Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

I am at a point in my life that very soon I am going to have to make some even harder decisions than I have already made, I have good options and I have lousy options at the moment my option that i have chosen is merely a placeholder to see what the next month or two will bring.. I'm no longer standing still without forward momentum but i am still going up a large hill very slowly... it's time to decide.. I know long term Hamilton No longer figures into the plan, I hate it here and it really is just about the reality that the city for me has outlived it's usefulness and created more fucking issues than i ever needed in my life...Windsor is calling me home and I have an option there... truth be told it was the one place that does feel like home.. the place i was happiest... But as much as the core of my being is defined by Windsor... the purest and most important part of my soul is currently in St. Catherines and Unless that changes it will be a very hard choice to decide to

I am sick of waiting, this next step in my life is about to happen and maybe i can find peace but maybe the shit in my life will continue to be just as confused as ever... Either way I know that I will have stayed strong and endured.. because that's exactly what I do.. I endure... nothing has ever defeated me in the past and Nothing in this reality will ever defeat me... i am not bound by other's skewed versions of reality... i stand.. even if it means standing alone. Current Mood: Determined. It is not light that we need, but fire; it is not the gentle shower, but thunder. We need the storm, the whirlwind, and the earthquake.

Being Angry at the state of my world does not equate to me being fucking violent... my rage has a singularity and single focus.... and I ask If i was truly angry and violent why hasn't that door ever been kicked in? why i have i always played this emotional game of chess rather than using my fists for a quick solution, I have evolved past that.. I am the man I am because of all my experiences and all of my scars... you were once part of that but now you are merely something i look back at and wonder what the fuck I'm doing... I know the sins that I have committed and the ones I have not and being with you was never one of them, but it has become My demon...I wonder where i would be if i wasn't tied to your fucking bullshit reality. but as always this was never about you, you are merely the reflection, My demon showing me in the mirror how you think you can control me...But you can't control me... No one ever has.. I have a very powerful weapon or two.. My mind, and My

It's time to reevaulate my life and the people that I hang around, Certian people's little flaws become huge gaping chasms of darkness when you are forced even for a few days to depend on them because you need something... I have a chance for a new start and a new place.. and while it may not last long it will give me options that I do not currently have.... This is a stopgap phase until I make some ultimate decisions... but it will do.. what won't do is certian people in my life, freinds and other's that are dragging me down... I know who I am, I know underneath a dark and angry exterior their's always going to be a good person underneath... Unfourtunatley for some of my freinds I cannot say the same fucking thing. It's time to cut them loose... I can't be absorbed by their darkness's when I'm fighting off my own. Current Mood: Depressed. You block your dream when you allow your fear to grow bigger than your faith.

I am sick of waiting on making the next step.... It does not matter how much I wait and stare into the void, something has to change and soon.. I don't like sitting around and waiting for something in my life to once agian make sense.. I just wait... I have the answers but I really need someone to be asking the questions and that isn't currently happening... It has been almost 2 years, I am not sure how much long he or I can endure this burden and all this pain.. it's not about either one of us it never has been.. it's exactly what it has always been about.. Someone else. Current Mood: Depressed. I hope I can protect the one thing I can’t live without.

While I am currently In a holding pattern and have to wait on the next chess move, I am confident that whatever becomes the next reality of my life that I will be able to endure it... It's probably time for me to move on a deal with the reality of the fact that i may have to scorch my earth and walk away from a lot of things i hold dear for vindication and to clear my name.. but it's not about me... it's never been about me... i have no illusions anymore... I just want to go back to a normal fucking life instead of just waiting on the next step... I'm sick of the fighting, Sick of battles and sick of waiting... I was made strong, but i was made for better things than this... I'm sick of just waiting and waiting... it's not about me... it's about him... and the more i think about it.. i despise the fact that the knife has once again been placed in my back. Current mood: Angry. If I had believed in a God of rewards and punishments, I might have lost courage

the Move is over and everything is done and in a storage locker and it's time to move on with my life, but i am very sad.. that was supposed to be the forever house and where i would stay and watch him grow up... of course other people's plans have interfered with that and why it isn't fair I do understand I just wish it could have happened diffrently... i guess this is a good thing tho.. good memories there but also the hell of the past two years in terms of everything that has happened, i've lost my job, lost my son and now lost the only place I have called home in many, many years... I am sad but it's a process now I just have to move on.... at least i have something stable for the next duration of my life... Current Mood: Sad. Home is a shelter from storms - all sorts of storms.

