night dealing with them, NO I'm not going to let the kids smoke at night, nor should they be smoking at any time.. they shouldnt be smoking period, however i should not become the bad guy for refusing to give them cigarettes, even with one hand your saying let them smoke and on the other hand telling me i should be discouraging the habit and making sure they dont ask me for smokes, Newsflash asshole... I dont have enough money to buy myself cigs much less give these kids cigarettes, you need to look elsewhere for whoevers facilitating there nicotine habit because it's not me, there's nothing like turning into an asshole strict staf

nothing like waking up this morning to a great big pile of white crap, its supposed to be spring not this white crap outside, its doing wonderful things for my mood, not entirely sure what the next step is but i can tell when i'm being ignored, of course there's the whole point of me not giving a damn so it all works out in the end time to analyze some options and decide what is best for me, i guess I'll stick to a holding pattern till the return of some nicer weather tho. Current Mood: Tired At the core of all anger is a need that is not being fulfilled.

My boss is making a very difficult decision slighty easier by constantly treating me like shit at the end of a graveyard shift and yelling at me and bitching about things that arent my responsibility but instead the day staff responsibility, but of course anyone taking responsibilty at the organization would be a minor miracle... its all about money and nothing about the clients, i am curently unhappy but after this weekend its pretty clear i have some real options and when even people at work are encouraging me to follow them because i appear more happy when ive spent a weekend away or had my freinds and family around me for the weekend, its time for some tough choices, of course another fact i am becoming glaringly aware of of is that the day i leave the organization i will be sending a letter to the childrens advocate and that this is something that current management fears, it would probaly cost them too much money to lay me off and or fire me. should be interesting to see what h

Its interesting how one can go thru so many trials and tribulations in life and be so miserable in most of the the things that he has achieved but something made and meant in childhood comes backs 20 years on and instead of haunting him its the best thing that happens to him in his life, i dont know how long this feeling is going to last or how longs things will be exactly as the are, but for the moment im content, things may change things may improve but right now this is a little something that brings me happiness once in a while and there aint nothing wrong with it... whatever the hell it is... this is why i left Hamilton, this is why i am educated, this is why i can go anywhere i want within reason in Ontario, because i have options and choices, sometimes things require pateince and sometimes things are just what they are, but i feel the right person got my poetry books because she knows the inner workings of my soul both the light and dark places, and it was time for me to let ev

Sometimes its interesting where life takes you, its funny where you end up and where your comfortability zone becomes, it was a great weekend and i cant belive how happy i am right now, its so great when i have my little extended family here and the rest of the world is a complete other reality, it shows me how things could be, and might be one day, so happy with the way the world is right now and there is nothing that could bring me down, its awesome, i really feel i am coming full circle with my life and where i am going with it, as i said to her today, i love my carreer but my job sucks and maybe its time to persue kitchner wareloo seeing how its just as close to my son as this city is and theres an option to share a house there, its a possibilty, i may be comfortable here and i love being exactly where i am in terms of the neighboorhood i have and what it offers, this city is unhealthy for me, as is my job.. but when we are around those two magical girls i feel a lot more positive

Today was awesome!!!! kids had a great time and all we really did was hang around jackson square, you dont need to go and do a bunch of things running around town if you plan meals and activites for two little people, disney was awesome and they both sat thru it, and rango was cool kinda cool to see him hanging out with someone he could be a role model for.. kinda like a big brother... im going to miss everyone in my little family when they all go home and im alone agian, maybe one day that will not be the case. current Mood: Tired You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.

I am so looking forward to today and my little man is excited about everything about today, he keeps telling me he has company coming, and is going to see some of his Disney heroes with his little freind, which is really cool, its nice that he has a peer he really cares about, esp. given the fact that she is the daughter of my oldest freind, today is going to be awesome. Current Mood: Happy. The world is as many times new as there are children in our lives.

