Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

I am at war, constantly, mostly within my own head. But I dont need fucking distractions taking away from my responsibilities either. They will always come first. One i can't even remotely abandon as I live here and that doesn't seem to be ever fucking changing in the near fucking future. I am trapped here. No matter how much I don't want to be or that I wish I could elsewhere. Belive me I have tried, and while I slammed that door completely fucking shut to the point I might as well have used the nails from pieces of the true cross to hammer that in. I still need to be availible to always be civil in some fucking fashion. I will always be there for him, his mother not so much. That took a long time to earn back and she burned it to the ground in one moment. There is forgiveness, fuck there is even understanding, but I value my mental health and my peace enough to have that door completely shut. I have to fight the fucking demons in my head enough that I dont need the memo...

Eventually I'm just gonna move out and on, I can't keep living at a survival pace and taking care of someone else when there is no appreciation for my sacrifices and its just expected I will provide. This has been ongoing for far too fucking long. The next step might have to be alone. Without anything or anyone. As usual.  The door is closing on a lot of things in my life and it's is becoming more and more obvious there is no looking back. Theres nothing there to look back for.  I'm functional because I choose to be. Tying up loose ends and fulfilling my responsibilities. But its very fucking obvious that my life is standing still. I am on cruise control and nothing ever fuckin changes. As long as status quo is maintained no one cares. Id rather people be afraid than complacent. I cannot continue to pretend that I'm going to remain in this moment forever. Its time for a change. Maybe it was time for an end. But I am unsure of anyone else in my fucking life either...

We are nowhere. This is the usual place. 26 of my fifty fucking years and we are nowhere. This is a sign. You and i can do this forever or I can move on. Like I have before. The problem is I need to start sticking to it rather than being a disposable option in both of your lives. You control that not me. My life doesnt change being with you. I'd simply move sideways and lose some of the things that make me whole on my own. I don't need a partner for validation. I never have. Thats not why I've been trying these years. Thats never going to be part of my make up. I don't know the next step. But I know despite my feelings and everything I want in my life, two toxic people always fighting are a bad situtation living together for ny child. We always seem to be more civil when there is space. Sadly emotions dominate that and we always end up at odds. Maybe its time for me to take a step back and just wait on you to be whatever. Maybe I can just live the rest of my life doing...

I made a decision and a choice and im sticking to it. You in some shape or fashion have dominated my entire adult life. I am done. There are other options out there. Why am I waiting for soneone who has never and will never truly choose me agian. That moment was over a decade ago. Our moments have been done for over twenty five fucking years. I regret nothing and our time together was a brilliant moment that gave us a glorious son, but hes grown. He's a man now.  I need to choose the next step. I need to move on with my life instead of having the albatross of my past constantly chasing me for false future framing, promises that never come true, and being used when the fractured fucking fallacy of your reality comes crashing in. I have survived nightmares that would have destroyed another man, hulk strongest there is. Sadly one of those nightmares I have had to endure is with you, and I will always be here for you as a result. But I need my own life. And my own choices back. Its tim...

  There was no blog yesterday for a reason. I was very aware of the day it was. No question. But 26 years has absolutely no meaning to you why the fuck should it have any to me? Our moments are just the same old bullshit pawns in our never ending game. Theres a good chance I stop playing soon. I'm fairly certain I know the cost and that it will count as a betrayal but at this point I need to do for me not wait for something to happen. To have a tiny silver of a door open.... Don't you know me? Don't you understand me? I'm the one who kicks fucking doors open. Fifty years old. I'm done waiting. I'll go on as I always have. Doing my own thing. Doing what I want with my own choices. I know where I stand and why I walked away the last time. Pretty sure this time I'm doing it for me. And only me.

You're life is not mine. I have my own. We may share precious blood but you pushed me away long ago. I am not beholden to be keeping a hand in any longer than I choose and I am becoming disinterested in the constant battle to have the scraps at your dinner table. I have walked away before to protect you. I will walk away and let you think I'm the fucking villian as usual. My son knows better. I have very much tried to show him that this past year. If I need to protect your, mine and his mental health and be away from the choas of your family I will walk away. I have nothing and in that is the ultimate freedom. I can walk away. Nothing ties me here except you and Him. But I am not you, the constant battle of your life is not mine. It took me a long time to make peace with the man I and the man I am not. One of us is at peace and one of us is at misery. Amazing how karma changes things. Welcome to my latter half of the past 2 decades. You still blame me for pulling you down to pr...

  Im not begging anyone to be in my life, freinds or family. I'll just keep going on and being me and moving. thats where I am in this life. I'm in the middle part of my own choose your own adventure book. This is the lane I have chosen ill stay in it. All I am is someone who survived despite the choas and toxicity.  I was a better person then, but im a harder person now. I can weather you and protect my family regardless of where I stand. I ain't no twenty year old kid anymore  and there still is a blood fued. I'm sick of being a good person and trying to do the right thing. You and I both know that is far from my natural state and it is not the way of things. Im better when im something to fear. I play the villian well. I play the enemy even better. Why was it always better when we were at a fucking crossroads instead of all this nonsense and a little bit of sunshine and hope. But I am not your enemy, look within yourself, look in your soul. You know who really is. It...