The chaos to this move is almost over and the next step is around the corner, But i cannot say i am happy due to the current turn of events... threats and intimidation are never a way to deal with me, I may not react but i will let it simmer...i will remeber it... it's bullshit how things turned out and while i understand her reasons i also find them unfair and unjust, i should have had till the end of the month but of course games have been played in terms of them for some time.. i had an option to make a full exit when i was on vacation back in July the reality is that is probaly when i should have made a decision to exit and do something else with my life.. at this point i just feel lost and angry.... I can see where some of the issues started and i can see the fact that some of the issues would have been dealt with by me making a final exit in the summer... now i venture on into the great unknown due to someone else's issues and lack of respect of tenant rights or basic hum

Another delay but this time it's for a purpose, however I am sick of the fucking games involved... but it is better to be represented but not... it's a completely different animal involved in terms of everything that is going on when I have to deal with them alone.. Of course I don't think that will be an issue soon, i have a month and i have a couple of options in terms of who i can deal with.. and I have some ammunition in my bullets right now that helps the case... I just don't trust them, this is a battle and a war.. and I will not be some matyr strung up like a puppet... only i control the destiny that I don't believe in... it's time to function and move things forward... every chess piece in action, every variable i can control i will control... it's about action it's not about waiting and hoping that situation will change, the more information i get and the more i can do about the situation the better off i will be.. I can somehow see a light and

I am Fucked, I have Nowhere to go and I have responsibilities here that can't be ignored esp. with the changing of the tide in terms of the next chess move.. everything is changing and being out on the streets with No supports is not a fucking option... I am fed up with the fact that someone's stupid little chess game is why I don't have options and this is a need to remove me entirely that has created the situation I am currently in.. I am fucked in terms of my job, my homelife... there's probaly a reason why i think about shiny little bullets every day...when my life is falling apart what is left for me to... I need to get away and at this point a serious consideration is moving back to windsor and saying fuck my entire life down here, not like i really have one... it's been crumbling since 2005, when you break down a man you can really take you time doing so.. and it doesn't help with emotional vampires out there is the housing market... I need something safe

I am sick of dealing with two faced and illusory people in this fucking city... I need something and I need to deal with it now.. this is the worse hell I have ever been thru in a while, not knowing exactly where I'm going to be living in the next little while and having money in my pocket to deal with it but feeling like I'm Standing Fucking still...I need to keep going on with my life.. I need to fix a few things in my life but as long as I have distraction and am dealing with scam artists and slumlords that won't happen.. Windsor Is being very seriously considered, i have a home there and it's safe.. and I have options.. Only one thing holds me back and I wonder some days if the sacrifice will be completely worth it. But i have to hold onto Hope that it will be.. I am thinking in terms of friends as well I may end up being more selective in terms of the next move... I am sick of people In my life just being hanger's on and only being fair weather friends that agr

While some things in my life are coming together some other things in my life are still falling apart.. my current and basic attitude right now is let's just deal with what I have to and then I will figure out the rest but I am frustrated dealing with fucking people and their politics when it comes to looking for a safe place for me to stay, I have never had these difficulties finding a place before and ridiculous the depths i have to suffer just to be able to move into something fucking safe for me and my child... I have seriously considered packing it all up and going to Windsor, at this point I have had my fill of Hamilton and the surrounding areas.. I have almost considered making a phone call to Welland and going to a place where i once felt safe and secure and it was without her influence at all... i know that's just nostalgia talking but it could work, anything beats being homeless and aimlessly drifting and not knowing where the next move will be.. I should have more op

I don't Like waiting, And i Don't like the great fear of the Unknown.. this is the first time In a long time in my adult life I have honestly thought that there is a real possibility of me being homeless for a few weeks... that's not a good place for my current Mindset... I need to continue to look hard and find something safe and appropriate for my life and figure things out.. it's not about me... It's about Him.. as long as keep that mindset and don't let fear and desperation set in and make bad choices for myself based on the current environment I'll be fine... I need to do what's right by us both. Current Mood:Waiting. Belief is not a matter of choice, but of conviction.