Quitting my job, just havent decided on the right day, feels like im just treading fucking water with the house, nothing like being blasted for minor details in the house cleanup when ive been the glue thats been holding the place together all fucking week because the boss was on fucking vacation, but of course that doesnt matter, im gonna get blasted for others mistakes and the fact that the bathroom was messy, did i mention i dont use the upstairs head... and a fucking razor was left in said bathroom, don't i feel safe working an overnight shift... of course i set myself up for failure when i give these kids anything they take a mile... screaming at 3 am, it was interesting to see my boss talking about routine and rules at this late stage of anarchy, I know you are attempting to change things but it's a case of too little too late at this point, these kids are used to walking all over staff... and its an environment you created. Current Mood: Frustrated. It is no measure of

Not sure who i am more pissed off at right now, my boss or my ex, both are two faced liars who delight in manipulation, nothing like finding out i was removed from she who shall not be named freinds list when i notice a message from her on facebook, i never wanted her having any insight into my personal life anyways it was just fucking convenient to have her on their to communicate about my son, of course the new boyfreind takes proiorty and he got jealous...see if i care..... i have bigger issues to do deal with, like the lack of care and consitenty at work with no routine and no rules, its like the village of the damned, nothing like the whole household being woken up at 3 am by a kid acting like a screaming banshee just to be an asshole, but theres no effective way to deal with it, except stop giving a shit, i wish it was that easy for me but it isnt. whatever, time to do one more shift and then enjoy my weekend with the kidlets and my very best freind... and other freinds like jack

Somehow i dont think ill be ever bringing in personal items into work to let my clients use seeing how thankfully i have a warranty from Nintendo to fix my son new dsi gameboy, but its a fucking piss off to have to send the damn thing in, i shouldn't have to worry about my sons things being damaged, and from now i wont because i am not lending anything to these kids, its the level of accountability at the house that makes these kids think they can get away with murder, oops accidently broke or tinkered with nicks dis, no big deal he makes big money, he can afford another one....fuck that noise, from now on, i come in... i do my job, and i don't try and make these kids lives easier, or mine.. if they are going to be breaking my shit then my shit will not be available for them to use, its about respect. Current Mood: Angry. The object in life is not to be on the side of the majority, but to escape finding oneself in the ranks of the insane.

I'm not sure what I'm doing at this job anymore, theres the reality that know one cares as long things continue to be status quo and when someone thinks that we should actually be doing something for these kids for the week they have off from school the prevailing attitude is I'm on vacation, let them sleep in.. oh and the institional barriers such as alarms on every door and motion detectors are a nice touch and makes it feel so much more like home. i guess when it all comes down to it, i need to get away from this city, away from a job that has long grown stagnant, away from false freinds who are only their when they need you... and away from memories i no longer need... somehow you'd think I'd be comfortable here, but i'd rather be in windsor or even Niagara, i was happier there, even tho i have an easy life and an easy job here, the fact is i have no life, and no free time anymore....and for the money i'm making i could find minimum wage anywhere, when I

One of these days the women in my fucking life are gonna need to decide exactly what they want to do with their life, its funny to be talking about the good old days with my ex wife and how i was gonna buy the ring and six years ago we were planning on being married, 7 years ago we were trying to have a child... now she comes to me for advice about selling her house and wants me to be part of the decision and listens to me for my advice as a parent as it relates to our boy, it was nice to establish aq common ground that she doesnt plan on having any more children and given that ill be 35 this year and there is only one real candidate should i choose to have another kid it doesnt really seem like a likelyhood, i got the distinct feeling last night that my ex was digging for answers to see if i was willing to come back into her life full time instead of being a partial observer, but the thing is now i have the leverage in my life, im happy where i am, my son is happy with the way things

You know its nice to have backup, but sometimes its too little and too late, rather than dealing with a problem in its begining stages we wait until it escaltes and becomes problematic, im all for sparing the rod and spoiling the child but i shouldnt have a child throwing a pair of fucking scissiors at me before action is taking because someone is acting out because he doesnt want to go to school and or live at our organization anymore, its getting to be so frustrating working there because the only time it seems i am taken seriously is when I deeal with crisis situations that are piggybacked onto my shift because other staff do not deal with the issues and expect others to pick up the peices, also the whole punishment terminolgy really bothers me we are not a young offenders home or a fucking jail, there is no reason for us to be using such terminolgy, its an outdated term and an outdated mentality but it does give me a clear picture of the mentality of some of the other staff and ho

