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Holiday Cheer?

And then, a strangely comforting thought trickled through me—I had nothing, so I could do anything now. Anything I wanted. I had nothing left to lose.

I'm not even pretending to be fucking remotely happy with people currently, one of the biggest reasons I not only want but need to be fucking done with this toy bullshit is the fact I cannot use it as a fucking income because none of these fucking so called people are solid and honestly there are too many out there that are just there to take fucking advantage, I'm getting to the fucking point where I would rather keep everything I have and lock it into a glass case than wait on fucking people that give me there fucking word that they want things. It's frustrating knowing that I could have given my son all if these things for the holidays and had epic holidays several times over, yet ten days before fucking Xmas 2015 I am alone and frustrated by all of these fucking things and the people who are supposed to be fucking paying for them, I guess it would be easier for me to fucking walk away from it all than to continue to fucking care about all of this junk, it's created conflict, had things important to me stolen from my life, and is a fucking black hole, it's time to be fucking done, period.

I've lost interest and patience with everything involved and I'm getting to the fucking point where I'm just going to fucking bail from all of it, I'm sick of trying very hard for so little reward and honestly I have better fucking things to be doing. I am dealing with the darkest parts of my fucking life right now and while there is light for me, it's not the fucking same as it should be or once was, I only see the fucking darkness and the clouds over my sunshine, I am falling apart but by bit and some mornings don't even know the fucking person in the mirror anymore, the last few years I defined myself by who the fuck I had to be, but now even that is mostly gone, I don't know who I'm supposed to be anymore, I'm seeking new definition but I also feel that I'm standing still if not completely moving fucking backward. Once agian it will not be a happy holiday for me but at least at this fucking point I have made my peace with that, but I am honestly debating how little of myself there is left to fucking sacrifice. It bothers me beyond comprehension that I am doing so much for fucking others and yet for the last two or three seasons I without a fucking doubt would have been able to provide for my own on a spectacular level and I have been Denied that

How the fuck am i supposed to be fucking happy when it isn't just me this shit is happening to? I judge fucking people By there merits but it fucking sucks that everyone and everything I am connected to turns to fucking ashes because of their own decisions. Anything I've ever known has turned to fucking shit and all I get left with are some old photographs and memories, that's my life, 5 years ago i had a Christmas that mattered surrounded by loved ones... now every fucking thing has turned to shit and while little things that have turned around in my life, other things have fallen completely apart, I'm directionless and I can't imagine how she must feel. I'm sick of being empty and every thing that I try to build, every castle is made of sand that turns to shit. If i can't help my friends and I end up being poison to all of them, what the fuck the is the point? I don't know what my step but I do know what's in my past and the people that I will always stand by in their darkest hours, Even if they were not there for Mine. I approach darkest hours and have to spend my fucking holidays waiting... I just can't imagine losing my child forever based on the fucking decision of some fucking idiot in a fancy fucking dress... this shit hits close and hard and right at home...i know the circumstances are fuckng diffrent but I look back and wonder what the fuck went so horribly fucking wrong?

Current Mood: Depressed
Current Music:Holyhell, Revelations

It seems it doesn't pay to be good anymore, when people are short-changing you for evil.

I'm guilty of giving people more chances than they deserve but when I'm done, I'm done.

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