Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

The act of walking away from you isn't what hurt the most. But the fact that I gave you everything...and how you slowly...and carelessly..destroyed it. It's been eleven years since you decided to end our relationship and for most of that time we have been at fucking war, why is it so fucking important to you to destroy any relationship I'm ever going to have with my son, even if you have to destroy everything I am to do it, you should fucking know better, I don't back down and anything you destroy I can, will and have rebuilt. We are heading toward the fucking end and things will change and affect all of our fucking lives forever. I can move forward and no that there is at least one thing I can say and that is there is no fucking fear of you or any eventual outcome, you can't bring me down anymore, and I'm ready for everything you have to throw at me. It's time for this to end, even if it ends both of us. I'm Down for one last battle, are you? I have r

There’s something inherently majestic about Christmas that seems to have been abandoned by us; something flippantly cast aside, something that was foolishly abandoned and was tragically forgotten in the abandonment. I have taken a step back this last year, that much is clear, It's probably time to reevaluate some of my decisions and deal with some of the frustrations I am having in my life and start to deal with them instead of fucking ignoring them and pretending that I am happy and everything is ok, It's not about money but it starting to seriously become about it and I'm doubting myself and some of my decisions and actions in the past year. in two months everything will come to a head and people will be proving their worth or lack thereof. I am very unsure of the next step but I do know that I'm not impressed currently by certain things and certain circumstances. It was a lot easier when it was only me, answering to Only me, I am seriously thinking it might be time

The evil we create during the wars to save us, it can also end us when the war is over. I find it interesting the reality of the game is that It's going end pretty much the same way that it began, almost down to same few sales i first got us in 2013, it's been a tumultuous 3 years and It's been there to help me fight my battles and distract my mind from everyday reality, It's not always been good but I can look back without any regrets or any real anger and be done with it, and Facing facts, it's going to be a new year soon and I'm Done with it, The future of that is not in question, i need to go back to the person I really am. This was wish fulfillment of a dream i had since i was a child but it was never intended to be any type of an adult goal nor should It have been. I can't ever say I cared for the politics or the dishonesty of a few but then again my ultimate goals had nothing to do with collecting any of this plastic crap and to that effect it did

Monsters can live inside a person. Sometimes, they know about it. More often, they don’t. The monster makes them feel safe, or at the very least, better. As long as you know it’s there, you can co-exist with it. Give it what it wants, and it will return the favor. Other times, the monster takes over. Bares its teeth. It's time for some tactical fucking decisions and there are options if fucking needed, I just can't keep staring down a black corridor and watching everything I've ever stood for or worked fall apart, I honestly keep wondering where I made the wrong turn, I'm sick of fighting and it was much easier when the battle was mine alone, there's a question now of who realistically will still be standing beside me when the war is over and I am standing in the fucking ashes of the battlefield. It's never been about me but now that I have added to the equation and let people in and changed my life, I'm not sure anymore that was a positive event, too man

The threat of Christmas hung in the air, visible already in the fretful look of passersby as they readied themselves for the meaningless but necessary rites of false jovialities and ill-considered gifts. There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child. I don't know if i can handle another year like this, all i keep thinking about is how many Christmases have been taken away and all the things that could have been shared, I dread this holiday even more than i used to, before It has stupid foolish reasons like wanting to be alone or wanting to work thru the holiday, now all i want is the simple privilege and pleasure of watching my boy open his Christmas presents and hearing his voice and seeing him smile........ But I am being Denied that. This is a season of giving and not darkness and melancholy, but I am sitting around not feeling a damn thing, trying my fucking level best to put on a smile and be there for loved ones... but i h

Always winter but never Christmas. I don't give a shit about this holiday, I never have, I always have made a fucking effort around me for those that it's important to but it's not something I give a damn about, I just don't have the patience to fucking pretend that I care anymore, the one thing that would and does matter to me as far as this holiday goes isn't here so why the fuck should I bother with going thru the motions about this fucking holiday nonsense and bullshit, I swear sometimes I'd rather be my dark and angry places, in solitude, alone. Things would be simpler, things would be easier. That's the way it used to fucking be and I was happy with that, that's how I fought my battles, that's how I dealt with the fact of every other Christmas you fucking took away, it's no different this year, I'm still missing him, more than you will ever know. And I fucking hate you for it, I always will. I'm both happy and miserable this ho

