Skip to main content

Krisuin.



I guess this is finally the moment I let go. There is no point chasing dragons anymore. Illusions and the unreality need to finally come to an end. It doesnt matter who is or isn't in my life because at the end of the day he isn't. And thats what's important and why I always try. But he's an adult he can make his own decisions. I'll never truly walk away not really, but I am picking and choosing my moments for me now. There cant be any more trying I cannot afford it and I dont want to keep running into the same brick walls. I have a good life and I have adventures and do my own thing. I dont need to worry about others who disregard me when it doesnt suit her agenda. Im gonna look at where my options lie in the new year and stop holding myself back from new experiences and taking new chances but I'm done chasing the albatross. Its been around my neck long enough. You placed it there... I'm removing it. I need to be free. I need my life to be what it is for the next few decades i have left. I have a good life. I dont need a step sideways into the oblivion that is your life. I'll risk the unknown. My people are good people and my life is my own. Its been a long time since I could say that. Longer still since I could claim to be happy. I'm happy now. I dont need a fucking partner for that. Besides there's no need for your imaginary jealousies anyways. I've long since moved past that. Almost 5 years since I saved up for that ring, I was waiting for you to heal, but I dont know if it will happen. So I chose me, and I have healed.  The final part of that destination is moving on. I think im close or near to being able to do that. I wasted too many years thinking I couldn't.  Now I know I can.

I hold no illusions that things in my life remain status quo. But Im starting to accept that fact over the fact that any other movement even sideways is a step back into chaos and nonsense. Where I stand right now is solid footing, if its where im supposed to be im perfectly fine with this being fate. At least this isn't choas.

I've spent enough of my life doing that. The last half of it at your hand. This is where I get off the crazy train. You always wanted me to move along. Now im just moving on.

This isn't about someone else. That died on the vine. It's just about who I am and who I want to be. And who I dont want to be. Its time to live my fucking life as always on my terms. On my own. Its better that way. Being alone holds no illusions for me. That way I'm in control.



Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Laugh Track.

  I want you in my life. Don't ever fucking confuse that for needing you in my life. Those two things are mutually exclusive to each other. I'm fine with my life and it's not my freind's and my social life that I'm jealous of. We both made our choices. My life has always been an insane carnival. You were merely an extended chapter. But if you think I'm going to sit at home being sad and depressed and shutting down because your not in my life. Your delusional. Then agian we already know this. If my life is going to be a sad comedy then I'll make it a metal massacre. I'm not sitting around waiting for anyone. The least of all you.  I sacrificed enough time on the altar of what might have been. I'm just enjoying the time that we have left. This way if it go out, it's on my own terms. I always told you that my funeral pyre will be a blaze of glory.. I just never told you when.  Now I'm gonna live and have adventures. Remain jealous. You know how ...
Post a Comment
Read more

The Trees.

  I am really bothered by someone hurting my tree. I’m not sure the next step but that’s a living thing. I know that there is no healing when our things are still affected negatively by people. I’m not sure what the next step is but I know this is part and parcel of the entire thing and that we can’t heal when people hurt the things we care about.  I don’t have much but I do have a legacy to protect and there is a place where my son needs to feel safe, and I don’t think it will ever be that house agian. But once it was home, there are good memories there. There was love.  Part of that is the peace that was our tree. I’m sick of people damaging the things I love.  The world needs to be better and less selfish. I need peace in mine and her lives. Even if we are separate in our lives. She needs the peace and quiet I have in my life. Even more than I do.  And only one of us has it. 
Post a Comment
Read more

Father and Son.

I dont know the next step. I don't claim to. I just know I'm working to rebuild a relationship that has been fractured for many years. That includes both of you. I am here. I will always be here, I have always been here that will never change  This weekend was epic and it felt right. I don't know what will happen but i do know that I am at peace with being civil and polite with your mom. It was nice to have a little adventure as a family. It felt right. It what was missing in our lives. Thank you. 
Post a Comment
Read more