Skip to main content

Bah Humbug: 2015 Edition.

Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before! What if Christmas, he thought, doesn't come from a store. What if Christmas...perhaps...means a little bit more!

I'm trying to remember a time when I actually gave a shit about the holiday season, honestly every memory I have of this season is a fucking joke. I don't know if I truly have any happy Christmas memories save a handful with my son, and most of them are counter balanced by the years taken away or corrupted by his fucking mother. I don't have any fucking nostalgia for this season and as soon as it is fucking over, I'll be just as happy, I just wish I could find somewhere in my soul to feel as others do this season, instead of fucking hating everyone. Of course, this season and it's memories even as a teen have been shit. That's it. I remember nothing but misery every December. It bothers me even more that I have had the means the last few years to make other people's holidays happy ones, and provide for the children and loved ones in my family, but I am not able to give these things to my son, I hate the fact I am still sitting on a few bins of stock that would be better fucking served hiding under a Christmas tree, instead I might hold onto them in the dim hopes that one day I'll get him home and he'll have any fucking microcosm of interest in any of this shit, this grand adventure the last few years and I'll that I'll be able to give him is some plastic fucking memories. It's not about that, it's about the time we are missing. There is a reason this season I build a wall around my heart, there's a reason I wallow in darkness and prefer to be alone. It makes things easier. I hope you're fucking happy with what that you have fucking taken away, 5 fucking years almost. Do you know how much it sucks having stuff for him under the tree and knowing that sooner than later he will outgrow all of it, do you know what it's like knowing that I probaly don't know my little man at all anymore! I can give him everything and the only fucking thing I want is him around for the holidays, the way it's supposed to be, but for whatever reasons in your dark mind you deny him that, even when fucking gifts were bought for him. I don't feel anything this time of year, and you are the only reason for that, I'm numb.

Current mood: Depressed.

A lovely thing about Christmas is that it's compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Laugh Track.

  I want you in my life. Don't ever fucking confuse that for needing you in my life. Those two things are mutually exclusive to each other. I'm fine with my life and it's not my freind's and my social life that I'm jealous of. We both made our choices. My life has always been an insane carnival. You were merely an extended chapter. But if you think I'm going to sit at home being sad and depressed and shutting down because your not in my life. Your delusional. Then agian we already know this. If my life is going to be a sad comedy then I'll make it a metal massacre. I'm not sitting around waiting for anyone. The least of all you.  I sacrificed enough time on the altar of what might have been. I'm just enjoying the time that we have left. This way if it go out, it's on my own terms. I always told you that my funeral pyre will be a blaze of glory.. I just never told you when.  Now I'm gonna live and have adventures. Remain jealous. You know how ...
Post a Comment
Read more

The Trees.

  I am really bothered by someone hurting my tree. I’m not sure the next step but that’s a living thing. I know that there is no healing when our things are still affected negatively by people. I’m not sure what the next step is but I know this is part and parcel of the entire thing and that we can’t heal when people hurt the things we care about.  I don’t have much but I do have a legacy to protect and there is a place where my son needs to feel safe, and I don’t think it will ever be that house agian. But once it was home, there are good memories there. There was love.  Part of that is the peace that was our tree. I’m sick of people damaging the things I love.  The world needs to be better and less selfish. I need peace in mine and her lives. Even if we are separate in our lives. She needs the peace and quiet I have in my life. Even more than I do.  And only one of us has it. 
Post a Comment
Read more

Father and Son.

I dont know the next step. I don't claim to. I just know I'm working to rebuild a relationship that has been fractured for many years. That includes both of you. I am here. I will always be here, I have always been here that will never change  This weekend was epic and it felt right. I don't know what will happen but i do know that I am at peace with being civil and polite with your mom. It was nice to have a little adventure as a family. It felt right. It what was missing in our lives. Thank you. 
Post a Comment
Read more