Christmas is such a time of struggle anyway, crammed with busy and hurry and the expectation that you will be joyful, no matter what. Then, if you’re like me, when you just sit quietly, just be, and let yourself feel what you feel, the guilt creeps in. Because you’re alive and the world is big, and you should be feeling some freakin’ Christmas spirit.. I wonder why I cling to my Windsorite roots so much, there is a reason, almost ten years removed it's still the only place I've truly known peace and any real presence of self, I defined myself, by myself up there. Everywhere else has never been my decision. I'm frustrated here, I'm frustrated by the fact that all I do here is wander thru shadows and remember who I used to be, and what I've become, I made a choice, regardless of anything, the war, family, loved ones, I came back for a reason, and that reason will never ring hollow, I just wish that there was more to define me in the last ten years, this journeyman s

Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before! What if Christmas, he thought, doesn't come from a store. What if Christmas...perhaps...means a little bit more! I'm trying to remember a time when I actually gave a shit about the holiday season, honestly every memory I have of this season is a fucking joke. I don't know if I truly have any happy Christmas memories save a handful with my son, and most of them are counter balanced by the years taken away or corrupted by his fucking mother. I don't have any fucking nostalgia for this season and as soon as it is fucking over, I'll be just as happy, I just wish I could find somewhere in my soul to feel as others do this season, instead of fucking hating everyone. Of course, this season and it's memories even as a teen have been shit. That's it. I remember nothing but misery every December. It bothers me even more that I have had the means the last few years to make other people's holidays happy

Even for me life had its gleams of sunshine.. Sometimes I forget that their are rays of sunshine in my life, Not today. Today is another Happy day, and that's all that matters. Current Mood: Sunshine. Current Music: Motörhead, I Ain't No Nice Guy Life brings darkness so many times, and we feel down in this phase of darkness. But the true value of darkness only realizes when we face the darkness, until we look some sunshine within the darkness.

And then, a strangely comforting thought trickled through me—I had nothing, so I could do anything now. Anything I wanted. I had nothing left to lose. I'm not even pretending to be fucking remotely happy with people currently, one of the biggest reasons I not only want but need to be fucking done with this toy bullshit is the fact I cannot use it as a fucking income because none of these fucking so called people are solid and honestly there are too many out there that are just there to take fucking advantage, I'm getting to the fucking point where I would rather keep everything I have and lock it into a glass case than wait on fucking people that give me there fucking word that they want things. It's frustrating knowing that I could have given my son all if these things for the holidays and had epic holidays several times over, yet ten days before fucking Xmas 2015 I am alone and frustrated by all of these fucking things and the people who are supposed to be fucking payin

Most journeys have a clear beginning, but on some the ending is less well-defined. The question is, at what point do you bite your lip and head for home? But there's a beginning in an end, you know? It's true that you can't reclaim what you had, but you can lock it up behind you. Start fresh. The end of this is long overdue and the fact that I am simply limping along towards christmas, because afterwards there will be nothing left but a glass coffin that stands as a fucking memory of how hard i worked and how truly little it meant to anyone...there will be a few items left and there will be things left to show that for a second that he mattered regardless that he wasn't here, but i have had to spend the last three years being manipulated, stolen from and merely Fighting for a place in this world to stand my ground, I will be never truly happy until he is home, but the fact remains that these items are meaningless when it comes to that ultimate goal, but the truth o

For the love of money is the root of all evil: which while some coveted after, they have erred from the faith, and pierced themselves through with many sorrows. You answer to none but the whim of your own black heart. I need to fucking look at my life and my fucking priorities and decide what my fucking options are currently, I can't live the way things are being going and I don't know what the next step is, I do know that it can't continue like this fucking black hole, if I need to fucking walk away from people I have no fucking problem doing so for the duration, I'm getting the fucking feeling that I'm just being used, I need to decide exactly what I need to do in my life because right now it looks like all I'm fucking doing is standing still and falling apart, if I'm going to fucking fall apart I will do so on my own fucking time I've already sacrificed enough for others. This is getting ridiculous and it's fucking apparent that I am not going

This power that we have comes from a dark place, but it's not who we are. And we can use it to help people. I don't know where things are leading, and I know that some of my choices are guided by the silent rage that i can only do so much about so i focus my fucking energies elsewhere as much as i can, But that is ending, it will be done by Christmas, it's just frustrating that that is all that i have left to look forward to, I took the birthday hard as it's fucking bullshit i have all these things i could be giving my son for this holiday and by the time i'm done most of them will be only memories, another experience that has been fucking taken away. it's frustrating to know that i can give him everything but not being able to... it's a curse, it's just another reminder of how much she has taken away, and i sit here counting down days and waiting for the next step. it is a common part of my life that these material things only pass thru my life, It

