I'm trying to remember a time when I actually gave a shit about the holiday season, honestly every memory I have of this season is a fucking joke. I don't know if I truly have any happy Christmas memories save a handful with my son, and most of them are counter balanced by the years taken away or corrupted by his fucking mother. I don't have any fucking nostalgia for this season and as soon as it is fucking over, I'll be just as happy, I just wish I could find somewhere in my soul to feel as others do this season, instead of fucking hating everyone. Of course, this season and it's memories even as a teen have been shit. That's it. I remember nothing but misery every December. It bothers me even more that I have had the means the last few years to make other people's holidays happy ones, and provide for the children and loved ones in my family, but I am not able to give these things to my son, I hate the fact I am still sitting on a few bins of stock that would be better fucking served hiding under a Christmas tree, instead I might hold onto them in the dim hopes that one day I'll get him home and he'll have any fucking microcosm of interest in any of this shit, this grand adventure the last few years and I'll that I'll be able to give him is some plastic fucking memories. It's not about that, it's about the time we are missing. There is a reason this season I build a wall around my heart, there's a reason I wallow in darkness and prefer to be alone. It makes things easier. I hope you're fucking happy with what that you have fucking taken away, 5 fucking years almost. Do you know how much it sucks having stuff for him under the tree and knowing that sooner than later he will outgrow all of it, do you know what it's like knowing that I probaly don't know my little man at all anymore! I can give him everything and the only fucking thing I want is him around for the holidays, the way it's supposed to be, but for whatever reasons in your dark mind you deny him that, even when fucking gifts were bought for him. I don't feel anything this time of year, and you are the only reason for that, I'm numb.
Current mood: Depressed.
A lovely thing about Christmas is that it's compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.
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