Monsters can live inside a person. Sometimes, they know about it. More often, they don’t. The monster makes them feel safe, or at the very least, better. As long as you know it’s there, you can co-exist with it. Give it what it wants, and it will return the favor. Other times, the monster takes over.Bares its teeth.
It's time for some tactical fucking decisions and there are options if fucking needed, I just can't keep staring down a black corridor and watching everything I've ever stood for or worked fall apart, I honestly keep wondering where I made the wrong turn, I'm sick of fighting and it was much easier when the battle was mine alone, there's a question now of who realistically will still be standing beside me when the war is over and I am standing in the fucking ashes of the battlefield. It's never been about me but now that I have added to the equation and let people in and changed my life, I'm not sure anymore that was a positive event, too many things are turning into old familiar relationship behaviours, and I'll be damned if the past repeats itself, I have fought too hard and too fucking long and I am too fucking fiercely independent to ever let myself be under the thumb of anyone that thinks they can control me, not in any fucking manner, I am at war, that's the only fucking goal, I have looked into the true face of darkness, my true face of fear, I don't doubt myself, I don't fear anything anymore, I just count and wait on the days that continue to be ridiculous until I have him home, I'm always going to have that as a singular goal and I'm seriously not seeing my priorities shared at the fucking moment, and if that makes me a dark, angry, nasty and selfish person, so fucking be it. I'd rather be one with the abyss, fighting against the only thing in this world blacker than me than worrying about others dragging me, if I am true darkness, then the one I fight must be oblivion, I have long since given up that my battle has any true purpose, save one. And that purpose, I'll go down in flames riddled in a million bullets and still fucking stand until my last breath, if my world ends, the world that's already been taken away from me, have you looked into my black soul? Do you think I care who that I take with me? I make decisions for me, and him alone. I will be moving the chess pieces across the board one last time, but unlike her, I've never considered anyone a pawn, I just don't know or understand what my next fucking step is going to be, personally, men like me don't get to enjoy happiness, men like me have two choices, either settle into a miserable life of complacency or armour up and stand and die for a cause, I've long ago made my peace with the kind of man I am, I'd rather die a fucking nomad with no one and nothing to my name than continue to feel that my accomplishments have stood for naught, one person has maliciously destroyed my life already, I refuse to sacrifice the little I have left for anyone else. My life has fallen apart and there are days I wonder how little of my soul remains to rebuild. Sometimes I wonder what I have left after the war, right now I know what keeps my heart beating, what keeps me breathing, I want to say it's the love for my child, but the reality is that's only part of it, there is an element of anger and hate, once that's not a part of my life anymore I almost wonder if I would have any drive, any reason to keep going, as long as this is about him and only him I can keep going....
Certain promises have been made and have constantly been broken and I am wondering if certain sacrifices this past year have been truly worth it, I constantly doubt myself but when I start to feel fucking trapped I run. I don't know what the next step is but I do know that things as they are won't continue into the new year. I don't mind a little self sacrifice but it is getting ridiculous and when I see that my accomplishments are starting to stand for nothing and things are not going where they should, I seriously fucking doubt myself and my current place in life, I have always chosen to be alone so no one could control me or my finances, I think that it's fucking sad I am once agian considering that for the same reasons. The next few months are going to be interesting and I'm going to have to face down more than a few demons in my life and from my past, either people are on board with me and not an emotional and financial drain in my life or they are going to see themselves cast aside, there's only one true thing I give a damn about right now, and if it comes down to it, I will make him not only the first priority, but the only priority in my life.
I have looked at the end of the dark abyss, this fucking toy crap that has dominated my life the past few years is fucking done, there is simply nothing fucking left, but the few fucking embers that remain should still fucking stand for something. I don't know the next step in my life but I know that I am no longer looking behind, and that I'm not interested in anything other than my life moving forward, alone or otherwise. It fucking sucks I've had to choose survival and relationships over some of this cool shit, but it's material, it's fucking replaceable, it's just the fact the uniqueness of this shit isn't able to be replaced, I just wish it was less frustrating. I wish I knew what the next move in my life was instead of just fucking waiting. I'm just fucking frustrated by the waiting and the fact that i have faced many demons and seen so much pain these last few years and I can only hold onto to hope that there might finally be an ending in the new year.. but I sincerely Fucking Doubt it.
I'm Sick of Fucking Standing Still.
Current Mood: Frustrated.
Current Music: The Price, Twisted Sister.
Christmas is supposed to be this time when everyone is nice to one another and forgives one another and all that, but the true meaning of Christmas is presents. And in the real world, Santa’s not fair. Rich kids get everything and poor kids get secondhand crap their parents bust their asses to afford. It costs money just to sit on Santa’s lap.
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