You answer to none but the whim of your own black heart.
I need to fucking look at my life and my fucking priorities and decide what my fucking options are currently, I can't live the way things are being going and I don't know what the next step is, I do know that it can't continue like this fucking black hole, if I need to fucking walk away from people I have no fucking problem doing so for the duration, I'm getting the fucking feeling that I'm just being used, I need to decide exactly what I need to do in my life because right now it looks like all I'm fucking doing is standing still and falling apart, if I'm going to fucking fall apart I will do so on my own fucking time I've already sacrificed enough for others. This is getting ridiculous and it's fucking apparent that I am not going anywhere here, I need to make some hard and fast decisions and stick by them, it's not my place to be anyone's fucking saviour financially, hell I can hardly take care of myself and everything I had to take care of myself is mostly fucking gone, with absolutely nothing to fucking show for it, how the hell was that the right decision? I need to make some fucking choices soon and quickly and decide where I'm going to fucking be. I have my own fucking battles to fight and while I do appreciate the last few months and everything over the past couple of years, I also realize that if things are going to be status quo like this, for my mental health, that's not exactly a good thing, maybe I need to be the loner with my back agianst the wall fighting the system, at least that way I can take care of myself. I always seem to get into trouble when I have to carry the fucking load for others. I feel like a caged animal when I should be out there being the rebel, being the hunter, yeah, at home there would be a fine line between comfort and surviving, but I'm used to that razors edge, the fact that I am here and that decision is slightly taken out if my hands is fucking frustrating, and I'm not sure what my options are here except to scorch the earth and walk away. I can't deal with the mess, the financial drama, the emotional drama that seems to be fucking happening every day, I have a hard enough fucking time keeping my shit together, how the fuckin hell should I be expected to do it for others? I am trying but soon I am going to have to take the mercenary approach and fucking end this so I can take care of myself and only myself. It's gonna hurt like hell, agian. There are only so many fucking things I can do to keep my fucking mind distracted here and I cannot correctly fucking function in all of this chaos. I need to figure out if any of this at all is worth it going forward because from where I stand I don't fucking see it anymore.I'm sick of the fact my needs and wants are being ignored especially with the amount of money that has been spent of mine without any gratitude. When I'm pressured to fucking stick around because it's clear I need a fucking break but it's not going to happen because we don't have any fucking money, except when we do have money it gets pissed down the drain regardless of who it belongs to, sick of my income and my belongings, which their are very little of left paying for other people's things, another fucking concern about not going home and losing fucking sales is not going home at the end of the month around cheque day, there are people that owe me large amounts of money and that's something that should be important and usually it helps pay my fucking bills. I need to examine what I'm fucking doing in this life and decide what's truly important to me because right now I am feeling exactly like I did in St. Catherine's in 2001, isolated from my freinds, not able to spend a fucking dime of my own money and under the control of another. Anyone that knows me at all knows I don't do well under any system of control even within a relationship. And if and when I get fed up I'll walk away and I won't look back. I'm not making that mistake twice. Right now I've kept a lot fucking bottled because I do want this to work but when I feel like it's a worthless endeavour that will just leave me back at square fucking one chasing my own tail I need to make some decisions for me, about me, and only for me. It isn't fucking fair that I have gone without because I've done for others and sadder still if I got my boy home tommorow, all of these things I could have kept for him are gone so someone else could be happy, and what do I have to show for it? Where's the major Christmas present that was bought and fucking returned due to pressure back after tf con? Why the hell are half my things here of value here just to save a few fucking bucks? Where's all these random sales on weekends that paid for things? All gone, but of course if I have to go home to collect money, make sales or pay a bill that's not fucking important. Make no mistake I'm getting fed up. I don't like being taken advantage of, even in a fucking relationship, and if I feel like I'm being taken advantage of too fucking much, I'll bail. I'm sick of being the guy for other people to depend on and I'm more sick of being judged by people that have not had to go thru half the hell I have had to in my life telling me what to do. Every decision I make now is for me, and should I choose something people don't like, fuck them, for Christ's sake I'm almost fucking forty here fighting a battle that has been happening since my late 20s.
I don't know what the next step is, but I do know some days is rather be alone, away from everyone, doing my own thing playing guitar, off the fucking grid where no one knows where I am, it was easier having a nomadic transient life, at least I didn't have to fucking constantly wonder where my next meal and cigarette would come from, I'm used to taking care of myself, I'm used to taking care of my son and my son only, for him I'll make sacrifices, but it seems of fucking late all I do is make sacrifices, and what the fuck do I have to show for it, Nothing. No fucking wonder of late the patience level has been low and the anger level has been high. The person of least priority is me and I'm surrounded by selfish people and children who only fucking think of themselves, don't respect other people's things or themselves, this is going to be life long fucking term? I highly fucking doubt it, I have my own wars and battles to fucking fight and regardless of fucking anything if I'm not fucking comfortable or I am constantly fucking stressed over nothing, why the fuck am I here? I can be fucking miserable at home alone, in my nice little apartment and only have to fucking worry about and take care of myself. I'm seriously fucking frustrated by the lack of respect here for others and their belongings, but of course I'm supposed to bring my stuff here for storage that's worth a lot of money and bring my electronics for entertainment, but when they can't respect or take care of their own belongings why the fuck should I consider fucking bringing mine here? I'm fed up and starting to look upon this entire idea as a bad idea, I'm not good at responsibility and even less trying to teach it, I feel fucking drained by all the expectations here and I like even less being walked all over 24/7. Something has to fucking change and soon. I don't know what the next step is but it feels like I have been taking a step backwards of late, and I don't like moving in reverse.its frustrating.It actually feels like I have taken movement backwards this year, although I have not, it's just frustrating to be fucking standing still and looking at this pile of shit that's left of the last few years endeavour and scrambling for money at Xmas, I don't have faith in people because when it comes to the lowest fucking denominator people will always let you down, i was in a pretty dark place last year thanks to some punk kid who ripped me off, this year I just don't know how to feel and/or care. It's just another moment of waiting, there's nothing left to be had from the toy gig except to make a shelf or two for my son to remember that at one point in my life, I did something fucking cool. Sadly, it rings hollow because he wasn't there to share the experience with me. At least I can do is have a fucking glass shelf left of things from this once in a lifetime opportunity.It's frustrating that a lot of my effort is sinking into yet another black hole and I am becoming fucking bitter, soon there will a line once again drawn in the sand this time for different reasons and the truth of the fucking matter is that a decision will be made that's out of my hands, but I can't sit around pretending I'm fucking happy and not miserable, it can only go on for so long till that a decision has to be fucking made as to what the next step is going to be, other people's actions and decisions in what has been a long wait to either my redemption or my darkest fucking hour, their actions both past and present will determine their character and any relationships will be defined going forward from that fucking moment, and only in that moment will I truly know people for who they truly are. It's time to find out, there is only so many pieces left of me to sacrifice, soon I will be spent and gone. what the fuck is the point of sacrificing when i will give away everything that i am to take care of others, Just to follow myself down the same deep dark path i have been folloing for the last years, this thing has always been a blessing and a curse, and now it's become a crutch because i have become unfeeling about it and don't give a damn about it anymore, it can all fall to fucking ashes, it's always been a fucking albatross, a noose around my neck, but it has provided, but soon I won't give a damn about anything, I'll just choose to be alone, I'll Choose to be completely done.
Current Mood: Angry, Depressed.
Current Music: Hero, Skillet
Seems to me people are mean or evil because they're scared, mostly, or in pain, or afraid they're going to lose something
The world is evil only when you become its slave..
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