I have taken a step back this last year, that much is clear, It's probably time to reevaluate some of my decisions and deal with some of the frustrations I am having in my life and start to deal with them instead of fucking ignoring them and pretending that I am happy and everything is ok, It's not about money but it starting to seriously become about it and I'm doubting myself and some of my decisions and actions in the past year. in two months everything will come to a head and people will be proving their worth or lack thereof. I am very unsure of the next step but I do know that I'm not impressed currently by certain things and certain circumstances. It was a lot easier when it was only me, answering to Only me, I am seriously thinking it might be time to go back to that, I can't constantly be fucking pissed off at the holidays by others peoples decisions and actions when the only fucking thing i want to do is fucking crawl into a hole and die because he's not here. This is not what I wanted my meaningless adventure the last three years to end and I am beyond frustrated by the fact that i feel i have been taken advantage of by a great many people in my life, Sometimes i feel like i should just say fucking fuck it and go back to being alone, I'm sick of being miserable and having to put ona brave face for those around me, I prefer other years where i can just wallow in my fucking misery and crawl into a fucking hole when i need to. I am sick of compromising myself for other people's comfort when i have non of my own, it's not healthy and this is among the darkest times of the year for me, made worse by the fucking fact that next year is the great unknown, There are only a few things that are for fucking certain, I have a battle to fight and Win, Or I'm going down fighting In a epic blaze of glory without ever giving up, He means much more to me than that, two The toy thing is fucking done, It's time to build those glass shelve's and let this adventure i've been on Alone, without him to end, while i still have something to fuckin show for it. He deserves at least that much and not just stories about how awesome it was at certain fucking points. but the reality of it is for my own well being and for the fact that i do think i have been taken advantage of at several points by more than one person it's time for this albatross around my neck to fucking end it's been a nice income but it's done, I don't have enough left over for it to truly matter and honestly it should have ended in fucking July when it was supposed to and i could have retired from this circus fucking sideshow the way i wanted to, Instead of letting avarice and greed for the almighty dollar control me and slowly limping along until there is nothing left, There are toys for All my son's Missed Xmas left over and some of them I can't get normally In Canada, And i don't have time for the over priced bullshit and politics from the places i could acquire them, it's time for me to remember that And not always have all of this be about money because something matter more than money and his surprise when he see's them means so much fucking more to me than any dollar amount ever could, It's time to remind myself of that before I sell my soul to please others. there are going to be some serious decisions about my life in this next year, and I guarantee as usual that No one other than me is bound to like them, But you know what, sometimes that's the way things have to be, I'm sick of fuckin struggling, and worse I'm sick of getting blood from a stone for selfish reasons when i have nothing left to give. It's to end a great many things and the fact that certain decisions are forming on the eve of a new year, right about the same time Decisions were taken out my hands back eleven years ago, it's not about to be something that's going to ever fuckin happen again. If I'm not in control I'm not there, it's simply as easy as that, and right now, when i need to be at my most solid I find myself slowly spiraling out of fucking control, I need to fix that and find some real peace in my life, I'm no longer convinced that i can find it here or ever.
Current Mood: Frustrated
Current Music: The Crüxshadows- Happy Xmas (War is Over)
One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the living room on Christmas day. Don't clean it up too quickly
There must be something ghostly in the air of Christmas — something about the close, muggy atmosphere that draws up the ghosts, like the dampness of the summer rains brings out the frogs and snails.
It's like pretending to be Santa and then stabbing someone with a candy cane!
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