Six Hundred and seventy dollars, barely enough to pay my rent, i have to ask myself why i am working for barely minimum wage full time when its is clearly driving me to the point of poverty, yes I'm not in this career for the money but when it seems i am being undercut at work, there is no structure or agreed upon policy with these kids and we allow the inmates to run the asylum and dictate their behaviors to us what is the point of the organization, oh yeah, so the management can turn a profit, these are children's lives that they are playing with and to a lesser extent their front line staff's psychical and mental health, i can understand with all the unprofessionalism and nepotism that is rampant with the organization why a certain coworker left without notice as after this morning i am considering doing the same thing, i Have no Job security and no loyalty to this organization anymore, i am simply going threw the motions until something better comes along.. there's

Someone has to stop living in a fairytale, you cant just move our son to another school every year because you are having problems with the educators, its not like your repected by the fucking board anyways, youre delusional, its just like our relationship where you altered realities to suit yourself now you are doing the same thing to our son, no wonder he retreats into his little mario fantasies, of course hes probaly in front of that fucking wii 24 7 because its an easy babysitter for you... my son has all his toys here as well but its not like i let him get obsessive about one particular thing, hes got enough diffrent things that he doesnt end up focusing on one thing, for example bulldogs this weekend, hot wheel transformers etc... by yesterday he had forgotten that he wasnt allowed video games this weekend, which seems to only be a Mommy consequence when at my house... dont think im stupid, of course im the one who lives in the real world and not an imaginary fairy fucking tale.

Its pretty fucking obvious how much you avoid the intrusion of me into my childs life, I was always the darker side of the coin, and you could never have tamed me, maybe the fact that your delusions are the only things keeping you sane is the reason you have to keep me at a lot more than arms length, but you keep playing thse games with our childs mind and one day he is going to reject you outright, having him ask today if I would move back to Niagara and deal with his bully and move back in with mommy almost made me cry, i wonder what exactly it is about me that makes you hate me so.. and what you tell tell my wonderful innocent little man about me that has him asking those kind of questions. we arent so diffrent from each other you know, the diffrence between me and you is that I embrace the fact of who I am and what im capable of. Current Mood: Sad Most American children suffer too much mother and too little father.

Kinda cool just sitting around on a sunday morning watching my little man have advedntures with his gijoes and his super hero squad people, im glad that he doesnt need much in this life but the things that he already has,its nice to just watch him grow up i just he doesnt do so too fast, im gonna miss him when he goes home today, but its awesome to have him when hes around, even tho we did break my toaster making breakfast, Current Mood: Happy. The guys who fear becoming fathers don't understand that fathering is not something perfect men do, but something that perfects the man. The end product of child raising is not the child but the parent.

Gotta love taking my son to a hockey game and him being upset about the outcome of the game because the bulldogs didnt win agianst the marlies, its funny but he was seriously upset because he really likes the bulldogs logo, he had a great time and its nice to do little things like that with him because these are the memories hes going to have when he grows up, just like my mom and dad sending me to see monster trucks and stuff , these are the things that my little man will remeber, and esp. look fondly on. Current Mood: Happy. While we try to teach our children all about life, our children teach us what life is all about.

Nothing like sitting around all morning and just chilling out with my kid and watching cartoons, thereès not much more of a joy in life than to have him chilling out and being himself, i really hope he doesnt ever grow up too fast because he is such a wonderful little spirit.... kinda like me, theres a spark in his eyes that should never have to go out, regardless of anything he is the only reason i have for being here and working at the job i hate, because it means we get to do things like Hockey games,Football, wrestling, disney on ice etc.. and it means i can afford to give him things in life that i never had... if you ever wondered why i buy major electronics for him for the holidays like kinect and his dsi its because i have to budget months in advance for his birthday... but most of the time the rest of the year hes satisfied with a 2 dollar hot wheel over the choice of getting a 10 to 15 dollar transformer.... tell me how many kids in this materialist day and age and are like t

