Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

This song explains everything i am feeling for all 3 of you right now... Nothing else needs be said. Current Mood: Very Sad Still.

I should be there right now, it blackens my very soul that I cannot be, No anger and no judgement right now on anything only Love and concern, but it hurts likes like fucking hell that one of the good things in our life has been violently torn away from us, and it hurts even more that i cannot be there to comfort and protect my child. i'll leave it at that. Current Mood: Sad. Current Music: Evanensence, My Immortal

I can't feel anything right now, Hurting pretty much every part of my heart and soul... I've buried two family members this week and another is dead to me.. this shit isn't supposed to happen to good people.. why aren't the people in my life i want dead still living? the worst thing about is the fact that I can't comfort the love of my life because of selfish actions and even more than that I am not there to comfort my child... I cannot imagine how he's feeling right now... this should not have happened... Current Mood: Sad. Current Music: Puff Daddy, I'll be Missing You. Numbing the pain for a while will make it worse when you finally feel it.

I don't know how to feel right now, one of the people that is so important in my sons life is now gone, thanks to another person in his life.. I am fucking shattered and i have No idea how either Jennifer or My boy feels... Grandma Helen was the only good god damn thing in that fucked up family.. I am here I am not going anywhere, there is nothing right now in my life that i wouldn't drop at a moments notice to be there for both of them... This shit should not have happened this should not be the way that things happen, I am so full of hurt and anger right now and it's not even even directed at anyone...I feel so sad I can't imagine how they feel... why do bad things happen to good people... I worked with the woman, she always accepted me and always tried to continue to make peace between me and you as much as she could, She was always a bridge between us... and I miss her... This should not happen, you will be missed. I don't know what else to say here... anythin

It's time to be proactive and take the battle to the people that need to be dealt with, I've dealt with enough fucking closed doors and two years of hell... I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, it's time for my defeat to become a victory and this game of hell I've been under for so very long to be done... there's only one person who's important at the end of this, and the time for chess games is over... time to deal with what needs to be dealt with, I did not spill my guts to a trusted friend yesterday to stall the situation. it's time for move forward. I've got no problem pouring gasoline and napalm on the already burning bridge that you are parked on... this is a nuclear option that you are afraid of, and it's the only option. No more games... Burn.... there are good places i can find in my past that have and will help me in this journey, Some bridges i never burned and I fought hard to keep some of those relationships... I will use them,

Using my past as a weapon against me is a double edged sword, it will cut you as well... i have no fucking problem using it as well, my last 15 years have been full of darkness but they are also a place of my greatest victories.. i have used one of those good experiences, probably my most valuable victory in 2002 actually, proof and vindication of everything in this life i wanted to be, to help the situation today and I am starting to finally see the light at the end of the tunnel, you can't stop the truth from being exposed and your illusion will soon be exposed for exactly what it was, you're not the first person to try and destroy me because of my childhood, you're just the first one to be successful, but soon you are going to be as naked and as exposed as I have chosen to be voluntarily... you can't take anything away from a man who has nothing, All that defines me is who I am, what i do and my past.. and you were able to used fractured peices of my past to create

Another day, but today today is Not a battle, today is an opening salvo in the last battle.. It's time to go forward and use the resources that I have and win this. there is nothing more important in my life and their is no question that I have any doubts of the eventual outcome. I have spent over two years in hell, it's time to give some of that back to her. I already know that my child's own words have and will vindicate me so why bother being angry and dark and depressed.. it's just time to be the dark warrior i have always been and use what available energy that I have in a positive direction... Current Mood: Determined. Current Music: Eminem, The Way I am. If you aren't afraid of the outcome, then it's not worth fighting for. The general who wins the battle makes many calculations in his temple before the battle is fought. The general who loses makes but few calculations beforehand.

There are bigger things in this world than constantly arguing and making threats to each other. When it's clear it's time to walk away one needs to do it and not make a major issue or a war out of it. I just lost someone I do consider a friend unexpectantly, it's time to appreciate what I have rather than fighting and constantly being angry at people, if a situation is not working it's time to leave it. there is No reason for me to be fighting a losing battle, it wasn't just the house that made my old place home, it was the people in it that I shared three years with, and now one of em's gone... the rest of the world is immaterial, nothing matters right now... Current Mood: Sad. There are no words that can diminish the pain of losing a friend.

