Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

Fuck you because I loved you Fuck you for loving you too I don't need a reason to hate you the way I do In the natural order of things hating you is the most obvious response. There's no reason we should change things from the status quo. Any changes with you come with a price. I'm too old and too bitter to pay that price now. I have no patience for nostalgia or going back to things the way they were. We are different people. We've grown up. We've grown up cold. There may be forgiveness, but I will never forget what you and you alone have done to me. I have no fucking time for high school nonsense. I will fade away out of your life like I never fucking existed if you pull that shit. I have no qualms about doing so. You can't keep playing games and just expect me to swallow them hook line and sinker. There will come a day when I no longer care. It comes easy to me to cut people out of my life. Even you. If I don't trust you, and you have given m...

I died here. Twenty years ago. When everything that was singular about me left me, when two souls became one. We are broken and damaged and maybe that's why it never worked the way things are supposed to, but... We left pieces of each other within.  Without them, without the other we will never be whole. I know it's going to be a long road, and I know that I hold no illusions to it working out, in fact the odds are stacked against it, but I'm willing to try. You are my true home, you are my family. That's the only thing left to me that's is important in my life. Maybe this week I'll know where I stand, maybe I won't. I just know I've got to try and place the cards on the table, I've got one hand, I'm playing it, no illusions, no grand schemes, those are things for younger men, men with ambition. I just want my heart back. My true true heart. My true home. I don't know if it will happen. I expect to eventually just fade away and be forgotten a...

I'd yield me to the devil instantly, Did it not happen that myself am he! - Faust I will always be the bad guy in every situation because that's who I was born to be. I'm more comfortable being the bad guy, the Villian was always cooler anyways. I'd rather be dark, monstrous and demonic in the lives I touch because that way you see my true colours and you see how little you fucking matter at the end, all of you. None of you. Maybe it's time to go back to the darkest places in my soul, where no one matters except me. It's time to stop fucking pretending I have any worth to anyone else. It's clear that I can fade away and be one of the missing for months and for many it would not fucking matter. It's time for me to take care of myself and my mental health. Fuck trying to be there for anyone, because at the end I know exactly where I'll be. Alone. All I am is hard. That's the place this world has made me. I was born a criminal, I'll ...

You were something special,  a moment in a lifetime of moments, but like every moment in my life, I'll eventually move on from. That's the way my life is... That's the tragedy. That's who I am. I trusted you, and I loved you, and you cut me to the Bone. It's not that I regret anything, because Hell I don't. We were an epic tornado in the heart of the storm... But the cost was far too high for things to have ended up where they are now... I made a choice, that's the only regret.  Otherwise you were fucking great.... You'll always be a happy memory, I'm just working some stuff in my own mind, but it's probably the best that I move the fuck on, as always. My life choices have to be own... Alone. I won't admit to missing you, that's not the type of man I am, but I do wonder what could have been. There is no time for anger, fighting or regret... It's just time to move on. Don't worry I'm used to it. I was wrong tho...

This darkness and anger are a part of me. They go hand in hand and are a survival instinct. You wanted darkness, you get the the rage too. They darkest places I've been, the hell and nightmares I've seen... Yeah it's not a fucking act. It's who I am. Damaged, broken and defensive of me and mine. When you're in that bubble you're going to have my protection forever. But if you don't, I don't care... I've lived long enough to no longer give a shit when I'm betrayed, when it's a given it's going to happen in my life, I don't give a damn.  I don't need to dress the part of the darkened demon, I know it's exactly what I am, I just wear the costume in the appropriate weather to let everyone know it's a warning. I am a big scary motherfucker. Hulk just wants to be left alone. If people are afraid and intimidated it works better than being peaceful and looking freindly, when I want to be left the fuck alone. I am look...

It's mercy, compassion and forgiveness I lack. Not rationality. Anyone that is on the system and claims that they can't do poverty needs to check themselves and their fucking priorities. I have a good life and do well with the challenges I have been given. A lot of that is due to my support Circle and my resolve to fucking get things done. When one attempts to dismantle the relationships with the people I care about, maybe it's a good fucking thing that the relationship ended, because I am starting to see and feel with both eyes open and I know who I am. I know exactly who I am. I'm not changing for anyone. And I'm not changing my circle for anyone else either. Too many sacrifices, nothing ever given back. So you know what? Let's be old bitter and broken. That's where I am right now... But guess what? I'm here on my own two feet, chooser of my next step. Captain of my destiny. Not looking back, not this time. There is a darker angrier place that I a...

I have earned my right to be fucking angry. The things I've endured in my life and the people I have to deal with just to survive? My life sucks and then this fucking pandemic hits? I'm sick of people in my life that don't have my back or my interests in mind. As long as I can do something for them, so yeah, I'm frustrated. I am angry, but you haven't seen what my true anger is. Only a few fucking have. I'm at peace for the most part with that beast inside me, but most are not deserving of my true anger... So they will never ever fucking see it, that's reserved for blood, that's reserved for those that matter. I am angry and I am bitter and most that have come and gone in my life fail to understand that. But I've been damned since I was eight years old, my life was always going to be hardship. I was always going to be damaged. I was damaged even then, look at my left leg. I deal with constant pain every day, but yeah, I'm just fucking angry....