You know i could have a really angry and dour day because of my morning wasnt the most positive and is indicative of why i need to move on from this job, because it seems like im living in a mirror universe as compared to the other house but you know what, my work week is done, and for 2 bucks i got something that makes my son happy, little transformers hot wheels impress the hell out of him, ill have to get Dizzys daughter some as well, i find iit so much easier to stay positive when i am around my little person and am so looking forward to disney in two weeks, tommorow should be interesting too as we are going to our first hockey game together, and its the farm team of the Toronto make me laughs... at least right now, its all about time with him and other people that make me feel whole.... the rest of the world, including work.. for the most part.. can go fuck themselves. Current Mood:Happy. Once you realize what a joke everything is, being the Comedian is the only thing that makes s

While i still dont think i will be here long enough to make a year 4 posting, i do think that just like when i was a child i will be around longer than most of the staff and i will see plenty of people come and go before i am done, its nice to see that some days not all the negativity and negative energy that surrounds this place and these kids seems to dissipate and they can have normality, even if its just for breakfast, it was also nice to see one of my other clients yesterday and to see how much hes grow up and how mature he has gotten, maybe i am making a small difference, even if its just a little one... thats all i set out to do. Current Mood: Tired. Current Music: In the Shadow of the Valley of Death, Marilyn Manson Is that what happens to us? A life of conflict with no time for friends so that when it's done, only our enemies leave roses?

Nothing like seeing the magic of my employer fucking over any type of control or authority over my clients by making sure that the consequences that these kids get are enforced.. for those that dont know me that was fucking sarcasm, i love being approached by not one but two clients in the community, nice to see the rules are different for different staff and employers, there is a real indication why i need to get the fuck out of the madhouse before i drive myself insane....i can see why things are they way they are, just fire me already or lay me off, im sick of Care for cash, that's not the things i believe in, and its burning me out. No wonder im reaching for the darker parts of my personality for comfort and an explanation for what the fuck is going on. Current Mood: Bones Smash. One by one, they'll hear my call. Then this wicked town, will follow my fall.

If today is any indication of my future with my current employer then i don't have one, nothing like doing training that wasn't required and was unpaid after doing a fucking midnight shift, my NVCI was still current this was just an exercise in laziness just to make sure that it was done so it doesn't have to be done until next march, which if any indication of the way i'm feeling today, exactly 2 years less a day since i started for this mickey mouse organization is any indication I won't be anywhere around in a year... you know people go to prison in the provincial system for 2 yearsd less a day, this place feels like a prison to and i'm crawling to get out, when my coworkers are noticing that i'm less than happy and that it does seem like managment is trying to push me out and other staff are quitting over ethical and proffesional issues with this particular house, why am i hanging on and watching my career get pissed down the toilet, that's right i d

you know that you are getting to a point in your life, when you decide that mindgames are enough and you need to deal with shit head on rather than being the silent partner and trusting someone who lies to you for her own agenda because she works for the school board and wants our child to be perfect, you are trying to control him the same way you tried to control me, and he has way too much of his father in him, its really interesting how you tell me to observe and think and try and figure out some strategies for our son, what i see is a child that is afriad to go to school because some kid is picking on him and breadboxing him everyday as well as constantly kicking him, but of course, dealing with that is secondary to making me miserable, you really want to keep me at arms length which is sad because im always going to be there, I wonder if you ever thought to notice, but he is my first born, and my only child, none of that matters to you tho, because he is a possession and when he

I am getting to that fucking point agian with work where the bullshit is overwhelming, there is no fucking point to an early morning argument about overtime, when you are taking fucking one shift a week away from me why the fuck are we arguing about overtime, wait, maybe its so you can justify hiring someone else and laying me off agian, this job feels like a fucking concentration camp, Im a fucking prisoner, after the week I have had I no longer need this shit, its time for more hardcore job and soul searching and i need to decide what benefits me in the long run this job or being on disabilty, i cant have a lack of a future in my carrer, im too old for this shit, when i cant see tommorow at this job, yet i know that a year from now, if im working for these fucking morons ill be doing the exact same thing and not really helping anyone, i couldnt not belive that he said that they were legally required to pay me overtime and that they should be paying me overtime, newsflash, i work over