It's time to fucking focus on what needs to be fucking focused on, today begins the war that will not end until things are made right. It's time to use my resources to fight this battle and find victory, there is no reason to sit around and do nothing and wallow in apathy, today I had a little victory and it was a fucking huge one, and everything else in my life for the moment is fucking immaterial. I need to focus and do what is needed in my life and forget about all the distractions. there is not enough time in my world for me to be focused on anything but that little child. Period. Current mood: Hopeful Current Music: Mockingbird, Eminem. Anything you truly want must be worth fighting for.

I have too much going on in my fucking life to be dealing with petty bullshit, I have real fucking battles to fight... I am not about to get into it when i bi polar bitch with her own issues is being intimidated by her 18 year old son and his buddies, i'm not about to throw fists and be intimidated, i'll just walk away from that shit... so sick of trying to be a respectable citizen, what did I get for it i'm fighting a fucking uphill battle for the only thing In my life that has ever fucking mattered... I've walked away from everything I've ever had.. over market rent and a lack of respect and privacy, yeah that's not happening. I don't feel safe and it's not a fucking environmental i want my fucking child around, and if she cared about anything more than money neither would she. But i'll tell you this, this isn't a relationship... constant fucking threats and intimidation are not the way to go, esp. when you are dumb enough to throw around the

Losing my fucking mind all the fucking time these days, I am uncomfortable here and I am seriously trying to figure everything out... I don't like feeling fucking unsafe and the lack of respect is fucking insane...patience level is low and i feel like I'm fucking living in an insane asylum, I currently do not fucking feel like this is a safe place to bring my son home too.. too much fucking bullshit this weekend and then to have a major fucking incident over the fact you want fucking internet? buy a fucking Ethernet wire... I've already help to raise a fucking adult, i'm not about to fucking babysit two men that should be dealing with their own shit and issues...I won't be fucking walked over, I'll walk away first.. so fucking fed up with this shit...i'd rather be fucking homeless and hanging with my homies and saying fuck the world than trying to be respectable and fighting so fucking hard to make things right... I don't need to lose my fucking temper

The patience level is low and I am still considering giving notice, I need to make plans to protect myself and my own... I know this that I am no else's father, and No one else's friend... nothing like going out with family for dinner and having to deal with fucking bullshit from home, and then the same fucking toolbox keeps me up till fucking 6 am with their bullshit, I know that it would be very fucking easy to walk away right now.. it seems like there have only been a few places in my life where i have found true peace, one is Windsor, one is watching my doggies at moms or the brother in laws.... and the third is up at Ottawa and Fennel, fuck i miss my old apartment so fucking much... both of the two i have spent over a year at.. it's too bad that things go the way that they do, it would be so fucking easy to just walk away and become a ghost... I am sick of having responsibilities to others, I don't have any obligation to have them, and no fucking need... I have

Another day and while I am still angry, the truth is that i don't give a fucking shit because it's not important, as i said yesterday there is only one battle worth sitting here living and/or dying for and everything else doesn't fucking matter, the sooner i convince my impulsive mind of that truth and start going with the war machine once again the better my sanity and my self assurance will be, I can't let petty fucking distractions get in the way, but it does show the size of someones character and makes it very fucking easy for me to make certain decisions in regards to the future and me, and my child's safety and what the next step will be. I hold no illusions anymore about anything at this point, Trust and respect are earned not given. Current Mood: Anger. Current Music: Slayer - Postmortem Sometimes, you have to fall from the mountain to realize what you are climbing for. Obstacles were put in our way to see if what we want is worth fighting for. From ev

There is only one Conflict worth fighting for in my life and everything is immaterial and is not fucking important, i need to just focus on that and exactly what that is... every other battle is a fucking joke and it's just as easy to not bother, all my energies need to go into this one thing, this same battle in one form or another i have been fighting since january 1st 2005, the only thing that matters is that little boys soul... I don't care about anyone else's petty lives or emotions, if i have to move on to provide a safe place for my child so be it, i chose this fucking place for that reason but right now underneath all the anger and emotion there is a deep darkness dwelling where my heart used to be, there is something missing.... i need to fight this battle harder and longer, i will never end it until I die or becomes of age, whichever comes first... but at this point the only thing i have left is hope because my world is too surrounded by the darkness to matter..

