Skip to main content

Savior?


Part of me having peace in my life is you having peace in yours. I'm not happy right now that it seems like this is something you no longer have. When it seems like the only thing in this life that can give you peace is me, maybe it's time to explore that possibility.

Always being there for you is a curse. I know why I do it and why that phone call will never be unanswered no matter the time of fucking day. Going to sleep angry because I feel helpless and not sleeping and then waking up still angry isn't helping you, him or I at all. We need to make some changes. It might be time for me to be proactive on some of them rather than waiting for something to happen.

There is a reason I will never allow you to save me. The first being that I don't need saving. My destiny is my own and you're help gives you more control than I'm willing to concede to you. The second is I'm the knight in tainted armor that should be saving you. This is how I was raised. The hero saves the girl. Too bad I'm the villian and I'm the least worst option. But maybe you need someone else to blame, and someone else to save you. You need to stop trying to save others. They don't  appreciate you and your efforts and you fall constantly into the same emotional traps. The same ones I rejected when we were together and the same ones I reject now. This is a huge reason why we aren't together. I don't want to deal with people in your life unless it means being a wall between them and you. I've always recognized how fucking toxic they are and your need to help has been ingrained into you with family.

You know what the only lessons my upbringing gave me? How to destroy. Especially relationships. It's why we don't have one just as much as your savior complex and all the other reasons that hurt like hell. But I'm still here with my hand out trying to lift you from the abyss I should have fucking let consume me years ago for it's own reasons. But here I am in a world I never thought I'd be in, with a 25 years of this  relationship and a child. I've always known I'm the only one that loved you unconditionally and without judgement other than her. And your safest in my arms because everyone else has an agenda? Me, I love you and I want my little family back but I'm mister don't give a fuck. I'm good with my life even if their are parts missing.

It's hard to be completely whole when it's something you've never known. I just wish I hadn't passed it down to him and watched it being taken away from you. I should have tried fucking harder to stay. I'm trying now.

I want you safe. It's why I'm in orbit. It's why I've never stopped trying. I know exactly where I stand with those I love and that includes you. And more than that I know where I stand with those that claim to love but don't. I'm always going to have your back even If I'm not beside you.

I don't know the next step but I do know that i will always be here. And I will never disrespect you or treat you like others do.

What the fuck happened  to us when my darkest side is the light at the end of your tunnel.. and I am still the fucking freight train headed your way... but it's not you I'm gonna run right thru.. not anymore. I need to deal with some of the real issues or at least be a stubborn wall between you and them.

You'll just be along for the ride so I can protect you both.

I'm not fucking saving anyone anymore. That time is done. I'm just trying to protect that which has always been mine and the child that we created together before he's corrupted by the same toxic elements.




Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Cowabunga.

Back to the job search i go... not really anything to do right now but play turtles smash up and watch tv so i decided to wander downtown and look for a job. I am feeling really good at the moment and trying to ride this positive feeling as long as it lasts and not let anything get me down. Current Mood: Positive. Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.
Post a Comment
Read more

Bad Man.

I am not a good man, I tell people straight out that I’m not a good person. I know I’m toxic. But I embrace being the villain and being the bad guy. Being feared is better than being loved because at least that way you respect me. When it comes to someone I care about and have a responsibility to, I will always choose them over others fucking bullshit and drama. This isn’t a choice. This is my life. Period. I live it every damn day. I’m not Making any other choices. I will always choose those that I care about over people that are merely in orbit in my life and if you give me a reason to fucking doubt you? I will give u a reason to fucking fear me.  I’m just fed up, my world doesn’t need complications. My peace and my piece of mind doesn’t need complications. I have enough of those I struggle against in my personal life. This is the end game, and the end times. I deserve to be fucking happy. No one is getting in the fucking way of that. Period. 
Post a Comment
Read more

The Dying False King.

I am a ghost and a spectre in a lot of peoples lives that I have touched. Some I shouldn’t be, and some I have willingly walked away for my own mental health. I’m starting to get to that point with many things in my life agian. I thought it would be easier to live a simple life and just have fun but I think it’s harder than when I worked my face off as a father. At least then my enemies didn’t pretend to be my freinds and the world wasn’t falling apart slowly. Just my world.  I think I prefer whatever that was then compared to what the world is now. I have my own life and adventures and I don’t need anyone that doesn’t want or need to be in my life. I have fun with what I do and don’t let negative sources affect my life. If you’re gonna drag me down, I’ll be gone. That’s how it works.  You’re not going to disturb my fucking peace. That’s what the metal shows are for. That is anger’s release. Plus to have fun. 
Post a Comment
Read more