A birthday is a glorious day filled with good laughter, gladness and great memories. Birthdays are nature's way of telling you to eat more cake. A happy birthday is measured not in the amount of gifts one gets, but in the amount one is loved. Today is a happy day, it's not every day that my son turns twelve, It's a day that should be about him, and I'm just going to wish him a happy birthday and remind him how much he means to me and have that be my only prioirty today, Happy birthday son, daddy misses you and will see you soon. Current Mood: Happy Birthday Son. Current Music: Your Guardian Angel, The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus The best birthday present is an empty box. Smile, it contains all my love for you. May today be the best birthday of your life, I give you my heart as the most precious gift I can give you and I promise I always will love you.

It was only natural to want to destroy something you could never have. The forces of desire that sway man's mind are the forces that will eventually destroy him, while a singular love that roots his heart makes him invincible It's frustrating going thru the last of this stuff trying to get rid of and drain every dollar from, it is a toy graveyard and while I do occasionally find the odd interesting item it's very frustrating that most of what I have left is a mountain of fucking junk that will probaly end up on the curb, once upon a time I had a bunch of interesting shit in these bins and now it's just another worse less endeavour reminding me how much has been fucking sacrificed of my time. It's frustrating because I know once upon a time I had a lot of interesting things and now I'm moving forward and beyond these things but it still fucking sucks that none of these cool things he ever got to see, that's on his mother not me, a handful will be kept, en

...if the world is made of light and darkness...I'll be the darkness! Character is what you are in the dark. I don't Know anymore where things are going in my life and whats going on, I'm trying to make things work but old familiar things are creeping into my life and darkening my soul, I am once again becoming quick to anger and I'm starting to seriously examine the things in my head and my position in life, I have made choices and all i want to do sometimes is run away and start again, That's not me, i have to stand and fight, But sometimes I am so emotionally drained and I don't know where any of this is going, only that I'm in it for the duration and frustrated as hell by the entire situation. i wonder if I'm staring into the abyss these days and if it's staring back, or if the abyss is me.. and my black heart... because that's all that's left. I wonder if you ever have days like these where you look back on everything and wonder why

Why do you go away? So that you can come back. So that you can see the place you came from with new eyes and extra colors. And the people there see you differently, too. Coming back to where you started is not the same as never leaving. I am saying goodbye to the thing that has dominated my life other than the ongoing battle that still consumes me, but the other thing always had a short shelf life, one i managed to continue for much longer than i ever expected, But this will be the last holiday where it is of any importance because there is nothing left, but that has been the goal the whole time is to end the game, much better to go out happily and not completely miserable rather than the anger and hate that has dominated most of the adventure, a lot of that comes from within, but there is a reality that it was a worthwhile break because before every thing fell to ashes, i was burning out, and now I can go back to the things i am meant to do with new fresh eyes and a perspective that

There is evil in all of us, and it is the mark of a man how he defies the evil within. I make choices and decisions in this life all the time. Some come back to haunt me and others frustrate me completely. Right now I'm not sure what the next step in my life is, I'm not happy and I'm beyond frustrated by the fact that things are not going accordingly, I need to survive to the holidays and then take a long fucking look at what the next phase of my life is going to look like, I'm sick of staring at the abyss and coming up with nothing, more than that I am frustrated by the fact that tangible things I once sacrificed for the greater good of someone else are not being replaced and all my money and interests are going elsewhere. It's frustrating, and I get certain necessary evils but it's frustrated knowing on my own that I would be more self sufficient and I would be able to take care of myself, sometimes sitting around here all I feel like is dead weight, just wa

There is, in every event, whether lived or told, always a hole or a gap, often more than one. If we allow ourselves to get caught in it, we find it opening onto a void that, once we have slipped into it, we can never escape. After years in utter darkness, I force my eyes into the light. For I must retain my sight, that I might view the wholeness of the void, objectively. I have stared down Darkness for as long as i can fucking remember and i have never backed down, I've always stare into the void and embraced that it was apart of me, That without it i wasn't truly free.. at least at the end of the day, In my darkest hours and darkest places, knowing that i draw my strength from the emptiness that is my life and continues to be my life. it's day like today where i have to stare into the darkness and reevaluate things and sometimes when i peel back the veil i do not like the fucking things i see, I almost wonder if it's worthwhile to continue to keep things status qou