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The God That Failed


I don't belong in Hamilton anymore, My home is elsewhere... I can't understand that nonsense here in terms of everything, why don't people do background checks on shit, no wonder there is so much injustice in this world, no one is checking to see what's in a person's background and what they have done....i AM NO ANGEL BUT I STAND ON MY OWN ALONE... i do not need a False god to hide behind or bullshit stories fabricated about my past. Everything i have i got on my own, with a little help from those who matter the most to me, not some prefabricated illusion somewhere in the stars. have faith in myself and others have faith in me and that's all i have ever needed. I can't sit there and take advantage of others as others in my life have... this city is corrupt and i need to be gone.. at least in St. Catherines i had some sense of permanence...and security. I am giving myself two fucking months to get my shit together in terms of employment anywhere and then i AM GOING to be moving to somewhere else, probably closer to my child. I am going to apply to every social service agency in Niagara and Toronto and in between. There has got a fucking full time job out there somewhere, that isn't mired in backstabbing politics and mind games, of course it's par for the course, i can't say I'm surprised when my employer's not returning phone calls.. wonder what my reference would sound like? have to double check one day. I lost the Love of my life on a foolish errand because at one point i was so dedicated to the cause i had to leave her for something I wanted more, a mistake.. NO.. she's a lunatic and probably doing damage that will take years to fix... but it is one of the things that my insane quest to become a martyr has cost me. being a child and youth worker has always been my mistress, but here I am after 1 1/2 doing exactly what i wanted and I don't know if all the sacrifices have been worth it... And after the past few weeks I know the Sacrifice of moving to Hamilton wasn't. I have to protect my family first priority, and I think it's time to stop chasing miracles and make a decision even if it means a step back, at least I'll be comfortable there and looking over my shoulder all the time, expecting a ghost from my past that should be a corpse to come up behind me... i don't need that in my life and neither does anyone else.

Current Mood: Determined.
Current Music: 18 and Life ( it's what he should have gotten.), Skid Row

I see faith in your eyes
Never your hear the discouraging lies
I hear faith in your cries
Broken is the promise, betrayal
The healing hand held back by the deepened nail
Follow the God that failed

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