I am angry, and however it may be focused it is splintered and Threats and Intimidation do not work agianst me.. the more I think about things and the Direct threat i was given today the more than anger and the rage rages within my soul.. I have a real fucking battle to fight and to deal with and petty nonsense about leaving on someone's timetable is bullshit.. I've been a good person and a good tenant.. I'm more than a little fed up with given a deadline... I am on a limited income what part of that don't you understand I have asked you for nothing and i have had to deal with sleezebags and scam artists for the last month just looking for something safe for my child.. I'm sorry i can't get my shit together on your pretty little timetable... I am making a safety net plan to deal with the next step, and I have decided to begone to a freinds or somewhere maybe even windsor on the 15th even if everything get's hauled away to storage for the moment.. i am having

I am about to change my life in a dozen diffrent ways and the one battle that has to start today and end today is an argument about Housing? Newsflash you're the one with marital problems not me.. I've dealt with mine without involving you.. I am sick of trying to hold a fragile peace rather than just being defeated by someone attempting to intimidate me... I had to lose a little bit of control and show my temper today to show that meant buisness and get some resoltion... At this moment and time being homeless is not an option.. giving someone money i dont have is not an option.. I need this person for a bigger battle but I am not going to sacrifice the shit storm that is my life to just move on to make things conivent for someone else's situation... thankfully it has been resolved peacefully.. and I have good news and positive things to look forward to in the coming days even if i do have a storm to continue to ride the wave of... No fear... Nothing but the determiniation

I know for a fact I am no longer alone in this battle and i have my supports and the gates are about to become a hell of a lot wider in terms of the near future, i'm still in a battle for my life and for his but the game has changed and I am no longer fucking waiting... once agian it's time to be proactive and not reactive and get things done... I finally fucking feel like i have the upper hand and I can take that and hold that with me when i go into whatever battles i face currently. it's nice to see that one's actions... not mine have painted them into a corner... and it's a bad place alone. Current Mood: Hope. Temper is a weapon that we hold by the blade.

The battle is only just beginning but finally today i have gotten myself some vindication and some proof that I'm not the insane one in a dream world... my heart hurts for my little man that this is what she has reduced us too.. but that is her choice and she is the one damned to hell for it... But at least I have a little more strength to continue viewing down the wall of despair that has enveloped my life and I will come out this battle eventually proven innocent... it's just very sad that she has had to make this drastic action and destroyed my life.. (which If anyone really knows me.. I don't give two shits about...) but destroyed his as well... (which if you do know me, is the only thing I give a damn about and is just about the only thing left on this earth I will die to protect.) it's about her materialistic little perfect world that I don't fit in because I'm not willing to acquiesce to her demands or conform to her lifestyle and let all my dreams slip

I am hoping tommorow that I have some good news.. I'm sick of dealing with the nonsense that has become my life... Of course the true reflection is the fact that I am mostly likely going to hear the same old refrain about how the choices I made when I was young affect me again as an adult and that I will likely be fighting another uphill battle for yet another year or so.. and Who benefits? Only one person with her masterstroke of the system, this is why you can't ever trust or let anyone in... you have to stand alone because the minute someone knows your intimate secrets one day they can and will use them to destroy you... It's too bad I'm already destroyed and standing In the ashes of Hell.. there isn't much farther down I can fall.. and you can't break me... nor can you kill me... so why bother trying... this is a battle and war and I am far from finished with it... The only way this will ever end is with absolution and vindication or my dying breath. Curre

The longer this journey takes i find it's about a man I used to be a long time ago, No one cares who I am Now or was as a father... It's about the fractured fairy tale that was my fucking childhood when i was younger than he is now, the fucked up family dynamic i have had over the years, and the fact before I was twenty I did a little jail time for stupidity? this is the man I am defined as, Not the writer, not the poet, not the guy that spent ten years upgrading my education so i could make a fucking differences in the world..the guy who gave up on that idea just to be a father and did the right thing and went back to her city and fought a long court battle to be a dad, Nope I am fucking defined by being a street kid with a rough upbringing? you're fucking right I'm bitter and Angry... I had to fight to become who I am and Now I have to fucking fight to get some semblance of that life back? it's becoming harder and harder to fight these battles with everyone knocki