I guess this is finally the moment I let go. There is no point chasing dragons anymore. Illusions and the unreality need to finally come to an end. It doesnt matter who is or isn't in my life because at the end of the day he isn't. And thats what's important and why I always try. But he's an adult he can make his own decisions. I'll never truly walk away not really, but I am picking and choosing my moments for me now. There cant be any more trying I cannot afford it and I dont want to keep running into the same brick walls. I have a good life and I have adventures and do my own thing. I dont need to worry about others who disregard me when it doesnt suit her agenda. Im gonna look at where my options lie in the new year and stop holding myself back from new experiences and taking new chances but I'm done chasing the albatross. Its been around my neck long enough. You placed it there... I'm removing it. I need to be free. I need my life to be what it is for the next few decades i have left. I have a good life. I dont need a step sideways into the oblivion that is your life. I'll risk the unknown. My people are good people and my life is my own. Its been a long time since I could say that. Longer still since I could claim to be happy. I'm happy now. I dont need a fucking partner for that. Besides there's no need for your imaginary jealousies anyways. I've long since moved past that. Almost 5 years since I saved up for that ring, I was waiting for you to heal, but I dont know if it will happen. So I chose me, and I have healed. The final part of that destination is moving on. I think im close or near to being able to do that. I wasted too many years thinking I couldn't. Now I know I can.
I hold no illusions that things in my life remain status quo. But Im starting to accept that fact over the fact that any other movement even sideways is a step back into chaos and nonsense. Where I stand right now is solid footing, if its where im supposed to be im perfectly fine with this being fate. At least this isn't choas.
I've spent enough of my life doing that. The last half of it at your hand. This is where I get off the crazy train. You always wanted me to move along. Now im just moving on.
This isn't about someone else. That died on the vine. It's just about who I am and who I want to be. And who I dont want to be. Its time to live my fucking life as always on my terms. On my own. Its better that way. Being alone holds no illusions for me. That way I'm in control.
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