Forgiven, it doesn’t mean forgotten. Never will mean that. I’m enjoying the silence right now because it means I can live my life and do epic shit. Without the shadow of you in the background.
I have had a good life and have had adventures, but all of that has been without my son. And all of that will never be forgotten. That was your choice. Always your selfish decision. Once upon a time I may have needed you in my life, that time is far behind. This year is the breaking point. I think I’ve always known That.
I cannot spend the rest of my life missing you and my son. And most days I only miss him, you and I, it’s only tragic circumstances and a trauma bond that has been around since the beginning and a promise I refuse to break as to why I’m still trying. But if you had asked me that fourteen fucking years ago I wouldn’t have cared. I would have still hated you for what you took away and destroyed. This year is the final end game. It has to be. Worst case I walk away satisfied for my own mental health that I finished the game. I shall finish the game.
Because thats all it’s even been a three decade long mind game for control and power. You didn’t win and you made your and his life worse with my absence from it. And now you can’t fix it. And I’ve fought and tried to hard to let you have final victory either. That’s where we stand. That’s always gonna be where it stands until there is a sea change or there is an end date. There is an end date chosen.
I am at peace, and I have good friend’s and family and I don’t need for anything in this life. But there is always something missing and while I may not be angry anymore. I’m not happy about it on this day either. This was always your choice to destroy that relationship. It was never about you and I, it was about you eliminating me from the equation and taking me off the chess board in terms of his life. Somehow I’m still part of that equation. Funny how that works. You expected me to fade and I fought. For better or worse, to my ruin I’m still here and I’m still standing.
…and I’m still his father. And I’ll always be here.
The only thing that ever really changed was I stopped hating you for destroying me. I’m still aware of that fact and what you took away from me and his immediate family on my side, but I’m also aware of the selfish motivation behind it. It wasn’t my world that crumbled. I survived. I’ve survived worse.
I don’t know what the next step is with us. And you always send a curveball when I think I am at peace with your absence.
The fact that my dark thoughts about that moment no longer are directed in your precise direction but they are there and directed towards immidiate family on your side should say everything. There was always darkness but it wasn’t fucking mine. These years are lost and there will always be fucking questions.
The fact that I do understand that there has always been layers and layers upon all of this and that our damage pales in comparison to your own personal damage makes me
Pause. But I am your family too, and I was a part of all that. And I witnessed all the gaslighting and things as well. I wouldn’t let it happen when I was around and it was gonna happen to me. You weren’t treated like that when we were together.
But it still didn’t give you the right to gaslight me and destroy my life over and over again the way you have. I deserved better. So did our son.
He’s still does. We don’t need to be together. That’s not important. But he needs both parents in his life and to know that we both love him Dearly and can be civil to one another without having it being about a relationship status.
I have a good life, i am good. But I would be lying if it didn’t say there was something missing and that was taken away 14 years ago from me. Period. Doesn’t matter whose to blame.
And he should have been beside me for all these adventures, in fact I think he’d have enjoyed them and thought they were cool and fun.
You took all that away from him and me.
You took everything away from me.
It doesn’t matter how else I feel.
Don't get back 14 years in just one day
So hard to keep my own head, just go away
Gun’s and Roses, 14 Years.
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