Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams. I'm happy. The last few months have been epic and I don't know where things are going but i know for sure that I am never fucking looking back. i took a chance, and it succeeded beyond any of wildest dreams.. I've done epic shit with a person who has had my back for the last eight year since the day we met.. and sees thru all the darkness and drama and the clusterfuck that my life is and still loves me for me... i'd rather have my life together and healing so i can do better by her.. but for the moment i am trying as hard as i can to make sure the limited moments we have we enjoy every second of each others company. I do have to make a decision in the coming months but at this point while I'm still doing that completely for me.. there is the added factor of my heart longing to spend more time with her.. because that's what she deserves.. and I've ...

For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness. I am happy, No one will ruin that. That is all. the weekend was awesome. Current Mood: Happy. Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.

I have never seen battles quite as terrifyingly beautiful as the ones I fight when my mind splinters and races, to swallow me into my own madness, again. You Know what is worse than just Hating the mental health industry and ignoring it for most of my adult life? The fact that when i do reach out and try to get assistance that the entire fucking system is made in a way that actively resists giving people that actually need help and have a history with the Hamilton psychiatric hospital any type of assistance... I cn function. not well but i do fucking function. guess that is good enough, i guess that i'm going to have to have a fucking episode or a breakdown before I'm going to get any real fucking services... that's fine.. i got some serious suicidal ideation and it rhymes with the words Suicide by Cop. there are only a few things that keep me on this earth... one is that little boy in st catherines, two is family.. ( I won't abandon them even if they have me.), three...

We would survive even ourselves, as long as we were together. I want my happy moments... I want them more than anything.. So many have been taken away that it is only now that I am realizing that i have to force these moments into exsistance rather than waiting for them to arrive... I've been beaten and broken by the sands of time and the horror in my own fucking mind... that the things that make me happy are the only things I am willing to live for anymore.. I'm done being miserable and questioning things and people around me..I'd rather burn out a bright flame than let myself ever die of complacency... I am enjoying most of the aspects of the little bit left of my life.. and that's fucking important.. I'm not as broken as I claim to be when i am having these experiences.. and the fact that I have a partner in crime that might just be as damaged as me.. at this point maybe that's what I always needed in my life.. understanding... I've spent a lifetime try...

This is how it has always been with me. Give me something good, I’ll destroy it. Love me, I’ll destroy you. I have never felt deserving of anything in my life. I've got only a few bridges left to fucking burn. And the way I'm being treated maybe it's time to let them fucking burn. I am too old and beyond patience to deal with this shit anymore. Esp in whatever the hell this box I call home is. I hate feeling fucking trapped and broken. I am demolished and broken. If I'm going to be treated as less than nothing I will not be here anymore. That's not in question. The thing that sucks is that it is someone I do love and trust with everything, but mentally I do think it's safest that I walk away and find something else. Some of the others whose bridges are burning.. I'm more than fucking willing to pour gasoline on... There's only one relationship here I give a damn about and if that becomes conflict I think that I don't want to lose it no matter how d...

No matter what I do, I'll come to the same end…termination. I'm going to have fucking adventures and hang out with the ones I love... I am busy making decisions and changes to my life that not everyone is agreeing with. but guess what that's not my fucking problem not anymore.. I have nothing left to prove to anyone anymore. your'e either in my life unconditionally or you aren't. I'm not taking anymore abuse or intimidation from anyone... If i'm feeling like I'm being taken advantage of I will walk away.. I have enough confusing shit in my head and I don't need anyone else else living there with me.. I finally found something that I think is fucking real and I'm trying my best to grab onto it and hold it and live a simple fucking life where some days i don't feel as broken as I always have been.. and she's a big fucking part of that I will make a decision sooner than fucking later and those that are going to be making me feel less than...

One life is all we have and we live it as we believe in living it. But to sacrifice what you are and to live without belief, that is a fate more terrible than dying. ― Joan of Arc I do epic things.. alone, with my freinds or with my partner.. and i will continue to always have adventures and experiences.. that's a part of me that will never change.. a normal life is boring. even in my darkest places I've seen and done things that were more interesting and cool than other people will do in a lifetime. My life isn't Normal, why should the things i say and do be any different.. at this point in my life it's not about having things it's about doing things and it's about being with the people I love that are still here.. so many have fallen away i'm going to hold tight to the ones that are left and hold them close and for some have epic adventures that i will be able to talk and joke about for the rest of my life. Thats where i am right now, now that's ...