Why Do i constantly look back when things are fucking shitty in my life... Everyone I walked away from at every fucking moment in my life was walked away from for a reason, I shouldn't sit here and pretend i could have done anything everything any differently, that's not in my fucking nature that's not the man I am, that's not the boy that i was... I'm fucking nostalgic for something that never existed and I would prefer to have the anger and emotions and the fuel i had back then, it has been tempered with time and grown dull, but it is still still there... it is still a part of me there is a reason that in this world there is no conflict, no fight worth fighting for except for one day thing, the one thing i can never walk away from, my son.. this battle continues for the duration and i should stop letting petty distractions get in my way, I have no problem lighting a match and scorching the earth behind me... as long as it doesn't affect him I have no fear of

I'm not a happy man right now and I know exactly why.. I am not going to be anyone emotional punching bag anymore... i would not take this shit in a fucking relationship there is no way in hell i will take it in a living arrangement... i have enough stress in my life with the person that used my life, my child and my career as her emotional punching bag for years and i have been so distracted by this petty emotional outburst that seems like an almost constant thing that things that have been important have been hard to deal with... those things come fucking first... I will make the world my personal path of destruction to deal with those.. i really don't care about your personal fucking problems I have my own, when I made a personal whipping boy for your frustrations on the world and i endure days on end of it i will seriously start considering my options. I am very close to giving fucking notice right now and walking away, I am paying over market rent for something that needs

I am seriously getting fucking sick of this nonsense and these threats, I am seriously considering giving fucking notice and moving on, i have been trying to be a free spirit and deal with this shit and just let the chips fall where they may but threats and intimidation doesn't fucking work for me... you have done nothing to improve the house and you have had me working out in the fucking yeard and have wasted several entire weekends and have requested that i go above and beyong for you including taking my own personal situation at great fucking risk, I am seriously fucking considering moving on, the threats continue and i will call it a mother fucking day, i am not about to endure this shit.. My life has already fucking crumbled underneath my feet, it's seems any fucking time I get any fucking semblance of normality shit changes, I will not be intimidated or made to fear anyone or anything... I have enough fucking intimidation from my former partner, which I constantly finding

Starting to get extremely fed up with a few things in my life, I think I made a very tactical error in terms of current living arrangements as it becoming very clear to me that my current living situation may not work itself in the long term, there are becoming too many fucking bullshit and bogus issues around little things, and I know that even being in Dundas that i am overpaying for my current Situation, i wanted something safe and secure and it is not fucking likely that at this point that I have that stable fucking ground under my feet, between the fact she moved 2 kids into the other room that are barely out of high school and act as such esp. late in to the night and here kid has basiclly taken up residence nightly i am becoming very uncomforatble, there is a serious money drain issue as well and i am not fucking impressed.. I am working and bringing money in and It is very uncomfortable to be sharing a house when all i want to be is a fucking tenant, sometimes helping people ou

Yes at this point It's an uphill battle connecting with the services I need and constant phone tag with people that don't find the defining moment of my life important, but you know what I have been in their position before and I do understand that what is the entire world to me is only part of their daily job, so i do endure the constant phone tag and missed connections and phone calls, because if for only a moment if things finally go right and the way they should 6 months to a year from now things will be back to normal or at least a little better, i could sit around in apathy and be bitter but instead i am chasing these people, I am trying to make things right and showing an effort towards getting things done... The dark part of my life and my soul can't destroy the light forever, the dark person i left behind over ten years ago can't either... I would not be waging this battle battle except for one innocent soul, you would have been a dead memory in my past otherw

Some days i feel the darkness more than other days but today i got to stand firm on both feet and deal with a number of things that needed to be done... the first was dealing with some buisness and even tho i feel let down by it some days it is a steady source of income and allows to have some adventures and i'm not exactly starving or going without right now, I have a little nest egg set up for whatever is needed and i am doing some serious move forward even if other days it's thru a clusterfuck of errors that things aren't where they should be... of course none of this should be happening in the first place...but i firmly stood my ground with any direction that needed to be handled today with the people that needed to be handled and i will do the same tommorow, sometimes the void is looking back and sometimes I allow it too, Not today. Current Mood: Determined. Darkness tends to embolden haters to have a voice. They will find every dark corner, every crack in a wall,