I don't know the next step anymore. There are things in my world that aren't making any fucking sense both here and elsewhere and my patience level is extremely fucking low. There is an option and an escape mechanism. I know what's being offered and what's being given to me in this life are two different things and that the reality is that I'm only going to be status quo and more and more miserable the longer it continues. I need a new life. I shouldn't be nostalgic for miserable moments in my life, but even in my misery those moments I seemed to have both more and more things to do... now I just sit and do nothing and there is the same repetitive bullshit every day with no change.
Is there daylight? Or is it just fucking darkness. 5 years of nothingness today isn't helping either. I'm sick of being the reasonable and responsible one when I have fucking lost everything. Why do I still have to be here? I accept my responsibilities all of them but there are days I just want to get onto a fucking plane and leave for western Canada and never ever look fucking back. It's always been an option. The only reason it wasn't more seriously considered is I would go and never ever fucking looking back.
In my fifteenth year when I know there is nothing left here behind me to be seriously considering it agian speaks wonders. I have a good life. It's boring but it's a good life. The problem is all it will take is one bad day to destroy it all agian. And I see that day returning.
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